Annoyed at being everyone’s childcare

[macaroniandcheeze]

I am a SAHM. I waited to have kids when we could afford to live on only one income.

Our kids (DD, DS1 & DS2) are all in primary school and I’ve made friends with several parents of their friends. They mostly work but some are also SAHM too.

I do believe “it takes a village” but recently I have been feeling like I am everyone else’s default childcare and personal assistant.
It’s been building up and now I suspect a few “friends” are just CFs.

Nearly every day I get a message oh can you pick up DS from school? Can you take my DD to dance club with yours? I have to take a call for work so can you walk round and take my DS to school with yours?

Last week one mum saw me drive by on my way to scouts and shouted into the window of my car “Oh great can you get my son too?” So I picked the kid up and took him home to the dad who wasn’t working that day. I don’t feel like I can say well no, why can’t his dad get him? He was literally just on the sofa watching sports.

Another time one was texting me about what time a school club ended and I told her, then asked me if I can meet her son from the club and take him to meet her in town as she was at the shops still. All while I had my older DD and her friend with me too. I said no to that one because it’s not fair on DD and her friend so in the end his teenage sister had to come and pick him up. But I had her on the phone going oh I don’t know what to do, I didn’t know when it finished (maybe read the form for the club when you sign it?) oh I’ll try to get DD to collect him but she has a cold etc. I don’t know why her logistics are my problem tbh.

I don’t want to be unfriendly and we do play dates fairly evenly for the younger ones (I’m not keeping count!)

If I’m going up to school or Scouts anyway I feel like I can’t really say no I won’t grab your kids too without a good excuse. But I am starting to feel downtrodden and taken advantage of.

I ask very little in return. I have only needed someone to pick my children up once last year when I had an emergency.

AIBU?
YABU - you should help out where you can, it won’t last forever and it’s good to be a “village”

YANBU - people are CF and you need to set some boundaries

Read the OP - it’s really clearly explained

@macaroniandcheeze fair enough- and I can understand not doing anything that’s remotely inconvenient. But if it doesn’t take you out of your way why not?

Because people take the piss.
We all have stories regarding this.

A once off no bother,but don't sign your kids up to things that you cannot physically collect or drop to.

Good idea for a new little side hustle.
Tell them your going to start charging.

I don't think you're unreasonable. DH and I both work but we have the flexibility of being able to work from home so that usually one of us is home for pick ups and drop offs. We still have demanding jobs and either we finish early if we need to or we DC miss their clubs if we can't make it. Parents of a child in DC class who happen to live very close by are often asking for us to pick up or drop off their DD. It's about once a week or more and too much when we don't ask them. I don't mind helping out sometimes but it's so easy for people to see you as default childcare which I'm not happy with as we also have things on it's harder if their DD is with us for an hour after school.

@Boredoutofmyhead But why does it matter?

Op I dont mind helping but people start taking advantage then. Plenty of cf around ha.

I overheard a wonderful conversation outside school once.

Parent 1 - Hi, I was going to ask if you can you pick up X tonight after Brownies?
Parent 2 - No, I can't this time, sorry.
Parent 1 - Oh. Why's that then?
Parent 2 - (........longish pause.......) I don't want to.
Parent 1 - 😮😐

I've already said.
I done the school run for years.
And you learn who the cfs are.
People who can't be arsed to collect their kids but expect you too.
It matters because I'm not a childminder and I'm not a mug.

But if it doesn’t take you out of your way why not?

Because you don’t get one on one time with your child and you have to monitor your conversation because there’s another child in the car. Because it takes away your flexibility to pop to the shops/for a coffee or whatever on the way home. Because it then becomes a commitment and then a pain if, on the day, you/your child is unwell.

All of these are very minor inconveniences, so no problem at all for a friend. But for a CF? No thanks.

This person is my hero!

And it’s just another thing added to the mental load!

That's why favours need to be reciprocated.
The better way of dealing with the Brownies thing would be - Yes if you can take them both down.

None of us know the day when we need a hand, car off the road or whatever

Fair enough. I must have that bit of brain missing.

Yanbu. People do various things here but it’s reciprocated.

Don’t just do it all.

I found that not answering effective, not apologising for not seeing a text.

I also would say no that doesn't suit by text, and when a CF came back to argue the point, I simply didn't reply. The conversation was over as far as I was concerned.

Being a SAHM I have definitely come across them, my neighbour was one.

You are not alone OP with this issue.
It really is a common one.

We had it with hockey.
Asked by a parent to bring her daughter to the matches as she was too busy.

I had to text back that it was special time with my daughter to chat and catch up so that wouldn't suit.

The truth was my daughter didn't particularly like the girl and said she didn't want her sharing the journey.
At 15 I had to respect that.

The mother tried to argue the point with a "really, surely it isn't THAT big a deal".

I simply never responded. She asked, I said no. The end.

These matches could be 90 minutes in the car, so a long journey if you weren't comfortable with someone.

YANBU. Start saying no, no and no. Offer no explanation. If people want childcare they need to pay for it.

Fine to ask once or twice in an emergency - eg, my train back from London is delayed, could you pick up DC and have them for 5 minutes in case I’m late - but not all the time! And not when their Dad is at home.

Stop saying yes.

Giving another kid a lift home from Scouts is not “child care”

I've been there too OP and it really started pissing me off.
Funny how I saw a lot less of these people when I stopped with the favours.

I think my reply would be the same to all...I added it up and last week I was asked 5 times to pick up/have other peoples kids and with three of my own its just too much so I am not doing it anymore.

Anyone who tries to reason with you isn't a friend.

I’ve been you and it’s only recently I’ve snapped.
it has taken until ours are almost driving though . It was when I had a “friend” only text “I need you to pick x up from here and take them to there”. Then I looked back through my messages, no asking how I am or mine are just a list of demands like I’m uber or something.

the reciprocal (I will take as you have your meeting, you bring home) is the key to not being taken the piss out of. You don’t feel guilty as your still “helping” but they also think a little harder about need and asking.

your spot on, your version of need is different to theirs. (I’ve jinxed this now) As I’m coming to the end of my dds school career I’ve needed them once, because I’ve organised my life as such.
Having children was my choice no one else’s.
these favours were ok on the kids when they were little, as they grew up and I wanted that time one on one with them in the car, as I wanted the freedom to go “let’s pop to Tesco to get dinner”. It did become more and more of an inconvenience.

it is however hard saying no, for seemingly no good reason if you can help though.

I can tell you from experience that they don’t want to help back. You need to tell people you can’t do it anymore, and leave it at that.

Yes it is.

CF's like to conveniently dismiss it as nothing.
It is an added responsibility to another parent and a favour to act on your behalf and bring your child home safely.

Caring for your child and dropping them home safely is exactly that.

CF's love to play down and dismiss fsvours that are one way.
Thats why they are best avoided.

As I said-fair enough. I must have a bit of my brain missing. I don’t tally keep things I do to help someone else that don’t inconvenience me even slightly!

Are you in the same position as the op? You do favours but people don’t return them?

I completely agree. You’re taking extra responsibility for them - and their coats and water bottles etc!
it’s extra responsibility driving them, it’s engaging in conversation making them feel comfortable.
it’s all extra headspace for kids that aren’t your own. Which is fine, if you don’t feel taken advantage of