Annoyed at being everyone’s childcare

[macaroniandcheeze]

I am a SAHM. I waited to have kids when we could afford to live on only one income.

Our kids (DD, DS1 & DS2) are all in primary school and I’ve made friends with several parents of their friends. They mostly work but some are also SAHM too.

I do believe “it takes a village” but recently I have been feeling like I am everyone else’s default childcare and personal assistant.
It’s been building up and now I suspect a few “friends” are just CFs.

Nearly every day I get a message oh can you pick up DS from school? Can you take my DD to dance club with yours? I have to take a call for work so can you walk round and take my DS to school with yours?

Last week one mum saw me drive by on my way to scouts and shouted into the window of my car “Oh great can you get my son too?” So I picked the kid up and took him home to the dad who wasn’t working that day. I don’t feel like I can say well no, why can’t his dad get him? He was literally just on the sofa watching sports.

Another time one was texting me about what time a school club ended and I told her, then asked me if I can meet her son from the club and take him to meet her in town as she was at the shops still. All while I had my older DD and her friend with me too. I said no to that one because it’s not fair on DD and her friend so in the end his teenage sister had to come and pick him up. But I had her on the phone going oh I don’t know what to do, I didn’t know when it finished (maybe read the form for the club when you sign it?) oh I’ll try to get DD to collect him but she has a cold etc. I don’t know why her logistics are my problem tbh.

I don’t want to be unfriendly and we do play dates fairly evenly for the younger ones (I’m not keeping count!)

If I’m going up to school or Scouts anyway I feel like I can’t really say no I won’t grab your kids too without a good excuse. But I am starting to feel downtrodden and taken advantage of.

I ask very little in return. I have only needed someone to pick my children up once last year when I had an emergency.

AIBU?
YABU - you should help out where you can, it won’t last forever and it’s good to be a “village”

YANBU - people are CF and you need to set some boundaries

Yep.

Start your first sentence with the word No. this gets it out of the way and said. Keep repeating No. No I can’t you’ll have to ask somebody else. No I can’t because I’m unwell ( it’s an excuse but works fine). No I have no time. They will soon stop asking you and ask someone else.

I’m a SAHM too and I’m not treated like this. One parent was keen to cultivate a relationship with me so I could help her out but I shut it down instantly. I sacrifice a lot to be a SAHM (no wages, dwindling skill set), I’m fucked if I’m going to ferry around other people’s kids as well as my own.

Expect and arrange reciprocal arrangement there and then. If another mum puts you on the spot about picking up their child. Say ‘Oh, ok. If you wouldn’t mind picking up for me next time then that would help me too. I’ll do today and you do them both next week, thanks!’
say it there and then as they ask. The cheeky ones will soon back away as you are asking something of them. Cheeky ones only take and never give.

Excellent advice.

As I said in pp I was happy to help out, except for the CF. The worst thing that happened to me was actually a friendship. With Clara (the mum) we got really close, saw each other several times a week but since she worked I would often fetch her son and keep him at ours (friend wirh my DS, no problem). I helped her practically and enorionally when her dad died and then her dog. We had many long conversations and I thought we were really close.
Come secondary, mine goes to an independent school and hers to state. We live very close to each other but haven't seen each other since the school start. I wasn't needed for childcare anymore so I was tossed away😥

they have to work and I don’t so I should do what I can to help them out.

They get paid to work. They aren’t doing it as some sort of community service, they are doing it to earn money to benefit your family. You are giving up the opportunity to earn money to benefit your family by being at home with your own children for the benefit of your family. You aren’t doing this as some sort of community service either. So - they have more money and less time; you have more time and less money. And that’s the trade off you’ve both made. They aren’t entitled to your time any more than you’re entitled to their money. This is your mantra. In an emergency? Sure. In the same way as, in an emergency, you’d lend a friend some money. But you wouldn’t expect it as a run of the mill thing.

Stand your ground. “Can’t do that - we may be doing something else afterwards” or just “ah - no - that won’t work for me today”. Or just don’t reply. You’re not obliged to monitor your phone; that’s one of the perks of not working!

This.
The Scout one is obvious co-ordinate with the neighbours one drop off one collect.

This is ridiculous. I work full time but my kids and their schedule are my problem!

I do rely on carpooling and friends helping out - but it’s reciprocal. So a friend takes my son to football one day so I can get my daughter to ballet, and he comes to ours another day. I asked someone to help with lifts for a party as I had a clash and I did the next one. It’s not a scorecard but we are all combining to take care of the children without anyone going crazy.

This would be my exact approach.

When I was a SAHM I always used to do whatever I could to help WOHMs because I was conscious that I was very lucky to be able to make the choices I did. But usually it was just giving someone a lift to somewhere I was going anyway which is hardly a favour at all. It does sound as if you’re doing a lot though. How often does this happen?

Can you split it so you benefit too? When I did brownies my parents took me and my mate and her dad dropped us both home

If you are going on the principal that it takes a village then there are other villagers that can be asked! Doesn't have to be always you.
You allow yourself to be a doormat.

The notion of being afraid to not answer the phone in case it s someone's emergency - why do you need to be the one to rescue. Be careful not to turn yourself into the martyr in your own story. My mum did this and always had her nose out of joint because she didn't say no but eventually resented tje fact that she was everyone's lackey but also never asked for a favour back and never put any boundaries in place. It s lead to her being lonely as people want true friends who are fun to spend time and she thought that doing all these favours for people made her important in their lives, and it s how she measures her self worth by.
So for you yourself maybe have a think about how your value your time and your families time and your own self worth. It s not necessarily measured in how many favours you do to people.
Respect yourself and value your own time and people will start to place value on it too.

Great idea. Offer to set this up and you’ll stilll be helping everyone.

‘Sorry we have plans’. Don’t over think it. Don’t hide away. They have no idea, don’t give details.

"No" is a complete sentence, you don't have to make up a reason why you can't just say you're not doing it, they should just accept that, they aren't your responsibility

But I had her on the phone going oh I don’t know what to do, I didn’t know when it finished (maybe read the form for the club when you sign it?) oh I’ll try to get DD to collect him but she has a cold etc. I don’t know why her logistics are my problem tbh
It sounds like she was always planning on you picking up. Who sends their child to a club then goes off not knowing when the club ends? A cheeky fucker that's who.

Rookie mistake, you need to get your drop offs first.
Otherwise the other person won't carry through.

Oh this is spot on how I feel. Like my time is worthless because I don’t work and free for everyone. It is good to see it written down like this. Thanks.

That’s so sad. Hope you have many better friends than her!

I do favours (and ask them) but with a strongly reciprocal air. A friend took my DC to dance 3 weeks ago, i will be taking hers next week when she has an appointment. I've never minded walking an extra child to/from school with mine, it makes little difference to me.

That said there are absolutely people who can spot a helpful person a mile away and absolutely abuse it. Save your favours for real friends who actually need the help in a crisis.

Oh and don't explain. Just say "oh sorry, I can't today. See you next week" and dash off.

I won’t even look after /feed peoples pets 😂 I have a bad memory and find it a stress trying to remember to shut the chickens in or let the cat out so I have avoided these requests now. Also I feel sorry for the poor little lonely cat who is off it’s food and refuses to go out so I have to clean up cat poo too. The owner can sort it or stay home.

100% this

OP gently you are enabling this behaviour and letting it perpetuate because you don’t ever say no.

It is YOUR choice. If it bothers you SAY NO.