Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

You’re so hyper focussed on not being invited to the wedding and missing the point that your ‘D’H is a psychotic flapping bellend.

Oh really....

He hasn't asked the kids to keep secrets. You've misread.

@Unlisted you really don’t describe a nice guy he sounds like a bully towards your BIL

Sounds like he was frustrated at you and the idea of his sisters wedding, probably not how he’d do it but not in his control and hard dealing with the secrets. Perhaps it just got on top of him?
yes he was wrong to speak to you like that, and I would expect a sincere apology to you privately and one in front of the children, with you both explaining that behaviour is not ok.

I agree with many of the other posters, your dh is not a nice man. That is your problem not all the secret wedding stuff. I’m not sure that you are able to really see that though, not yet.

To be hones the reason for the secret is what would be bugging me, I personally wouldn't want to keep a secret of such magnitude unless there was a VERY good reason why I was demanded to keep it secret from my OH or my mum, and it would need to have a time limit!

I wonder if they were planning to reveal it as a mothers day surprise or something like that??

Surely OPs DH wasn't going to never tell her about it??

But it’s not just the fact he shouted.

He shouted, he lied, he called her and her family freaks, he’s dismissing her feelings, he’s getting his kids to lie (I have strong feelings about making kids lie as it’s a tactic often used in sexual abuse. My DC are told they never keep secrets, but I appreciate that’s a personal thing)

This is absolutely divorce territory for me. He’s treating his wife like shit over something that if he had simply told her in the first place that his sister was getting married and she wasn’t invited then he would have avoided being a massive prick.

His mother didn’t need to know. It’s not her wedding The only people who need to know are the bride groom and witnesses. Often parents want to add bells and whistles to weddings which is a reason many couples avoid them where as legally they should marry

I think the wedding is irrelevant. He complains about seeing your family to the point that kids copy him. He refers to them as freaks? He screams at you in front of the kids. FUCK THAT.

Her pushing for an answer when he didn't want to discuss it in front of her family as he'd been asked to keep a secret.
Pushing and pushing for an answer and then moaning that the kids now have to deal with a secret.
What to say to his sister, either say congratulations or just leave it.
Crying her eyes out.

No one is asking children to lie. They are just being asked not to gossip about someone else’s event

Who gives a shit about the wedding in all of this!?

his family aren’t freaks like mine!

That's your parents and/or siblings - your kids grandparents and/or aunt/uncle. That's disgraceful and completely unacceptable. And, for me, there would be no coming back from that.

Making the kids lie - irritating and I'd be pissed off as the kids should not have to cover up his fuck up (no matter if they're old enough to understand it's not a 'bad' lie).

But the way he spoke about your family...I could never forgive that.

If my husband kept saying ‘I’m not available’ and didn’t tell me why I’d be fucking suspicious too and keep asking. But then, my husband wouldn’t do that because we have a healthy marriage.

And as I said, if my DH screamed at me, lied to me, called me a freak and then made out nothing was wrong I’d cry too.

Let’s not blame his, quite frankly, utterly shitty behaviour on his wife.

They've been asked not to tell their grandmother about her own daughter - their aunt's - wedding. It's not great.

Your DH screams at you in front of your children for asking something so normal, claiming your family are freaks when his family is the one having a ‘close
family only’ wedding that doesn’t even involve the groom’s own mum 🤣🤣😭😭😭 whaaat, they’re the freaks and I’d educate him on that!

@Unlisted - "... I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them..."

Is that a problem for you?

"... I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough ..."

Why do you make your husband see your family? How do you make him? Sounds a bit like coercion...

I can sort of see why he might be a bit tense around family issues

If no other partners are invited I wouldn’t be fussed about the wedding

I would be fussed about your DH’s attitude

It’s fine for his sister to have a siblings only wedding. It’s absolutely not fine for him to lie by omission by concealing that from you and then being so unbelievably aggressive when caught out. I’d genuinely struggle to move on from this quickly.

Agree. He was wrong to scream in front of the kids but he probably is fed up after YEARS of being forced to accommodate you by associating with people he doesn't like or enjoy. Why micromanage him to that extent?

So the general wisdom is that if your spouse is suddenly annoyed by you or cross with you for no good reason, there's someone else. I'd rule this out OP, confirm there's actually a wedding, if you can.

you have had a row and a nasty one. But you say that this behaviour is not typical of him which is why you are so very shocked and upset.He has also apologised. Most couples will have a bad row at some point in their marriage but ignore the people here who say leave him, they probably have crap relationships themselves. Youu don't give up on an otherwise marriage and ruin your children's lives over one bad row

he sounds to me the he was uncomfortable and overwhelmed about being asked to keep a secret which deep down he also believes to be unreasonable. As he is close to his mother he may be upset about how she will accept the news that she is being left out of the planning and now like many men is dealing with his anxiety by trying to switch off from the problem.

I would cool it, you are not being singled out not to go to the wedding as the other partners are not invited. Your SIL sounds weird but you don't have to make that your problem. After the wedding when things have cooled down sit him down and insist on talking it through but calmly. Set out some boundaries about future behaviour and tell him the penalties for crossing them, but don't say anything that you are not prepared if necessary to go through with.

Forget the wedding. What your DH did would be unforgivable to me.

If my husband kept saying ‘I’m not available’ and didn’t tell me why I’d be fucking suspicious too and keep asking. But then, my husband wouldn’t do that because we have a healthy marriage.

Perhaps some of us would take the hint & discuss it later?

I wouldn’t have a problem with my DH going to the wedding without me if it genuinely was that small. However I do very much agree with you about things like this damaging a marriage. Him having kept such a big thing a secret, to the point of it causing massive drama, is a big big problem. He should have told his wife what was going on. Secrets in a marriage are bad. The only things I would keep secret from my husband are friends personal secrets that they’ve confided in me and are nothing to do with him. The husband should be realising he’s massively fucked up here and be busy making amends, not being sick of talking about it.

She did. In the car. And he fucking lost it.

I agree that maybe she badgered him too much, but her pestering doesn’t mean his behaviour was acceptable at all.