Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

He could have just as easily said he had a family commitment with his family that week. Repeatedly asking the question doesn't warrant his reaction. I'm glad it's out of character. I wonder if he is passed off about being put in this position or that your not invited and took it out on you. Whatever the weather, he can't and should justify his behaviour.

With the sister. I wouldn't comment on the wedding at all until she announces it. Then a quick congratulations is sufficient. You weren't invited so I wouldn't buy a gift. Your H can dovthat of his own back.

The his family aren't freaks like yours would make me question exactly how he feels about your family.

Two seperate issues. Sounds like you want him to be overly enmeshed/invested in your own family when he really doesn't want to be. It seems as though you aren't getting that memo and you just keep on prodding him. Secondly, he has been asked to keep this weird and explosive secret which has caused him enormous stress and emotional turmoil. In my opinion understandably. He must have been dreading you finding out and, by the sounds of it, his own mother! In that moment the two things conflated and he exploded.

The only part of this story that is of relevance in terms of what you do going forwards is the evidence that your husband is vile. I would split with him. He’s not a kind person.

At what point was he planning on telling you what he was doing over Easter? When he put his suit on? When he got back from his mysterious event?
It’s a bank holiday weekend - many (most?) families hang out together in some form. How was he just going to slip out for the day?
Does his mother know about her daughter’s wedding or is it just the guest list that is a secret?
Weird.

Fucking hell OP, I’d be running from that man.

He has lied, he’s making his kids lie, he screamed in your face, he called your family freaks and his dad makes fun of your relative.

No thanks. He’s a prick.

I have a happy marriage to a really nice guy.

I dread to think what your version of an unhappy marriage is

It’s tragic that their are children involved in this horror show

I genuinely don’t feel that he puts his family first. This behaviour, while abhorrent was an anomaly.

He sort of calls into his family after the school run and they are back before I even get home.

I think they are a happy family. MiL would be a bit over excited about this wedding but not so interfering to warrant this!

DH is bored of talking about it all and can’t see what I am fussing about.

Money often has a lot to do with capping wedding numbers and OP presumably isn’t paying for the wedding so she doesn’t get to complain that she isn’t invited.

So mil is invited when the time comes just its a secret so she cant get over involved in the planning of a small intimate wedding.

DH is bored of talking about it all and can’t see what I am fussing about.

Maybe stop going on about it then? What do you want him to say? It’s not his decision it’s his sisters. No partners were invited, you haven’t been singled out. You don’t really like to spend time with his family, his sister wants a very intimate wedding with people she feels close to. It’s not that outlandish.

Will MIL be told at all then?

It does sound as if you are making too much of it though.

Partners aren't invited.

What can he say?

It's not up to him.

Do you think he should decline because you aren't invited?

So he is dismissing you too?

He could have simply told you she was getting married and partners weren’t invited. It’s the choices he has made, repeated choices, that are the problem. Don’t accept this. He’s lied to you and screamed at you and called you a freak in front of your kids. And now he is shrugging it off. It’s unacceptable.

It's weirder he kept it secret than his sister is having a teeny immediate family only wedding

Bit weird though isn’t it? Not inviting your brother’s wife? The mother of his children. Understandly if they had been dating a few months but they’re married with kids. Even if OP’s SIL had as many as four siblings, that’s four extra people, that’s if they are all in relationships.

It’s very divisive - it’s inevitable there’s going to be a fallout.

@Unlisted I have a happy marriage to a really nice guy.

No, you really don't.

I think the SIL wedding is Iranian Yogurt here (to use a Reddit term…)

The problem is not her or her wedding, as it’s unlikely you expect her to prioritise you over who own mother who doesn’t know. It’s 100% your husband.

He really is not a 'really nice guy' . He sounds a bully and a knob.

If it is genuinely completely out of character is it possible the pressure of keeping something that big a secret just caused him to crack? It’s absolutely absurd that he attempted to keep that a secret from you. If they really are keeping it so small then I’d not worry about not being invited, provided other partners weren’t either. I would however be absolutely furious that my husband had kept such a big secret from me. It is completely unreasonable that he was expected to keep such a secret and they should never have asked. Unless you’re known for being a massive blabber mouth in which case he didn’t really have a choice and that’s something you need to consider.

Your DH screaming a you like that was awful. That is the only thing wrong, there's nothing wrong with him not wanting to spend a lot of time with your family, not being bothered about you seeing his or his sister having an intimate wedding. I wonder if his outburst was built up stress as he was worried about telling you and scared about your reaction, you clearly find his family dynamics weird because they are different to yours.

I think they are a happy family. MiL would be a bit over excited about this wedding but not so interfering to warrant this!

So why do you think they are keeping it secret from MIL?

So your SIL and your DH are the adults in the room. They get to decide who can be trusted with news of this momentous occasion and you and MIL cannot be trusted to contain themselves with the information. What did they think you were going to do?

But His absence during the Easter holidays affects you and your children too. He could have just said "she's having a small wedding so its siblings only, no partners" and that would have been more than enough information to let you make your own plans.

Now the kids are expected to keep this secret from their Grandmother too.

What he's basically saying now is.. I've made my executive decision and there will be no further discussion.
Awful.

The issue here is your dh and my marriage would be over if dh consistently put his family over and above us. The red lines I have about loyalty, respect and prioritising your dh/dw would not stand for this.

Dh and I in this situation would both decline politely and send a gift, we have never and will never let other people divide us or cause arguments. A marriage will not survive repeated body blows of this nature. If he can’t have your back fully he is not worth keeping.

SIL wedding big or small is irrelevant.

That is very strange and so is your husband's behavior.

This is bizarre. Husband sounds crazy. Keeping secrets from you & then screaming in your face. It's hard to believe he is normally a good guy.