Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

I think his behaviour screaming in your face in front of your kids is going to put a big crack in your marriage that is always going to be there.

He verbally abused you in front of your kids. He called your family freaks. He's an abusive ass.

You know what? The 5 year old is likely always going to remember this. It's really scary for the kids when adults lose it like your husband did.

There is nothing your family did that caused his verbal abuse. He just doesn't like them and showed it in the worst way and in front of your kids. It sounds like he doesn't like you either.

Rugsweep away but you're just going to need bigger and bigger rugs.

This should be a wakeup call for you, OP.

Madness.

On the other hand, wankbadger is an excellent phrase.

Yes, I mean he went to far but it was obviously something he didn't want to say in front of others, presumably because its a secret, so going on and on at him was a bit OTT. He probably has been dreading telling OP as he knew there would be drama.

I am so angry about the children and keeping secrets. He says he was asked to keep a secret so did. He says the kids are intelligent enough to differentiate between good and bad ones

How is this a 'good secret' if it makes their father scream in their mother's face and their mother cry?

"I am so angry about the children and keeping secrets" Well the only reason they know about the secret is you kept pushing him.

As to what you say to SIL, I think congratulations is pretty normal.

This

"He probably has been dreading telling OP as he knew there would be drama."

He was the one who went ballistic and lost his shit in front of the kids. Now her kids know their dad hates their mom's family and thinks it's fine to call people freaks.

I admit totally and take responsibility for keeping asking him why he couldn’t join us. I admit I asked him again in the car.

It’s not at all unreasonable to ask your husband his plans at the weekend. This isn’t on you at all.

The screaming in your face in front of the children is the problem here. Not the family or wedding invitation dynamics.

My sister's STBXH used to scream, shout and call her names in front of the children. It's massively negatively affected them. Please split asap for the sake of your children, if not for yourself.

The wedding is the least of your worries I’m afraid.

Why are you asking what you should be saying to his sister? Let it drop. There's no need at all to say anything to her.

It might be a bit paranoid... but

1. Out of the blue he was saying he's not available and then he was encouraging you to take the kids away on holiday without him. He has an extreme reaction when you ask him why. 2)He doesn't want you or them to tell his Mum as its a secret.
2. when you ask about his sister and He crossly says why would you need to speak to her about it anyway.
3. He's said he doesn't want to talk about it any more.

There's a lot of secrecy going on here. Presumably the wedding is just one day. How long would you be away for?

If my sister asked me to keep a secret I wouldn’t tell my husband. If she then asked me to keep a date free to travel to her wedding and not tell my husband I would say no as I wouldn’t lie to my husband. I’d rather not go to her wedding but I wouldn’t lie keep the fact that she is having one secret from my husband as it doesn’t involve him anyway. Your husband should have taken a similar approach

I agree. I am absolutely gobsmacked at his outburst!

OP, what are you going to do about it?

Where is the evidence that OP would be dramatic? If anyone has been dramatic it’s her tosser of a husband.

It’s not at all unreasonable to ask your husband his plans at the weekend.

It is if he's made it clear he doesn't want to tell you in front of your family, and she didn't just 'ask' she continually asked and asked and asked and wouldn't drop it until he exploded about it. I think it would be obvious to anyone that he didn't want to say at that particular moment in time and didn't want to make up a lie in front of her family, OP just didn't pick up on any cues or maybe she did but she completely ignored them as she felt they all had a right to know what his plans were.. which may be part of an ongoing problem with her family.

I suspect OPs family is very close and all know each others business, probably even say things like 'we're all friends here' etc, and this is the part that her DH struggles with, his family obviously work on a need-to-know basis, so this "everyone is entitled to know everything about everyone all the time" family dynamic is obviously something he struggles with, yet she forces him to come with her to socialise even though he doesn't want to.

Besides, OP is not handling the news about the wedding AT ALL which proves the point that he was probably right to keep it on the down low until a bit closer to the time.

I should have said “I would keep the fact that she is having a wedding secret from my husband as it doesn’t concern him” If my husband’s sister wants him not to tell me something that doesn’t concern me but is about her that’s OK. My husband is still allowed his own life and doesn’t have to travel to visit my relatives if he doesn’t want to. We aren’t joined at the hip

Bored of talking about it and can’t see what all the fuss is about? He shouted in your face in front of your young children for one. All other things aside that’s not okay. He should be grovelling.

I’d be less concerned about the wedding invitation and more worried about him shouting in my face, especially in front of our child!

(But yes, you not being invited to the wedding is also not on).

Shouting at you like that was out of order but why won't you listen to him when he says he doesn't want to visit your family so much? Why do you get a free pass from not seeing his the same amount?

Not the point of the thread, I know, but it feels like you want everything on your terms.

I genuinely cannot imagine not inviting my brother or sisters partners to my wedding. Especially if they had kids/were happily married. Baffling. You're not wrong to be upset.

his family obviously work on a need-to-know basis, so this "everyone is entitled to know everything about everyone all the time" family dynamic is obviously something he struggles with

I wonder if his mother would agree with this definition - and be perfectly happy about being left in the dark about her daughter's wedding because she 'didn't need to know'?

Some of the replies here seem to imply that children grow up without ever seeing their parents row.

In RL, it's different. Parents row. Sometimes they lose their tempers. In front of their kids.

Not great but it happens and isn't the end of the world.

Yes, he should apologise and also tell the kids he was wrong to shout at their mum like that.

it's hardly divorce territory which is what some posters are saying.

'Verbal abuse' and such nonsense.

It's actually not bad for kids to see their parents rowing. Because then they can see them make up and understand that relationships often involve strong emotions and rows can be overcome.

I admit totally and take responsibility for keeping asking him why he couldn’t join us. I admit I asked him again in the car.

Which must have been incredibly annoying for him but the right way to handle it would be to say "I'm not discussing it now, in front of the children. We'll talk about it later".

I'd wonder what other secrets he has told the kids to keep from you