Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

My comment was that it seems remarkably self-involved not to consider the effect that asking your siblings to keep your wedding secret from their own mother (the bride's mother!) and their own partners might have on those relationships. What does money have to do with that?

Well you are clearly determined to focus on the wrong thing. Your SIL doesn’t want to invite partners to her wedding. That’s down to her and her fiancé, nothing to do with DH. I agree with him there’s no point going on about it.

His appalling behaviour is what you should be addressing.

I think it’s very hurtful and divisive that the SIL is not inviting the partners of her siblings. Weddings are family events - instead of insulting people and causing friction between her siblings partners she should have eloped. Not telling her mum is another example of a self centred madam. I’d accept you are not going and DH is but I’d show zero interest in her wedding and go very low contact with her.

@Unlisted Is your MIL invited to the wedding?

So was he going to lie to you on the day of the wedding too?!

Youre his wife. My husband would have told me in minutes if his sister pulled something like this! And why isn’t she telling their mum?! Doesn’t sound like it’s your family who’s the freaks!

A df who asks dc to keep secrets isn't a good df...
A dh who screams at his dw isn't a good dh...
Hope that clarifies things.
You need to ltb. He isn't a good guy at all.
And send mil an anonymous note...... Let the fucker deal with that..

I'm afraid that I think that you partly to blame because you don't seem able to pick up on social cues in that you repeatedly ask him about the poposed holiday, don't recieve an answer and at no point does it occur to you that the reason he's not answering is because it's not something to be discussed in front of other people. As for your husband, he sounds really stressed - keeping that big a secret from his mother is huge and there's no way she's going to forgive him. He must feel he's between a rock and a hard place. Never the less, the fact that I understand how stressed he must be doesn't mean that I think his screaming at you is acceptable but at least he's acknowledged he was unreasonable and apologised. Two more things, he clearly doesn't enjoy spending so much time with your family so stop pushing him to do so and, finally, it's not your wedding and you're not the only inlaw who's not invited so grow up and accept that the sister in law gets to decide who her guests are.

I don’t get it, is your continuing issue that you’re not invited, or how he spoke to you?

Please take this seriously:

your husband is mentally unstable, and possibly dangerous. Screaming in your face in front of your kids, calling your family freaks... this is too weird an anomaly to ignore. Yes, everyone gets angry sometimes, but he had no reason, it came out of nowhere. You've just seen his true face. Start getting your affairs in order and start getting ready to leave now (housing / job / custody).

SIL has nothing to do with it, although I personally think it is unreasonable and unkind to exclude your siblings' married partners, even if you are doing a small wedding.

@Unlisted I believe all of your posts, and I don't think either of you are necessarily weird with your relationships with your families; just different. As this thread is proving, everyone has different dynamics within their core and wider families.

My DH is an introvert and I am an extrovert. How we relate to our families of origin, our core family together and each others family of origin are very different. At times we have both felt the other is missing out for not wanting to interact as we enjoy the most. We've both "forced" each other into uncomfortable situations and we've learnt from those mistakes. You can both adjust your expectations and make things a little easier on each other on that front in the future. But it's clear you wanting him to be fully part of your wider family comes from a good place. As does him taking your kids to see their grandparents.

His behaviour in the car crossed a line. But you know that, he knows that and he's already apologised. For me, because it is so atypical by your account, I would take a breath and work through it. It is entirely possible to demonstrate to him and your kids that that behaviour is not ok without walking out on your marriage. To be honest it sounds like you've already addressed this.

What your stuck on is explaining about the wedding, leaving you out and the secret of it. I would say he's under immense pressure to keep confidences about this wedding and he got so cross with you because he's not comfortable. My DH hates keep anything from anyone and it causes him real pain to do so. Lucky as a result, no one asks him to! I might also struggle but for a different reason. I am a people pleaser and can panic and really shout when I realise I'm failing at something. No, that is not behaviour I am proud of, and I absolutely need to work on it. It doesn't mean I can't do better in the future or that I'm all bad. The same will be true of your DH.

As far as the wedding goes, I would put it our of your mind. Other partners aren't invited either. So this is not a judgement on you. Just what SIL and her other half have chosen for their day. You don't have to like that style of wedding (I wouldn't either) but it's not your choice. And I'd stop asking questions of your DH because he's already under pressure over it and it's not his choice either. I'd go out/away with your sister and BIL and your kids as you'd originally hoped. DH can't miss his sister's wedding without causing upset and you won't want to be sat stewing that day. No more explanation needed really.

I also wouldn't stress about him telling your kids to keep it secret. He is right your kids will learn people do keep secrets. You can talk to them about when that is and isn't ok. Weddings can be an example of when people mean well/want to surprise and get it wrong. I'm hopeful it's a secret from your MIL because SIL intends a nice surprise for her in some way. But you don't need to worry about that.

Your husband and his father sound awful. He is rude about your family for what sounds like no good reason but to scream in your face and call your family freaks is completely unacceptable. I would let him fuck off to his sister's wedding and look forward to divorcing the horrible twat.

I do not understand what you are upset about, apart from your husband feeling awkward & not telling you straight away. It is his sister’s wedding & if she has decided on a small wedding with her siblings but not partners, so be it! Why would that upset you? If you were the only partner not invited that would be different, but none of them are invited. You are over reacting & could cause damage to your relationship, if you need to talk about it or vent then call your SIL, it has nothing to do with your husband!

I don't think it's weird.

She wants her brother and immediate family there, if she invites op then she has to invite other partners and that doubles the size of the wedding, without even thinking about if op goes the X Y or Z has to go because they are closer to the couple than the op is.

They have made their choices about keeping it very small and who will be there and that's totally fine.

The ops dh is an entirely separate matter.

Why are you victim blaming. He was clearly keeping something from her that’s why, most people would do the same! Do you think it’s okay for him to scream in her face? And call her family names in front of their children? It’s disgusting that you are condoning this awful verbal abuse.

If he is stressed then he should be refusing to go along with ridiculous lies! Stop bloody lying - job done.

It’s obvs up to his sister what kind of wedding she has and who she wants to invite. So, IMHO YABU about that. But why is it a secret? Why wouldn’t his sister have told her own mother?

However, YANBU to be upset that your DH screamed at you and called your family freaks in front of the kids. Totally unwarranted and out of order. But maybe the stress of keeping the secret and having to let it out of the bag??

I can’t believe after what I’ve read, that your concern is why you’re not invited to the wedding .

Your DH is a vile, nasty, aggressive man.

What I can’t understand is .. why on earth would he keep the secret from you though?

If my DH’s sister was having a secret wedding with just a few close family he’d tell me because we are a unit, a team. You are supposed to communicate to avoid clashes (like screaming in the car!).

The conversation would be “oh my god you won’t believe this, my sister is getting married in 6 weeks and is only inviting me, Dave and Jill and hasn’t even told mum yet! It’s so weird she isn’t inviting spouses isn’t it?! But you know what is she like! I’ll pop it in the diary just so you know I’m not around that day in case anything comes up. Sorry!”

And then no one has to be weirdly secretive or scream it and everyone is on the same page when the holiday is mentioned and can be discreet.

It is NOT normal to keep a secret from your wife and then blow up over it.

Your dh is also a liar.
His sister is deluded if she doesn’t realise that this is likely to be an extremely divisive decision. Yes have a small wedding and don’t invite siblings. Splitting up families, forcing people to lie is just plain toxic.

Why the hell is anyone going along with this, it would be a flat no from us.

I would drop it with DH about the wedding as he's usually lovely and he has apologised. I assume it was for the shouting in front of the kids.

When tensions have died down I'd talk to him and tell him in no uncertain terms how his attitude to your family hurts you and he needs to stop.

I wouldn't bother with his family anymore.

DH is bored of talking about it all and can’t see what I am fussing about.

Well that would be tough titties from me. He wouldn't get to treat me like that and then try to act as though nothing had happened!!

I'd be telling him something like "I am still totally shocked by your disgraceful behaviour towards me in front of the children. It was a utterly disrespectful. Your attempts to carry on as if nothing has happened are causing things to fester rather than resolve. Is that what you want?"

Yes, I think this. But then if he knew OP was going to overreact to SILs plans like this, crying and whining about it when it’s not his decision…maybe he was just postponing it as long as he could?

He could have said

’ I have been put in the most awful position. My sister has decided to get married and she isn’t inviting partners. I feel like I should go, but I really don’t want you to be upset. What do you think we should do?’

Sit down and work out a plan together as a couple. No sectets. No lies. This is how healthy couples communicate problems and issues. They don’t scream and become abusive.

This has nothing to do with the wedding. None of the partners are invited so you are not being singled out so I would stop thiniking about that.

What IS the issue is that he thought it was ok to scream in your face and call your family names. You need an apology for both you and the kids, they must have been terrified.

You don’t spend any time with his family but you make him spend time with yours. If you do not see his family often and it’s a small wedding, is this why you aren’t invited?

Didn’t OP say her DH was told to keep it a secret? As far as I can see she just wasn’t invite and it was the DH who decided not to share.