Annoyed at being everyone’s childcare

[macaroniandcheeze]

I am a SAHM. I waited to have kids when we could afford to live on only one income.

Our kids (DD, DS1 & DS2) are all in primary school and I’ve made friends with several parents of their friends. They mostly work but some are also SAHM too.

I do believe “it takes a village” but recently I have been feeling like I am everyone else’s default childcare and personal assistant.
It’s been building up and now I suspect a few “friends” are just CFs.

Nearly every day I get a message oh can you pick up DS from school? Can you take my DD to dance club with yours? I have to take a call for work so can you walk round and take my DS to school with yours?

Last week one mum saw me drive by on my way to scouts and shouted into the window of my car “Oh great can you get my son too?” So I picked the kid up and took him home to the dad who wasn’t working that day. I don’t feel like I can say well no, why can’t his dad get him? He was literally just on the sofa watching sports.

Another time one was texting me about what time a school club ended and I told her, then asked me if I can meet her son from the club and take him to meet her in town as she was at the shops still. All while I had my older DD and her friend with me too. I said no to that one because it’s not fair on DD and her friend so in the end his teenage sister had to come and pick him up. But I had her on the phone going oh I don’t know what to do, I didn’t know when it finished (maybe read the form for the club when you sign it?) oh I’ll try to get DD to collect him but she has a cold etc. I don’t know why her logistics are my problem tbh.

I don’t want to be unfriendly and we do play dates fairly evenly for the younger ones (I’m not keeping count!)

If I’m going up to school or Scouts anyway I feel like I can’t really say no I won’t grab your kids too without a good excuse. But I am starting to feel downtrodden and taken advantage of.

I ask very little in return. I have only needed someone to pick my children up once last year when I had an emergency.

AIBU?
YABU - you should help out where you can, it won’t last forever and it’s good to be a “village”

YANBU - people are CF and you need to set some boundaries

The truth was my daughter didn't particularly like the girl and said she didn't want her sharing the journey.
At 15 I had to respect that.

this is another factor for not making it a permanent deal. It makes things fucking awkward when you’re stuck with a sulky teen who isn’t friends with yours anymore. And somehow your still driving them all around

Sometimes people are confused as to whether they are actually dealing with a CF.

The simple test of them accepting a "No, sorry that doesn't suit" means that they may not be if it is only an odd request.

CF's argue the point and will reply to the No answer.

They are best not replied to futher.
If they ask you face to face about it later, you say "I was busy" or " I didn't see it".
The end.

They very quickly realise that you are no longer bidable and move on.

I agree @Plmii ! Sometimes it may be just as easy as having own dc, but if you are doing it properly there will be times when it isn't - lost belongings, messages to/from session leader, they seem off colour/sad, food requirements, last minute change of plans, someone else offers to bring your dc home, your child is sick just before etc etc. It is one of the many reasons childcare and education settings have ratios. There is absolutely no reason to do all that regularly for someone else any more than you'd go round to clean someone's house (in normal, non-emergency situations), or remember when their income tax return is due. Proper friendships are different - of course you help each other out and in multiple ways and if the relationship is healthy no-one needs to keep count. But that's not what we are talking about here.

@EasternStandardWhen I asked for help I got it. But I gave many more favors than I got. Mainly because I was lucky enough to be able to choose to be a SAHP and I was always happy to help anyone who might have a more complicated life than I had. And even if they didn’t have a more complicated life then who cares? It literally cost me nothing in time, resources, anything.

@macaroniandcheeze

I could have written this when my kids were little! I took a career break for a few years to be a SAHM until they were settled in school & then took a part-time job so that I could continue to do school runs, clubs, activities, holiday care, etc. People are so bloody rude - they just assume you have absolutely nothing else to do & their lives are more important because you don't have 'a proper job'. Used to make me furious! I got to a point where I snapped & just started saying NO with no elaboration or excuse - just NO. It was liberating!! I had 2 good mum friends who I knew would reciprocate any help in a heartbeat (& who I trusted with my kids!) & cut everyone else off!!

yes it is. From this statement I presume someone does these sort of things for you.

@thismummydrinksginYou presume wrongly.

This also happened to me OP. I did have to start saying no (I had a pre-prepared excuse ready).

I ended up giving about 4 kids a lift home from cubs and later scouts. They were all hyped up and wild. Just getting them safely to the car was a nightmare (they would run off chasing each other) and the journey home was hideous - they would shout and, on one memorable occasion, scream. They ignored me if I asked them to quieten down.
Parents just took it for granted too.

@100PercentFaithfulWhy didn't you explain to the parents what was happening, ask them to talk to their children and give them one more chance. Or just say you were sorry-you couldn’t do it any more?

I was in that situation once. I turned into a side road, ground the car to a halt and switched the engine off. Then, I folded my arms and forcefully calmly explained that we would continue to stay there until they stfu and stopped messing around. I may have raised my voice slightly.😂

Exactly.
I remember a mother calling to my door years ago to ask could I drop her child home every monday.
She had to seek out where we lived as she didn't have my number. She lived near me and worked full-time. It would be a couple of minutes out of my way only! She was stuck on mondays.

I was stunned and was mumbled maybe.
She gave me her number.
I texted her the following morning and told her absolutely not.
With 3 children of my own and a husband doing a lot of travelling, I had more than enough responsibility of my own to juggle.

Tough lesson.
I learnt the hard way to NEVER agree to any request and answer with a "let me get back to you about that"

That gave me the space to think and decide what suited me.

If it cost you literally "nothing in time, resources, anything" to give many more favours than you received than that's great. However the argument here is that this is generally not the case and there is usually some cost to those who are habitually asked to give favours simply because they may have chosen to take, in many cases, a substantial financial hit in order to reduce their working hours or become a SAHP.

@republicofjamOh come on. The “costs” mentioned included putting an extra coat in the car!🤣 And I honestly don’t see what the financial hit involved in becoming a SAHP has to do with it. One of the benefits of being a SAHP is having more time to do stuff like this. And as I said, I liked being able to support other women.

I also liked being able to reduce the number of other cars on the road.

I was a SAhM for 7 years and I totally understand you OP! There are some right cheeky feckers. I didn’t mind favours for true friends who reciprocated but there were a few who did try to take advantage and it took me a while to learn to say no. Stick to your guns. If they choose to work, their childcare is their responsibility not yours

I mention the financial hit of being a SAHP because it's rarely taken to facilitate the lives of other parents. Absolutely help out if you want to but there is no obligation to do so. Supporting other women shouldn't mean guilt tripping them into doing favours that they don't want to do just because you perceive it to be no trouble.That's been done to death for centuries although admittedly mainly by men.

Ok great but the op feels differently. And apart from a couple most can see her point.

Ok great- can you do my supermarket shop whilst you do yours? It’s just a few bits and bobs? Oh and as you go past the post office could you collect the parcel that’s there for me? Just thought - I need to buy a birthday gift for that party coming up soon- how about we both chip in for the gift? I’ll pay you my half later, if I remember, when you collect my kid on your way to the party. I’ll be binge watching a series so thanks for bringing them back home. It’s on your way so it’s all no trouble. Thank goodness that you’re a sahp with the purpose of just being super helpful to other women. Hats off to you.

@ButterCrackersI would do some of those things for you yes, if it fitted into what I was doing.

OP one thing I found with CF is when you say no they often ask why and then try to judge if you actually could do them the favour/pick holes in your decision/“solve” your problem that means you can’t help them.

so give minimum explanations as to why you are saying no, I have often used “it’s all a bit complex and I won’t bore you with it but it’s a no. Hope you sort something.” If asked again, keep with the “It all so dull, you don’t need to hear it, anyway, long story short, I can’t.”

if you feel put on the spot, you can say you think there’s something on the calendar for that day but you can’t remember what it is, you’ll check when you get home and then let them know. Then just message that sorry, doesn’t work after all.