Annoyed at being everyone’s childcare

[macaroniandcheeze]

I am a SAHM. I waited to have kids when we could afford to live on only one income.

Our kids (DD, DS1 & DS2) are all in primary school and I’ve made friends with several parents of their friends. They mostly work but some are also SAHM too.

I do believe “it takes a village” but recently I have been feeling like I am everyone else’s default childcare and personal assistant.
It’s been building up and now I suspect a few “friends” are just CFs.

Nearly every day I get a message oh can you pick up DS from school? Can you take my DD to dance club with yours? I have to take a call for work so can you walk round and take my DS to school with yours?

Last week one mum saw me drive by on my way to scouts and shouted into the window of my car “Oh great can you get my son too?” So I picked the kid up and took him home to the dad who wasn’t working that day. I don’t feel like I can say well no, why can’t his dad get him? He was literally just on the sofa watching sports.

Another time one was texting me about what time a school club ended and I told her, then asked me if I can meet her son from the club and take him to meet her in town as she was at the shops still. All while I had my older DD and her friend with me too. I said no to that one because it’s not fair on DD and her friend so in the end his teenage sister had to come and pick him up. But I had her on the phone going oh I don’t know what to do, I didn’t know when it finished (maybe read the form for the club when you sign it?) oh I’ll try to get DD to collect him but she has a cold etc. I don’t know why her logistics are my problem tbh.

I don’t want to be unfriendly and we do play dates fairly evenly for the younger ones (I’m not keeping count!)

If I’m going up to school or Scouts anyway I feel like I can’t really say no I won’t grab your kids too without a good excuse. But I am starting to feel downtrodden and taken advantage of.

I ask very little in return. I have only needed someone to pick my children up once last year when I had an emergency.

AIBU?
YABU - you should help out where you can, it won’t last forever and it’s good to be a “village”

YANBU - people are CF and you need to set some boundaries

That gone too far. I was a SAHM for a while and never had anybody asking me to do anything like this (although the answer would have been yes only in a true emergency). It would also never occur to me to ask another parent to pick up/ drop off my kid

Just say no if you can't or don't want to. But if you always say its not a problem they will keep asking because you told them it's ok

"Sorry, that's not convenient" and "Sorry, that doesn't work for me" are your go to phrases from now on.

If you're asked to pick little Johny or Joanne up and bring them home, as you're going anyway, just say 'sorry, I can't, I have other things going on', stop letting them take advantage of you, they're definitely CF's to do that.

You’ve got to start saying no with a smile, sorry you can’t, that doesn’t work for you, not possible today, etc.

A few years ago, I lived two doors down from my kids’ primary school. One day, a mum who had kids in different classes and who I had only met a few times knocked on my door and asked me if she could drop her kids off at mine at 7am two days a week hoping I could then pop them along to the school breakfast club once it opened at 8am. I was gobsmacked! I didn’t even know this woman’s full name! Luckily I pulled myself together and said no. Come up with some good excuses: sorry but we are heading straight out to ballet/the cafe/into town. They will soon get the message!

To knock these CF away from your direction, you need to ask a favour for every favour.

So they say, “can you take my DS to scouts tonight and you say, great I was looking for someone to pick up my DS, so if I take, you can collect.”

If they then say “oh, I can’t collect this week, you say oh so you want to take and collect both boys next week then?”

If they message “can you grab X from school and bring them home” reply “yep, if you can do the same for me tomorrow” etc

If people truly want the “village raising” experience, they’ll be happy to put in as much as they take out. If they are CF they’ll stop asking for fear of having to do you a favour in return (usually).

Well clearly you are allowing this so how can you complain? I’m a sahm but haven’t been asked this. You really need to say no if you don’t want to do it.

Everytime someone asks suggest a reciprocal arrangement!

I’ll do favours for acquaintances if they are genuinely no cost to me or they’re at least mostly reciprocal. And there’s a couple of genuine friends where I do 99% of the lifts and favours because they’re my friends regardless of our kids and they’re lovely people going through a rough time with eg terminal illness.

Otherwise I’ve learnt to only see messages too late to help, not to answer the phone to certain people at 3pm and to be inexplicably “busy” or “not able to”. If you keep saying yes then people will keep asking.

You need to seize the opportunity to say sure I can do one way if you do the other.

This is insane. Clearly you are a push over OP. This has nothing to do with being a village. For gods sake, just say no.

I have voted YABU because it’s your own fault for saying yes repeatedly to things you don’t want to do.

if you don’t want to keep doing these things you need to use your words and say no.

Just say no then?

This is not what "it takes a village..." means.

You're just being used OP

Some excellent points here. I really am a push over aren’t I 🤣
I have never seen myself as a people pleaser but I am reluctant to say no without a “good reason”.

I think it’s ended up this way because it’s happened gradually over years. I do consider these parents my friends and we do coffee mornings, go for walks together etc. and the favours have just crept up, their work has got more full on, we’ve had more children, etc.

I guess I’m dependable. But it’s tiring.
And I don’t know how to push back without feeling petty or mean because each favour in itself is small but it builds up .

My youngest son told me he likes it when we take his friends home because they get extra time together. So there’s that guilt too!

It’s easier said than done.

I’m going that way, I have space in the car, I don’t have work meetings, etc so it feels like there’s no reason I can’t do it, other than the fact that it’s the 3rd favour asked of me that week and I’m fed up of being everyone’s lacky. But each parent maybe doesn’t know that the others are also doing the same. To them it’s just one small thing. To me it’s constant.

Yeah I do try to “not look at my phone” enough so that I see the messages too late to help! Then I feel so mean!
And the one time I nearly didn’t answer a call at 3pm the mum had fallen downstairs and was waiting for an ambulance so I am glad I answered and could pick her kids up as it was a real emergency. That though now means I always answer the phone in case!!

You’re still making excuses as to why you can’t say no. Grow a pair. You’re an adult, you don’t need a reason. Real friends don’t ask for favours like this it’s ridiculous. Just say no. People will actually respect and like you more for having a backbone and your real friends will stick around

I would love to help, but I can't today. No further explanation.

I lived in France for a while. I always admired the french's ability to say 'ah no I'm sorry I can't' They never gave an excuse. We English are so apologetic (and I am the same) and feel we have to give a reason why we can't. We need to learn to say 'I am sorry but I can't do that/it is not possible' and not say why. I have learned that people rarely come back and ask why.

But op I am a sahm and have friends who have never asked this. A few of the other mums are sahm too, and never asked too. They don’t respect you, that’s what it comes down to. I have a toddler and if I knew someone with a toddler I would think their hands are full so would never ask a favour.

You are being taken advantage of. If they text you, read messages the next day or late that night so it’s too late. If they phone you, don’t answer because you were busy at the time. Hopefully some of those people will get the hint that you’re not available.

Some people will back off if you start asking too. Drop off at cubs ? Ask them to drop off at yours afterwards so it’s fair and ds gets time with his mate.

It’s not petty to be unavailable but it’s very cheeky to take advantage of people who clearly can’t say no. You don’t want your ds growing into a people pleaser who can’t say no.

Yep I need to just say “No I can’t” it isn’t that hard is it.
Thanks for the kick up the butt.
I was actually nervous start this thread because I was certain most replies were going to be calling me a bad friend, not helping people when they need it is lazy/rude, they have to work and I don’t so I should do what I can to help them out.
Seems I misjudged this one!