Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

Your husband shouldn’t be keeping secrets from you. He should have said my sister is getting married. They are keeping it super small and it’s just me going on this date.

But would OP have accepted that?

Based on the repeatedly asking him why he's not available, repeatedly asking what to say to his sister, being upset enough to make this post, titling it not invited to SILs wedding, AND wanting an explanation still, I'd guess not

This

He has no respect for you, so that’s why his family doesn’t respect you.

ok shouting in your face is not acceptable however same situ with my OH and his family , absolutely despise his family for so so many reasons ( all fair and valid for how we’ve been treated over the years ) OH visits my family with me now and again and also goes to pick our son up from then on the rare occasion without me and gets on well with them , however I refuse to visit his family because of the way me and children have been treated and OH never supporting me over it so shot himself in the foot there as won’t put myself and children in toxic environments where we are outnumbered with no support so I can see both sides but honestly if he really doesn’t want to see your family just go with it he’s an adult and his choice after all! SIL wedding all sounds a bit weird tbh , honestly who does that ?! I will say one thing , remember you don’t live with his family neither are you in a relationship with them so always remember that , and remember it’s not worth things getting so out of hand and bad things being said that can’t be taken back as your setting outside influences interfere in your relationship xx

FFS!!!

I think you should consider suggesting you go together to counselling given the outburst he had. Did he apologise to the kids too, and say he should never have behaved like that? I hope so! If I were you I would be going on the family holiday with the kids and not calling him while he’s at the wedding.

you need to think about how much you really expect of him to hang out with your family, how much you expect him to bring you in to his family, and say I don’t really support you making our kids part of your family and not me. I won’t be inviting them to many of our family things, you’ve made it clear they aren’t my family and as such they don’t belong in our family, whether or not they are your family. You’ve chosen to have separate families and told our kids to lie and screamed in my face. But also he shouldn’t have to hang out regularly with a brother in law who bores him. I don’t quite know where I sit overall- in your shoes I would think it deal breaker if the kids were invited to the wedding and not you, or the other partners and not you, but it doesn’t sound like that.

The screaming in your face is completely unacceptable, I would not stand for that.
The wedding invite, or lack of, is so-so. No other partners are being invited so it's not personal, sounds like a small wedding? Weird that his mum doesn't know....

Agree, except for the mum aspect. I know f quite a few people over the last two decades that have had ‘secret’ weddings. If more formal and at a venue they will do it under the guise of bride/grooms milestone birthday or some other cover. There will be a minimal couple of people each side who know who will try and get everyone there by various means (like, people who may say yes to a wedding but no to a birthday, they’ll try and persuade them to attend the ‘birthday’). Means not only venue/catering/extras cheaper as venues etc put premium on anything wedding related but also no fuss over presents, the wishing well crap etc. In my experience people think it a nice idea for parents and siblings to get a big surprise also!

Zero issue with OP not being invited, they are not being singled out, no partners are invited. Shame it came out in front of the kids to have to get them to keep it a secret though!

The big issue is him yelling in OP’s face, that’s not on at all. Seems like a fair bit of badgering in OP’s behalf though that led to it, particularly if he was trapped in a car while being badgered, but still no excuse.

@Unlisted just a heads up that MN have put your thread on social media. If you feel it's identifying you may want to take it down.

Not the point of the thread but it’s not your business.

Am I the only one who thinks all this talk of “secrets” and “lies” is overblown?

His family told him something and asked him to keep it quiet. I think it’s fair that he kept their confidence and perhaps the fact that he didn’t tell the OP suggests that she wouldn’t have been trusted to keep this to herself.

If somebody tells me something and asks me not to share it with others, I don’t.

My own family are incredibly overbearing and they gossip with each other about everything. They overshare and if you tell them something and ask that they keep it to themselves, you can bet your house they’ll have phoned around each other and spread the news at their first opportunity. They’ll then pretend they don’t know but drop hints to make it clear they do know. It is incredibly disrespectful. They are nosey, they get far too involved, they demand to know every last little detail and life is so, so much easier when you keep them at arms length and don’t tell them things they don’t need to know.

A lot of people don’t appreciate this and think it’s weird, but it’s the only way to deal with them. I have one relative who kept a relationship secret for two years because it’s the only tolerable option.

The point is that each family has their own dynamic and this needs to be respected.

Calling someone else’s family “freaks” is not acceptable. But from what you’ve said it sounds like he doesn’t feel too close to your family but you’re pushing things too much. Raising his voice is also unpleasant, but I suppose whether acceptable or not will depend on how aggressive he was. We all raise our voices from time to time and we’re all allowed to be frustrated.

Your children will not be “traumatised” by seeing their parents row, like a previous poster suggested.

Raising his voice is also unpleasant, but I suppose whether acceptable or not will depend on how aggressive he was

screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding

I'd say that was pretty aggressive.

No no no to making kids differentiate between good and bad secrets. It makes me wonder which secrets he makes the kids keep. Op, this might sound ludicrous, but are you 100% sure your husband is actually visiting his family during the week? It all sounds so weird and secretive, are you sure he’s not having an affair?

Aside from that, his behaviour really is not ok. You say he is truely lovely, but I think you need to have a long hard look at your relationship. I believe you that he has never reacted in such a ln aggressive way before. But it’s very clear from your post that you don’t communicate properly and that both of you don’t find the other person’s feelings very important. You both prioritise spending time with other people over your partner’s feelings. He keeps secrets- so what other secrets has he been keeping? Affairs? Mental health? Addiction? Gambling? Something else which could affect his behaviour so badly?

I would add, repeatedly forcing family tme on her husband, who evidently is not keen on BIL as a close friend, holidaying together etc etc. I think she has expectations of closeness across the two families that are not realistic, and this is perhaps frustrating and angering him.

My first thought is this. There is a lot your husband doesn't tell you. He didn't trust you with this information on his sister's wedding and I suspect he thought you'd make a fuss about not being invited which is why he wanted it to be on a "need to know" basis. He has a low opinion of your family. He sees himself and his family as superior. I don't know what you do from here, but that level of arrogance and disrespect is a huge red flag. The screaming is also horrible of course but it's the receipt behind it and they screaming obviously means he thinks he is 100% in the right about it all.

You are focusing on completely the wrong thing.

The wedding is completely your sils choice, a small wedding (i'm assuming small in this instance means registry office with really very few people) without any of the partners is entirely her choice and says nothing about you.

That your partner kept it from you, screamed in your face and insulted your family is the problem here. Although the fact you're reacting as you are to not being invited may explain why he kept it from you (or are you just focusing on his sister's wedding because you can't bring yourself to face how bad your husband's behaviour was?), it does not excuse his subsequent behaviour and I would really struggle to move past someone screaming in my face.

Your entire husbands family are nutjobs. I am so sorry!

I also have to agree with PPs that this is on your husband not your SIL. Again, her wedding, her choice.

Looking at the bigger picture I would be bringing the kids to see your family more and I'd be wary of the way he gatekeeps his family (bringing the kids there several times a week without you is just odd).

And sadly there always seems to be children living in the hellhole

He definitely should not have screamed in your face that is awful

But you were goading him and pestering him and wanting reasons. You force him to travel and be with your family often yet don't bother to see his and just use them to watch your kids

I can see why he's a bit upset.

Not upset enough to shout in your face but I'd be pretty annoyed if my husband never bothered with my family then sulked when something didn't go his way

This^

I apologise if I'm getting the wrong impression, but the way you described the family interaction, it sounds like your DH doesn't really like hanging out with your family but he bears with it for your sake, while you are highly eager to meet up with your family and don't really give him a choice to say No. You "make him" see your family.

I think he screamed at you because you were nagging him. You found it "embarrassing" to tell your family that your DH was not going to the next meet-up.

Not saying your DH was right to yell at you but, just like you are giving him no choice in these matters, he likely felt like he had no choice but to explode at you after what sounds to me like non-stop browbeating from you. You want answers. You want explanations. You want ... you want ...

The two of you should sit down and set some boundaries. It may be time for you to consider what your DH wants and not just what you want.

Why thou? It's perfectly reasonable to expect your husband to attend some family get togethers (unless there's some abuse issue )and actually i think its the husband that needs to 'just accept' he should make effort , im not saying he needs to go all the time or every bloody day but it's not reasonable to go to your own mums 2 or 3 times a week but ignore your inlaws. Make some effort, you're all family for crying out loud.

This was my reaction.

Theres nothing wrong with you not being invited to his DSis wedding, that’s completely her choice.

His screaming at your face is a massive problem! Why couldn’t he just tell you? Did he think you would react badly, so just avoided the conversation until you wore him down?