Annoyed at being everyone’s childcare

[macaroniandcheeze]

I am a SAHM. I waited to have kids when we could afford to live on only one income.

Our kids (DD, DS1 & DS2) are all in primary school and I’ve made friends with several parents of their friends. They mostly work but some are also SAHM too.

I do believe “it takes a village” but recently I have been feeling like I am everyone else’s default childcare and personal assistant.
It’s been building up and now I suspect a few “friends” are just CFs.

Nearly every day I get a message oh can you pick up DS from school? Can you take my DD to dance club with yours? I have to take a call for work so can you walk round and take my DS to school with yours?

Last week one mum saw me drive by on my way to scouts and shouted into the window of my car “Oh great can you get my son too?” So I picked the kid up and took him home to the dad who wasn’t working that day. I don’t feel like I can say well no, why can’t his dad get him? He was literally just on the sofa watching sports.

Another time one was texting me about what time a school club ended and I told her, then asked me if I can meet her son from the club and take him to meet her in town as she was at the shops still. All while I had my older DD and her friend with me too. I said no to that one because it’s not fair on DD and her friend so in the end his teenage sister had to come and pick him up. But I had her on the phone going oh I don’t know what to do, I didn’t know when it finished (maybe read the form for the club when you sign it?) oh I’ll try to get DD to collect him but she has a cold etc. I don’t know why her logistics are my problem tbh.

I don’t want to be unfriendly and we do play dates fairly evenly for the younger ones (I’m not keeping count!)

If I’m going up to school or Scouts anyway I feel like I can’t really say no I won’t grab your kids too without a good excuse. But I am starting to feel downtrodden and taken advantage of.

I ask very little in return. I have only needed someone to pick my children up once last year when I had an emergency.

AIBU?
YABU - you should help out where you can, it won’t last forever and it’s good to be a “village”

YANBU - people are CF and you need to set some boundaries

All of this.

I haven't voted as I think YABU to mind, but not do anything about it, although you say "setting boundaries" is YANBU.

It's nothing to do with being a SAHM, except that maybe you don't ever ask others to lift share or help you out, maybe ?

This is why I was happy helping out as a sahm. My kids were happy and it didn't bother me the slightest most of the time. Then you got some CF ofcourse. One mum asked me to keep her 1 year old from 7 -19 h twice a week for a month! I politely declined but said I could have him over a morning or afternoon occasionally if she needed help. I really do like to help out when I can and when it's not too burdensome AND when the parents are polite and not CF.

Stop being a pushover and say no.

I would literally just ignore someone's message if I got a message like this.

If I was in person I'd just say "ah I'm so sorry I can't today" and not give an excuse. It's not difficult!

Yeah that’s why it’s hard to make it a reciprocal thing. I don’t need any help getting my kids to and from school and clubs because I planned it that way. But now I’m in charge of everyone else’s slack!

My ex husband always told me I was a people pleaser. Damn I hate it when he’s right 🤣

Yes I think I started out very happy to help! But it’s incrementally increased in quantity and effort. I’m impressed they had the gall to ask you to have the baby all day 😱 some CFs know no limits!
It is hard to tell when it’s a real emergency (fell down the stairs!) or just laziness or poor planning. So I just say yes most of the time.
I don’t mind helping but it pissed me off when the dad answered the door in his joggers with sports on the telly and the mum had asked me to do pick up instead of him!

You might be able to get your kids from school and clubs but I see it that makimg it reciprocal means that you can give 1 on 1 time for the other child/ren or just get some you time or whatever. Just because you don't need it as in you can cope without it being reciprocal it might have some benefits.

That’s a good point.

I guess I felt like they ask me for help when they “need” it so I shouldn’t suggest it just because I “want” it. But it would be handy!
I’ve started to realise that their version of “need” isn’t actually that accurate and if they’re going to benefit from shared drops offs etc maybe I should too!!

You’ve been too passive. If you don’t want to do something then you have to decline. They are being cheeky asking you so often but they are only asking. They aren’t forcing you to do it. You have to stop agreeing.

Time to start blacklisting the CFs who do this type of thing from any future favours. That will significantly cut down your list.

OP my love you have your own children that is enough. These favour asking parents would have to parent if you weren't there. Stop being there for them.. Enough now this has to stop. It is not on you to be the defalt parent cos they cannot be bothered.For your own sanity say no more please.

I love @soarklyknobs replies 👏

Both options can be true at the same time. Some people are CFs (like the one who asked you to pick her kid up and drop him off in town). But if it doesn't cost you anything to help someone (eg give a kid a lift to an activity with yours), I don't see why you wouldn't help.

Regardless, it's healthy to have boundaries, try and figure out where your boundaries are.

I was going to say- ask for help from everyone you’ve helped even if you don’t need it. Do it as a test over the next month or so. little white lies “hi please will you pick up my dcs with yours after school/club tonight? I’ve been waiting for a delivery and they’ve just said it’s coming when I’ll have to leave for pick up.” “I’m suck in traffic, not 100% sure I’ll be on time for pick up, can you grab dcs?”

Good people who have asked you for a favour in the past would actually like the opportunity to pay you back.

if they suddenly can’t or suggest you rearrange delivery etc, be unable to help next time.

But from what you are saying they are not asking because they necessarily need it. It was just more convenient eg the husband was home. That is not a need

This. When I was a SAHM I occasionally had this happen but responded by saying, "I'll do x, perhaps you can do y (for my child), that could work for us both"

But more generally, I'd say sorry, I have something on. That's all. People don't care about your reasons so don't bother to explain, you don't owe them that.

ps Your story reminded me of the carpool story line on Motherland!

I think you have to think of it like this.
It doesn't matter you're going that way,you can still say no.

Like I've helped people out and then when I needed it they where nowhere to be seen.

You just learn to say no, and not be worry about looking like the bad guy

I don’t mind helping but it pissed me off when the dad answered the door in his joggers with sports on the telly and the mum had asked me to do pick up instead of him!

But why ?
I mean, that's the benefit of working with other parents in your "village" (as they like to say on here) or community. Set up a lift share, then you can put your slippers and PJs on when it isn't your turn, or you can get something done without watching the clock, or you can have some alcohol if you fancy it as you won't be driving later. You can even think of it as doing your little bit for the planet. Makes much more sense for one parent to take a couple of other local dc and a different one to fetch them (or week and week about or whatever you prefer) than every child having their own parent take them, and fetch them each week.

This was me when mine were younger and I wfh. I didn't mind helping out on the odd occasion, but I had the house and bigger garden. So it seemed to be expected. It got to the point where I was asked, even when my kids were away?! I was a people pleaser and it was company for us. It was reciprocated. But when others are trying to arrange their work around the holidays and seeing my plans for the potential childcare. It can feel mean spirited.
I'm very much a no person now. I refuse to accommodate others, at my own expense.

Do they point you with a gun when asking for those favours?
If the answer is no, it is your fault for not saying no.

I think you need to become less available and don’t reliably respond to the messages. You are currently an easier option than getting the lazy-arse husband off the sofa.

Yeah that’s what I meant sorry it was implied that they needed my help so I’d say yes but actually they didn’t “need” it I was just a convenience

Oh god, am I Anne??!!

If you're getting several requests a week from different people OP, then I think the next time someone asks, you should say, 'I'm really sorry Carol, but it seems that I'm being asked by different people every day to collect or drop off their kids, even when there's no real reason, I've therefore decided to only help out in an absolute emergency, as I do feel that people are taking advantage, so on this occasion I'm going to say no, sorry" Alternatively, tell them that as so many people seem to want your services for pick ups and drop offs, you've decided to charge £10.00 a time. That'll soon put a stop to the CF's!

YABU.

There is nothing stopping you from saying the word No.

If you allow it people will treat you as a doormat. Only you can resolve this.

When you say no it's not convenient, don't offer an explanation. Just repeat it doesn't work for you, you have other plans that don't fit if they push.

You do not have to justify your life.