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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

407 replies

Unlisted · 20/03/2025 16:52

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 20/03/2025 21:30

Just let her get on with it. It’s not personal to you if no partners are going. I’d just go on the holiday and not worry about it. I can’t be doing with all this drama.

diddl · 20/03/2025 21:31

Astr0zombie · 20/03/2025 21:29

She did. In the car. And he fucking lost it.

I agree that maybe she badgered him too much, but her pestering doesn’t mean his behaviour was acceptable at all.

Show quote history

Well that was hardly later was it?

Of course his behaviour wasn't acceptable.

I would also query if "keeping it secret" would even mean from Op.

I mean she's not even invited!

Unless she couldn't be trusted to not tell MIL?

Astr0zombie · 20/03/2025 21:33

diddl · 20/03/2025 21:31

Well that was hardly later was it?

Of course his behaviour wasn't acceptable.

I would also query if "keeping it secret" would even mean from Op.

I mean she's not even invited!

Unless she couldn't be trusted to not tell MIL?

Show quote history

No idea, the whole thing is bizarre and a mess to be honest and I don’t think we’re actually going to get answers from the OP.

MissDoubleU · 20/03/2025 21:35

Your husband sounds horrible. I would never accept being screamed at like that, let alone in front of the children in a car. I wouldn’t have even wanted him driving after seeing that level of aggression.

You have a serious husband problem, the wedding is the least you should be offended by

diddl · 20/03/2025 21:39

Astr0zombie · 20/03/2025 21:33

No idea, the whole thing is bizarre and a mess to be honest and I don’t think we’re actually going to get answers from the OP.

Show quote history

Indeed.

Apart from him screaming it all seems quite a fuss about nothing.

7yo7yo · 20/03/2025 21:44

Well he’s a cunt isn’t he.
he screamed and shouted in your face in front of the children and told them to keep it a secret. He is not a good husband and I suspect you have unconsciously ignored other warning signs.
stop involving him in your family. Do your own thing with them. Let him carry on with his family. Don’t acknowledge the SIL wedding and if he’s taking the kids he can sort their clothes and getting them ready. I would be deliberately away or busy that weekend and prepare nothing.

Fioratourer · 20/03/2025 21:51

I think your husband is a bigger issue right now, forget the wedding! He projected all his shit onto you by teaching your kids that’s how to speak to each other.

CatsWhiskerz · 20/03/2025 21:55

That's very strange! I'd certainly be pissed if my DH kept secrets and yelled at me because of his secrecy / mysterious behaviour over the holiday - very odd behaviour! I wouldn't be surprised if there was a lot more to this odd wedding

BeaAndBen · 20/03/2025 21:56

Careertimenow · 20/03/2025 18:27

Hounding him seriously. You don't talk to your husband about future plans or are you single?

Other people is their children. Has the rules in marriages change to you can't ask me anything about plans or else I shout in your face. Is it the new normal?

This is what the op said "On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available." So she shouldn't ask what other plans he has during the Easter break. Families do spend time together during the holidays. There's no secrets between me and my dp and we're not even married but we have 4 lovely children.

Show quote history

No, I've been with the same partner for 38 years.

If he said "he's not available" and nothing else, my take would be that there was something he had to do that he wasn't comfortable mentioning in front of that particular audience (his wife's sister and BIL). If it was something he could easily talk about, I'd know.

I certainly wouldn't have pushed it repeatedly than had another prod when in the car with our children. I'd have talked to him about it when we didn't have an audience as clearly there was something going on.

ohfourfoxache · 20/03/2025 22:11

I think the wedding is a red herring

He doesn’t sound very nice, about you OR your family. The shouting may be a one off, but the fact that he reacts like he does about seeing your family is actually really sad

Sugargliderwombat · 20/03/2025 22:12

He made your children keep secrets from you and then screamed on your face about it?

I think there must be other things going on here that you aren't seeing because that behaviour is nuts.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 20/03/2025 22:28

Unlisted · 20/03/2025 16:52

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

Why are so many people ignoring his disgusting behaviour towards you?? His sister’s wedding is irrelevant compared to what he did and in front of your children too. You have a DH problem, he sounds like he needs to get some help.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 20/03/2025 22:42

I’d feel a bit rejected if I didn’t receive an invite but ultimately would be accepting of it. I absolutely wouldn’t be accepting of my partner actively getting my children to collude in keeping secrets though, especially given that it’s widely recognised that you should never encourage children to keep secrets because of the implications for safeguarding.

Edited to add I would be even more furious about my husband being verbally abusive to me in front of my kids and modelling this behaviour.

2Rebecca · 20/03/2025 22:45

The children only found out about the wedding when the OP insisted her husband tell her in front of them. They were not keeping any secrets from their mother. They just had to not mention a wedding to granny, they didn’t have to lie about it just not talk about it which would have been easier if the OP had had more patience and faith in her husband rather than treating him like an employee. It is just a wedding. Everyone over reacted.

Alittlewordinyourear · 20/03/2025 23:01

It is weird. It’s divisive . SIL sounds like a right spoiled madam, not even telling her own mother. Not inviting your siblings long term partners to your wedding is weird. I’d take great pleasure in going on holiday on the wedding day and showing zero interest, no congratulations, only husbands name on any gift . Your wedding doesn’t mean you get to insult/ hurt others.

CactusSammy · 20/03/2025 23:03

You are not married to a nice man. He should not be screaming in your face. Ever.

And now he's 'bored' of you going on about it? I bet he is.

Genevieva · 20/03/2025 23:11

Unlisted · 20/03/2025 18:22

I thought my initial post was long enough but I wanted to talk about my DH and our relationship in but now I don’t think anyone will believe me!

I have a happy marriage to a really nice guy.

He genuinely never raises his voice. This incident was completely atypical and he has apologised. It was so atypical and that is why I am in a state of shock.

I admit totally and take responsibility for keeping asking him why he couldn’t join us. I admit I asked him again in the car.

I am so angry about the children and keeping secrets. He says he was asked to keep a secret so did. He says the kids are intelligent enough to differentiate between good and bad ones

I admit I keep asking him questions about what I am supposed to say to his sister, he just keeps saying it’s not his wedding and why would I need to speak to her anyway.

He feels it’s just not his doing and just cannot understand what my problem is with him.

I cannot move on or think about anything else.

Is it possible that his odd behaviour is because he is stressed and unhappy about it in some level?

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/03/2025 23:16

I have been musing about this and I wonder....

You know that if people scream accusations about you, its usually actually what they think about themselves? Well I cant help thinking that he has always thought his family was perfect but now he has to face the fact that they are not. He thinks that what his sister is doing is wrong, that she should at least invite their mother and therefore, by his own definition, his family are "freaks".

MrsPeterHarris · 20/03/2025 23:21

Pillopads · 20/03/2025 18:44

I have a happy marriage to a really nice guy.

I dread to think what your version of an unhappy marriage is

I know - me too. There is some serious fucked up shit in his family & you’re much better off out of it. Both he & his sister sound like nasty pieces of work & I’d stay well away from both of them.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/03/2025 23:59

Unlisted · 20/03/2025 18:45

I genuinely don’t feel that he puts his family first. This behaviour, while abhorrent was an anomaly.

He sort of calls into his family after the school run and they are back before I even get home.

I think they are a happy family. MiL would be a bit over excited about this wedding but not so interfering to warrant this!

DH is bored of talking about it all and can’t see what I am fussing about.

Op you’re not getting angry enough about his behaviour in the car. He needs to know that if he does anything like that again it’s over. It’s hugely damaging for your children and it’s abusive. Don’t minimise it.

He should have told you about the invitation as soon as he got it - at the very least to let you know he wouldn’t be around?! We have a rule - don’t accept invitations without checking the other parent is around. It’s not controlling to want the other parent to not assume you’re the default childcare. So you were 110% not being unreasonable asking what his mysterious plans were.

It’s very telling that you feel he doesn’t put you first. Your little family unit should be paramount. He doesn’t sound the nice guy you think he is.

Jeschara · 21/03/2025 00:05

To be honest your husband sounds like a bully. Calling you family freaks,saying your BIL is boring and calling him Joe 90. He is just plain nasty and a rude pig.
You are married to a real catch there, honestly he is not even clever or original just a bore. I honestly don't know how you make excuses for him. I hope your kids don't turn out like him.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 21/03/2025 00:06

You’re totally fixating on the wrong things too by the way. Your immediate concern shouldn’t be about not being invited to the wedding (that can come later)

Your concern should be

  • Why DH kept secret wedding from you and assumed you would do childcare - you were well in your rights to ask
  • Why he screamed at you in the car and aggressively screamed in your face
  • Why he called your family freaks in front of your children
  • Why he is minimising his behaviour
  • What he is going to action to make sure he never acts like that again
  • Properly apologising to you for his actions and being rude about your family
  • Explaining to the children that he didn’t mean it and that it is not nice to use the word freak.
CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 21/03/2025 00:09

I've read all your posts and I still think your husband is a fucking nutcase. Why didn't he just tell you about the wedding and ask you to keep it secret from his mum? How hard would that have been?

Instead of which he screams in your face like a lunatic and now the kids have been dragged into it. I hope one of them lets the cat out of the bag. How fucking dare he?

As for the wedding, it is a bit odd not to invite partners but since it's not just you that's excluded I would leave them to it. I think there are more pressing issues here to be honest.

Summerlilly · 21/03/2025 00:17

I think you all behaved poorly here and your SIL is irrelevant.
He should have told you as soon as his sister decided on her wedding plans.
You also shouldn’t have nagged him in front of everyone. In hindsight he should have just said that he would explain when you get home and you accept that and not continue to nag him front of the DC.
The yelling at you though is disgraceful and it sounds like his family are the freaks not the other way around.

Nonrienderien · 21/03/2025 00:24

This whole situation is baffling especially regarding the secret wedding. What a ridiculous concept. It's no wonder it's causing people involved to feel anxious & stressed. In addition to this I wouldn't attend a wedding where my DH wasn't invited & neither would he if I wasn't invited,even more so if it was a family wedding.