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Original poster

Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

407 replies

Unlisted · 20/03/2025 16:52

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

OP posts:
HisNibs · 20/03/2025 17:46

He sounds bloody awful OP. Just out of curiosity, at what point in time was he planning on telling you anyway? I'm going to guess that he hadn't just found out in the course of the visit with your family on Sunday. Why was he concealing the wedding until you essentially forced him to tell you? Does he do any other similar stupid tricks like this?

BeaAndBen · 20/03/2025 17:47

So he clearly can’t stand your family, is pissed off about enforced socialising, is going to his sister’s secret wedding, and lost his shit with you and screamed at you in front of your children…

Do you get on even a bit? This sounds awful from start to finish. As does your hounding him in front of other people about his plans, in fairness.

bevm72yellow · 20/03/2025 17:47

Yes your husband is being enmeshed in your family and going along with it relentlessly. Give him a break. Maybe step back from being enmeshed with your own family too a bit. You need time with your own children in front of you as a couple. It is very stifling on marriage or relationship to have so much outer family involvement. You are measuring your family beliefs or standards against his. The lack of invitation is not personal dislike....they are trying to keep a secret from the Mum

2Rebecca · 20/03/2025 17:47

The regular communication sounds like the OP telling her husband what he's doing. He isn't allowed to opt out of visits to her family and extended family holidays and probably felt really awkward when the OP kept grilling him in front of her family rather than thinking "he's obviously got another commitment he doesn't want to discuss in front of everyone I will ask him later when we are alone" The OP decided to ask him again in front of the children in the car knowing it was something he didn't want to discuss in public. He could have said "I'll tell you later when the children are in bed" but would the OP have let that settle or kept on at him in front of the children?

MatildaTheCat · 20/03/2025 17:48

Well now he’s screamed out the secret in front of the children it seems quite likely the MIL will be finding out sooner rather than later.

All most odd but you know that already.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 20/03/2025 17:49

He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them.
That is quite a lot, but not abnormally so for close families

I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.
I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough.
So he doesn't pressure you to see his family, but you pressure him to see yours. That is unreasonable of you. You should just accept it if he doesn't want to see your family.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet [your sister and BIL] at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.
Why would you keep asking him in front of your sister and BIL? That was very insensitive of you. You should have accepted his first answer, with a mental note to yourself to discuss it with him in private later.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm
With hindsight it was not the best idea to bring it up in front of the kids, but you weren't to know he was going to explode.

and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids
Totally out of order. No matter how frustrated or fed up he was, there is absolutely no excuse for doing this, let alone in front of the children

he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!
I am not invited (neither are the other partners).
There is no issue with you not being invited. That is entirely his sister's choice (along with her fiancé).
There was no need to call your family freaks. He needs to explain and apologise to you for doing this.

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,
But you don't go and see them. Do you simply mean that you haven't fallen out with them? It is surprising not to be invited to a wedding as a couple, as it is not the norm, but something you just have to accept and not take personally.

I was crying my eyes out
A bit of an overreaction on your part to his shouting, but I can understand being upset at the shock of his behaviour. No need to cry over the wedding.

he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.
Totally out of order of him to expect his children to keep family secrets. He should have said to you that he would discuss it with you later without the children present.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!
You don't need any explanation about the wedding - not your business. Just accept it and don't take it personally.

You do need an apology for him shouting, but you have to accept your part in pushing him in front of your DS and BIL which would have stressed him.

sandyhappypeople · 20/03/2025 17:50

Was he not going to tell you?

Why doesn't his mum know yet?

Gravytanned · 20/03/2025 17:50

I really don’t understand why the focus here is the wedding. If no partners are invited then unusual but fair enough. They clearly want a tiny wedding. He should have told you!

I also don’t think he should always need to go with you to visit family but he should make the effort sometimes.

His behaviour is disgusting though and I’d be seriously questioning the future of the relationship.

Msmoonpie · 20/03/2025 17:51

I would never ever tolerate that behaviour from a husband. Especially if he said that about my family.

The SIL isn’t the issue here.

SunnyViper · 20/03/2025 17:51

Your DH is an utter disgrace. Why are you with him?

Redfred00 · 20/03/2025 17:56

What a wanker.

Plmii · 20/03/2025 17:57

I find it very hard to believe that yours is a good man.
He is an abusive arsehole and I cannot imagine the shock and trauma he has inflicted on your poor children.
Absolutely toxic.

Delphiniumandlupins · 20/03/2025 17:59

DH is wrong to scream in your face. DH is wrong to scream at you in front of your DC. DH was wrong to not discuss privately with you why he doesn't want to spend time with your family.

You don't need to be invited to his sister's wedding, particularly if other siblings' partners are not attending. It's odd the bride's mother doesn't know about the wedding. If your DH had told you about the wedding sooner, he could have avoided all this drama and trying to make his DC keep a secret from their grandma. He knows he's in the wrong - he should apologise to you. Keep your distance from his family and enjoy time away with your sister and BiL.

GabriellaMontez · 20/03/2025 17:59

He screamed in your face.

How do you feel about that?

All the stuff about weddings pales into insignificance next to this.

Ohthatsabitshit · 20/03/2025 18:00

What a very strange man. Why did he have to shout at you and be rude about your family? Tell your son to stop using the word freak. Tell your husband never to shouts at you like that again and that you will refrain from telling him what you think if his family if he will have the courtesy to stop being abominably rude about yours. Book a very expensive weekend away with the children for secret-not-secret wedding weekend.

What a dick.

Inertia · 20/03/2025 18:00

It’s up to your SIL what she does for her wedding. Thats not the problem.

Your problem is that your husband lies to you, then screams abuse at you in front of your children when you challenge him.

YourWildAmberSloth · 20/03/2025 18:00

The wedding is the least of your problems. Husband screaming in your face and saying what he said, is the issue. I would deal with that and forget the wedding.

Delphiniumandlupins · 20/03/2025 18:01

EuclidianGeometryFan · 20/03/2025 17:49

He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them.
That is quite a lot, but not abnormally so for close families

I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.
I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough.
So he doesn't pressure you to see his family, but you pressure him to see yours. That is unreasonable of you. You should just accept it if he doesn't want to see your family.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet [your sister and BIL] at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.
Why would you keep asking him in front of your sister and BIL? That was very insensitive of you. You should have accepted his first answer, with a mental note to yourself to discuss it with him in private later.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm
With hindsight it was not the best idea to bring it up in front of the kids, but you weren't to know he was going to explode.

and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids
Totally out of order. No matter how frustrated or fed up he was, there is absolutely no excuse for doing this, let alone in front of the children

he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!
I am not invited (neither are the other partners).
There is no issue with you not being invited. That is entirely his sister's choice (along with her fiancé).
There was no need to call your family freaks. He needs to explain and apologise to you for doing this.

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,
But you don't go and see them. Do you simply mean that you haven't fallen out with them? It is surprising not to be invited to a wedding as a couple, as it is not the norm, but something you just have to accept and not take personally.

I was crying my eyes out
A bit of an overreaction on your part to his shouting, but I can understand being upset at the shock of his behaviour. No need to cry over the wedding.

he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.
Totally out of order of him to expect his children to keep family secrets. He should have said to you that he would discuss it with you later without the children present.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!
You don't need any explanation about the wedding - not your business. Just accept it and don't take it personally.

You do need an apology for him shouting, but you have to accept your part in pushing him in front of your DS and BIL which would have stressed him.

Covered everything nicely

Lyra87 · 20/03/2025 18:02

The bigger issue here is your DH's response. Screaming at you like that, in front of your children, is not okay. At all.

He clearly doesn't like being forced to spend so much time with your family. Maybe you need to let him opt out sometimes.

If SIL hasn't invited any partners then I wouldn't take it personally and wouldn't be too upset.

ScribblingPixie · 20/03/2025 18:02

Surprised people are saying the SIL's wedding arrangements are fine - inviting your siblings but telling them they can't tell their own mother (or their own partners?) seems remarkably self-absorbed - have they not thought about how this will affect them?

KnickerFolder · 20/03/2025 18:03

If you don’t have a close relationship with your SIL, fair enough that she didn’t invite you to her small wedding.

Absolutely disgusting abusive behaviour from your husband. Your thread title should be “Husband screamed in my face”.

Thatsenoughadulting · 20/03/2025 18:04

HisNibs · 20/03/2025 17:46

He sounds bloody awful OP. Just out of curiosity, at what point in time was he planning on telling you anyway? I'm going to guess that he hadn't just found out in the course of the visit with your family on Sunday. Why was he concealing the wedding until you essentially forced him to tell you? Does he do any other similar stupid tricks like this?

And was obviously just taking it for granted his wife would be available for childcare.

diddl · 20/03/2025 18:05

Biggest thing-he screamed at you & in front of the kids.

Why not just tell you it was a no partners wedding?

Why do you make him see your family?

xxRunnergirlxx · 20/03/2025 18:07

Your husband is the problem here. He should not speak to you like this.

Qmalrg · 20/03/2025 18:08

He thinks your family are freaks? Seems that they invited you on a nice little holiday. Whereas his family seem to think that a wedding is a secret from your own mum and you don’t invite your brother’s wife. To say nothing of the shouting in your face. It’s pretty clear which family are freaks here. His. And him.

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