Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

His sister is getting married, hasn't told her mother and has asked/told her siblings to keep it secret from their partners and he thinks your family are the odd ones???

I’d cry if my husband lied to me, called me a freak and screamed in my face to be fair.

As well as constantly mock your family and let his dad do the same.

DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.
We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm

”kept saying…”? Why did he have to keep saying it. How many times exactly was he pressed into giving a reason why?
I’m not saying him shouting is okay, but even the most mild mannered person would lose their rag if they were repeatedly badgered into answering something they didn’t want to answer because they were keeping someone else’s secret.

I also wouldn’t be upset at not being invited when other partners (& her own DM!) are also not invited. My sibling went off to Gretna to get married. I did actually know but had to keep it a secret so DP & PIL (the reason for the elopement) didn’t find out. It would have been nice to see her married but it didn’t upset me that she had the wedding she wanted.

I admit I keep asking him questions about what I am supposed to say to his sister

Why? Stop badgering him about it, there is no need.

It's so bizarre, why did he keep it a secret from you? And did I understand correctly that your kids knew but not you?
YANBU, your husbands behaviour is shocking. He's the freak here, not tou and not your family.
I wonder if you are missing some information here (as in you are not aware of something), so strange

He screamed in her face and called her family freaks. That would make most normal people quite upset.

He says he was asked to keep a secret so did

She said "I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet."

Your husband sounds like a twat. You should not accept being shouted at like that.

with regard to the wedding. - that’s fair if no partners are included. The secrecy is odd though.

you shouldn’t be forcing him to see your family. He is an adult and can choose to go or not.

Absolutely. Yet OP seems to have brushed this all off because her husband is wonderful.

I very much wonder what else she brushes off.

Am i missing something here? I am absolutely baffled by why your complaint is that you weren't invited to a bloody wedding. Your husband screamed at you in front of your kids and called your family freaks for absolutely no good reason. The wedding non invite is really not the issue here.

Stop badgering him? After the way he has treated her? She should be bloody divorcing him, never mind fucking badgering him.

Would you be okay with your husband lying, being rude to your family, shouting in your face, calling you a freak in front of your kids then dismissing your feelings?

Raise your expectations.

My first SIL didn't invite me to her wedding...I was engaged to her brother at the time.

She was barely civil to me, acted like I didn't exist. About 6 months before she got married, on a night out with my fiance and friends I ran into her bloke snogging another woman in a nightclub. Over 30 years later I can still see the look of horror on his face when he saw me! I told my fiance but as he didn't see them (they'd escaped out the fire exit by the time I got back to him) he decided not to say anything to his sister.

I'm pretty sure sister's fiance then spent the next few months dropping poison about me in her ear. Hence no invite to the wedding...I took it badly and my future inlaws basically forced her into inviting me. The day itself was awful, most of their family knew about all the drama and I was either glared at or ignored. Sister didn't speak or acknowledge me at all... We got married a year later and she and her husband was invited. After that I refused to see them and never did again.

It's not right that not only did your husband scream at you in front of your children, but that he's forcing them to keep a secret/lie to their grandmother. At the very least he needs to apologise to them for both.

Yeah this.

He handled it really, really badly and was awful to you and I think that's why it's playing on your mind so much.

I can see why he'd keep the secret, I know plenty of people who don't tell their spouses secrets that belong to other people. If other partners are also not invited and her Mum doesn't even know yet I'd find the whole thing weird but not offensive. I also think you should have got the message that he didn't want to discuss it and dropped it until you were in private.

I'd be super offended by the freaks comment and be expecting him to explain to ds why it's unacceptable and that he's sorry when ds uses it again.

I'd also stop trying to force him to socialise with your family as much. Sadly he doesn't seem to like them.

I think this is really self important. If mu husbands sibling wanted a tiny wedding, that's their choice, and I wouldn't create drama over it.

Your dh is the problem.

keeping the wedding a secret from you is odd as anything. Screaming in your face is awful. He’s the freak.

I want to know if the Bride's mother is going to be invited or not, and if not, why not ?

However, I totally agree with @AyeDeadOn in that I don't understand why your AIBU is about you not being invited to the wedding, rather than the bit where my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding..

I mean, it is up to the B&G how they get married, how much fuss they want, and who they want to invite. I think it's a bit odd your dh didn't mention it to you, once he found out, but the real issue here is the way he exploded and spoke so aggressively - in your face - to you.
You say that's the first time he's ever done something like that, so shouldn't the priority be working out what is happening to him at the moment that has left him such a changed man ?

He calls your family freaks and then claims he doesn't know what you are fussing about?
He calls your brother "boring"? His dad gives him a mean nickname, that you are informed of?
Then his sister invites him - but not you - to her wedding and demands he keeps this is a secret from you, his wife?

Has it occurred to your charmer of a DH that it's his side of the family that are weirdoes, not yours?

This sounds way too complicated. There must be a sub-text somewhere. In any event, don't worry about your SiL's wedding - she just wants a small one and nothing wrong with that.

Me too! But from her updates I am getting the impression it’s the lack of wedding invite she’s crying over. Not the Wankbadger DH.

But why did she then instruct her brother to lie about it to his own wife? That's the weird part. If someone says they want a small wedding they should just be open about it. The DH's side of the family seem mean-spirited and conspiratorial.

I’d be more concerned about why my husband thinks it’s okay to scream at me infront of the kids and referring to my family as “freaks”. Never mind a wedding where I and other siblings partners aren’t invited.

Divorce this abusive piece of shit!!!!!!

the post is entitled "Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding" so I think we can assume that OP is clearly more bothered about that issue rather than anything else.

She has positively dropped the issue surrounding the shouting and is completely denying that there is a problem there, but is ironically now harassing her DH about having to keep the wedding a secret! There was probably a reason he didn't want to tell her just yet, but until we know WHY he was asked to keep it secret from OP and his own mum we can't really know if her DH is being unreasonable not saying anything.

I'm sorry but that's not on.

My husband would never lie to me - and have his family lie. The fact he has asked your children to also lie is a step too far. Wtf.

I could allow the screaming in the face if it was genuinely a one off and completely out of character.

However the decite is appalling. It's humiliating.