Annoyed at being everyone’s childcare

[macaroniandcheeze]

I am a SAHM. I waited to have kids when we could afford to live on only one income.

Our kids (DD, DS1 & DS2) are all in primary school and I’ve made friends with several parents of their friends. They mostly work but some are also SAHM too.

I do believe “it takes a village” but recently I have been feeling like I am everyone else’s default childcare and personal assistant.
It’s been building up and now I suspect a few “friends” are just CFs.

Nearly every day I get a message oh can you pick up DS from school? Can you take my DD to dance club with yours? I have to take a call for work so can you walk round and take my DS to school with yours?

Last week one mum saw me drive by on my way to scouts and shouted into the window of my car “Oh great can you get my son too?” So I picked the kid up and took him home to the dad who wasn’t working that day. I don’t feel like I can say well no, why can’t his dad get him? He was literally just on the sofa watching sports.

Another time one was texting me about what time a school club ended and I told her, then asked me if I can meet her son from the club and take him to meet her in town as she was at the shops still. All while I had my older DD and her friend with me too. I said no to that one because it’s not fair on DD and her friend so in the end his teenage sister had to come and pick him up. But I had her on the phone going oh I don’t know what to do, I didn’t know when it finished (maybe read the form for the club when you sign it?) oh I’ll try to get DD to collect him but she has a cold etc. I don’t know why her logistics are my problem tbh.

I don’t want to be unfriendly and we do play dates fairly evenly for the younger ones (I’m not keeping count!)

If I’m going up to school or Scouts anyway I feel like I can’t really say no I won’t grab your kids too without a good excuse. But I am starting to feel downtrodden and taken advantage of.

I ask very little in return. I have only needed someone to pick my children up once last year when I had an emergency.

AIBU?
YABU - you should help out where you can, it won’t last forever and it’s good to be a “village”

YANBU - people are CF and you need to set some boundaries

I had this. Set boundaries you are comfortable with. Mine were - for close friends, real friends, I was happy to help out sometimes. For others, then of course in an emergency, but otherwise there had to be some level of reciprocity. Not set in stone and not necessarily like for like - but I dropped people fast who had no awareness of that and would never offer. My dh worked long hours and I worked PT so in school holidays say I was really grateful if someone took my dc on a fun outing. If it is outside your boundaries, say no that won't work, don't explain or they will find "solutions".

The village thing - I agree we should all pitch in but that, to me, means emergencies and also a general watchful oversight - the kid always playing alone, the one left in the park with no-one collecting, the one who always seems hungry, the recently arrived family with no friends or family nearby...... Not doing other people's boring, basic, daily routines because they can't be bothered/can't get organised - there are people who really need your help in your community so if you want to help someone, help them 😀.

Start ignoring your phone.
Even if it is a genuine emergency it is not your job to always be the one to help.

You need to change you.
They really think you are a mug and they don't have any respect for you or your time.

My friend had a similar issue as she lived close to the school and was constantly getting requests.

First off she stopped answering the phone.
Stopped reading messages and could say I didn't see it.

She turned on that she could read notifications from the top and once she saw who it was from she simply never read it.

She was obviously asked about it and said I am doing a phone detox and am taking a break.

You wouldn't believe a few of the comments like " oh but i depend on you" etc.

She stuck to her guns and they moved on to the next mug.

The dropping home to a lazy father would be the moment most people with self respect would say never again.

Oh and another friend had to say to a few of her friends that she didn't become a SAHM to be their emergency care!
She tookn a huge income hit to stay at home.
Not to become a free childminder.
They had never called when she worked full-time.

Have been thinking about this and there's really no reason why you can't make this work for you if there is something you don't mind doing. My son does football on a Monday. I am at work and my husband has to take my daughter to dance - we have one car so we couldn't do everything. My son was desperate to do this football club so I thought about all possible options and worked out that if I booked him into after school club he could go along with his friend as his friend went straight after. I wasn't insane though and didn't sign him up until I was sure it would work!

Talked to his parents and they were totally fine with it - they're doing the exact same route regardless, I live on the way home. I 'still' felt terribly guilty about it as it's not reciprocal so offered to babysit for them once a month or so. They are like us and have no family around so are delighted to have a kid-free night now and again and I'm delighted my son can do his football (I mean, somewhat delighted. I kind of hate kids football)

Super long but I would have a think about regular requests that just aren't that difficult and see if there's something they can do to help you out - would you like a kid free night now and again? Is there a particular bit of your week that's annoying? (working or not, evenings are actually the tricky bit with older kids!) etc etc.

Am flabbergasted at the assumption that someone who doesn't have a job just has endless spare time to work for free.

Yes the French are very direct. You be tired of it op. Its hard saying no as I got told are u going to match anyway!! We stopped lifts etc as found either kids not ready or dad took them. Thank god she older now. People def so pushy these days!

It is definitely the lack of reciprocity that's the problem here. It sounds like with 3 you're always doing school run but I'd absoutely be thinking ,"okay, but it's always a pain dragging both Annie and Pete out to take Arthur to scouts, so next time Penny asks me to collect Dave from school I'll suggest that in exchage she picks up Arthur for scouts."

The good friends will be relieved you're asking for help. And the CFs will quietly disappear.

This!!

If you give people an inch, they'll take a mile OP, and you're getting sod all back in return from the sounds of it. Sounds like some are assuming you have endless time available just because you're a SAHM and are presuming on your good nature. That's CF behaviour.

Definitely time to start getting more selective about which favours you'll do.

I work nearly full time as does my husband and whilst it’s hard juggling that’s our problem to deal with. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

YY to being a bit flaky at checking your phone and start expecting reciprocity. Nice people will be happier swapping favours, any CF will back away or find excuses and then you won't feel so bad about saying no to them in future.

It's about mutual respect. If you don't feel they are treating you with respect, start by treating yourself as an equal to them.

When this happened to me, I said things like: "Sorry I can't do that, I need some one-on-one time with [name of your child] and this is the only 10 minutes we'll get this week." "Or sorry we're popping in to visit family on the way back, so can't do it." No discussion. And I deliberately arranged things to make it so.

I found that after several instances of being less available the requests reduced. I think it was a mix of people getting used to me being there for them, so it allowed them to be over-busy or disorganised. Plus with a couple of people I think they didn't like being told 'no'.

With one friend I set up a more reciprocal arrangement that worked for us both, and acknowledged the needs we each had. e.g. I'll take both kids to x so you don't have to rush out of work, and you can pick them up so I have time to do reading homework with [other child].

If your son likes the time he gets with his friends in the car, he would presumably be as happy in the other parent's car...

Is there a way of rephrasing it in your head as a positive? You don't "need" your child to car share because you have arranged your life to be able to be there. But if you weren't doing the club run, what could you be doing that you enjoy instead? If I didn't mind giving lifts but was feeling taken advantage of, I would be tempted to message the mums that ask and say that you have noticed that they are struggling to do club drop off with work and would they like you to drop offs and they can do pickups so you can do whatever it is that you would like to use that time for. Then if they say no, I would find it easier to remind them that they didn't want to share lifts.

You do not owe anyone your time or effort just because you can't think of a good reason to say no. You are being taken advantage of and that is a good enough reason to refuse. You can say no, don't apologise or feel the need to offer reasons for your refusal. "I'm not in a position to help you today" is all that's required. The more you say yes, the more people will ask.

Think about the example you are setting to your children. Do you really want them to learn that refusing to do every favour requested of you is mean or they they have a responsibility to be the solution to everyone else's problems?

The mum who fell down the stairs would have found someone else if you hadn't answered. If you think and behave like you are the only emergency option then people will treat you that way.

The problem with people pleasing is that people do it to avoid other people thinking badly of them; you have said several times you don't want to be 'mean', but no one is obliged to think well of you so stop trying to please people in the hope that they will. If the people around you think badly of you because you won't be a doormat for them then they are not worth trying to maintain good relationships with.

Sorry, I'm meeting a friend

Sorry, I've got a migraine coming

Sorry, I'm heading straight out to do a food shop

Sorry, I've already said I'll collect another friend's child so there isn't room.

Sorry, I took the car seats out earlier as I had to take some bits to the dump

Sorry, the car is full as I'm taking some things to the dump

Or just try to get a bit more reciprocity.

Sure, I can do Scouts today - are you able to do next week?

Sure, I can take them both to dance class if you can collect them both later?

I really agree with all of this. Thanks

I think I feel responsible for people. I don’t know why I feel like that. It’s nice to be nice but I’m putting unnecessary pressure on myself. I need to think about it and how i can change my approach. I dont want my dd and ds’s to take that on. My son is a massive people pleaser already.

I also know which friends would reciprocate and which are CFs.

Here we go again

Another (woman) who cannot say no

Change your phone number OP

I did say no in one instance in the examples.
But yeah I doubt a man would find himself in this situation.

If someone wants a lift to somewhere you are going anyway I don’t understand why people wouldn’t do it.

Start calling in the favours you're owed. You took their kid to a club last week so ask them to pick up yours this week.

You'll soon see which ones are friends and which ones are using you.

I'd continue to do it if it genuinely suits you (you're going that way at that time etc).
Otherwise just don't reply, or say 'No, that doesn't work for me,' smile and move on.

Well I used to think that. But then it snowballed.
Now, I just don’t want to. My sons friends clubs are not my responsibility.

I have several friends that are mother's. Some of them work and some are sahm's.
Over the years they all had the cf's who expected them to collect or bring home their kids from school, football ect.
One friend of mine was a sahm when her kids were younger. She had a few calls re collecting or bringing kids home from things. She decided to say I will bring them but can you collect them? She found out quickly who were the cf's.

She arranged with other parents who could drop or collect kids from x or y and they took turns. It made life easier for them all.

In your situation I would start to ring these parents and ask the to collect your child or bring them home from scouts, football ect. If they can't do it the next time they ring I say no that your busy that afternoon.

Agree we going anyway but these pushy girls were asking every time for lifts (twins)! People got tired of them. Nobody replies now

I have a few friends who I do this with but it's definitely reciprocal, it's very handy to have a couple of people I know I can call on! It's horrible to feel like you're taken advantage of just because people can't be bothered though, that's very different.