DO I SAY SOMETHING? I don’t think I can let this one go - want to keep the peace for my mums sake

[howtosupport90]

I visited my mum today. Mum lives with my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was a teenager. We used to be so close, but in the past few years he’s become very grumpy, I have to make small talk and he never asks how I am etc when I am there to pick my son up etc. there are a few comments he’s made where I’ve bitten my tongue as I don’t want to make a scene or don’t know how to respond in front of my son.

well today, I wanted to take my new baby round (3 weeks old). He was out when I got there but came home as we were having lunch. Baby was sleeping on the sofa, he didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledged the baby despite walking past the sofa about 4 times. My mum then went to tidy up and so I tried to make small talk, asking how he was. About 20 minutes later I went and sat with my baby and he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’. No congratulations, no how are you, no nothing. I responded by just saying I’m not and that I’ve got a dr appointment to talk about contraception, but that was it.

I left 1/2 hour later and I just feel like it’s really got to me. He didn’t even acknowledge the baby, look at her or ask anything about how I am. I’m sad it’s come to this, but I really don’t think I can not say anything. It’s so awkward when I’m round there and this has made me realise that clearly he either doesn’t care or I’ve done something to upset him.

i did ask my mum about 2 years ago if I had upset him and she said no, he’s just tired, but he will happily talk about windfarms and cars, but will NEVER ask how I am!

would you let it go, or say something? I want to message him, but I don’t want to upset my mum or put her in a difficult situation, as I can see that she clearly feels awkward too when he’s shitty with me. I don’t like confrontation so that’s why I didn’t say anything when I’m there, but it isn’t going to get any better unless o say how I feel is it?!

Early onset dementia?

I’d message her and just say - I’d like all our future meet ups/any grandchild visits to be done at my house, without step father. I am not willing to put up with the way he treats me any more.

The underlying point is that he is being a total bastard to you - you need to take action to limit this. The reason for his behaviour is irrelevant. You just need to insulate yourself from it.

It really depends on your relationship with him. If it were me, I’d challenge it directly via humour, e.g. “Good to see you too, Alan, I’m very well, thanks”. Or “You don’t approve of me having babies then, Alan”. Or even “Don’t be too overenthusiastic about the baby”.

I’d also speak to my mum about it and say how rude I find it that he never asks how I am or shows any interest in the kids. I’d ask if he feels I’ve done something to upset him or if he’s feeling OK, as he always seems so disinterested.

Other than that, I wouldn’t take it personally. There may be something making him negative and self-absorbed that neither of them want to share with you, e.g. depression or physical diagnosis, problems in their relationship or money worries.

As long as I’m not the cause of the grumpiness, I’d just ignore it.

I’d just not look for or expect anything from him. Get on with your and your kids’ relationship with your mum, be civil and otherwise don’t worry about it.

I’d tell your mum you feel very unwelcome because of his attitude, then suggest going to soft play or out for a coffee instead. He might realise what he’s missing . If they are only looking after your son twice a month I think he was out of order commenting on potential future pregnancies . Can your mum come visit you ?

If you're upset, why don't you talk to him about it? Something along the lines of "I've noticed you've been quite grumpy towards me for some time. You didn't even acknowledge my new baby and [insert other examples]. I'm bringing it up because it's really upsetting me. Have I offended you in some way? I'd like to solve this, because I'm uncomfortable with the way things are."

At the very least, he'll be put on notice that you're not going to ignore his behaviour.

If you're a single parent, do you think it's because of that? If you are, your mum might have expressed quite a lot of worry to him, which will be impacting their life together.

Regardless, it's your body, your choice, and he has no business behaving badly to you because of your own reproductive decisions.

I would discuss his behaviour with him, but I wouldn't hold out hope that it will be fixed, because he sounds awful. I'd do it mostly with the intention of letting him know that his behaviour is not going to go unremarked-upon.

And if he does say that it's because you're a single parent, you're going to have to remind him that you're an adult and that your reproductive decisions are your business.

EDIT: Sorry OP just seen that you are married. Well, in that case, I can't see any other reason for his behaviour except jealousy, since he doesn't see his bio grandchild. He's entitled to his feelings, but he's not entitled to take them out on you. He either packs it in or you see your mother alone. That's how I'd handle it. A talk, directly, face to face (no need to be confrontational), then if no improvement, see him as little as possible, without causing an out and out estrangement. It's unacceptable for an adult family member to be this rude to another adult family member. There's one or two family members of mine that I'm not in touch with due to their rudeness. They don't get a free pass because they're family, imo.

You and your mum sound great. You mentioned his own grandchild. How old? Could you invite them and their parents with your mum and grumpy pants round to your house at Easter for some fun together?

I think you need to stop going to your mum's house. Have her over at yours. Invite her. He won't come. See her just as much as you ever have, but in your home. And tell her why. When she does childcare, have her do it at yours.

A good maybe conversation starter “Dad, you seemed unhappy/quiet/pre-occupied today. Is everything ok?”

Get him talking instead of you writing loads.

This is a strange one, especially as you say you used to be close. But it sounds like the awkwardness predates the baby. My thoughts would be that there might be something going on with him your mum hasn't told you about. A health issue or a depression or something.

Alternatively . . . how is your relationship with your husband? If it's bad, and there's been a lot of ups and downs and "maybe I'll leave him - oh, wait, I'm pregnant, I won't" - that you've told your mum about, that would explain your step-dad being awkward about the baby.

Thisss
Can people stop digging on people's previous posts and trying to trip them up. People are doing this this on loads of threads as some kind of gotcha. It's well known and accepted that people change minor details to make posts less identifiable.

Can I ask a personal question? Given that it appears step dad is a GBeebies follower, are you and your partner of the same ethnic background? I'm just wondering if that is having some bearing on how he feels about the grandchildren? I might be totally barking up the wrong tree but is he perhaps becoming more indoctrinated as he gets older?

Talk about jumping to conclusions! The OP hasn't said anything in her initial post to indicate that she's a single mother or that she's always round at her Mum's.

Go where you’re celebrated not where you’re tolerated ( especially when it seems that you are barely tolerated).

A friend of my husband completely ignored our new baby when he came to our house, I was so upset and he was only an acquaintance. He was quickly an ex-friend.

Are you struggling? Mentally? Financially? Is your relationship with your children’s father stable?

Could your Mother be worried about you? Has she been sharing these worries with your step-dad?

I was going to ask this, if he has grandchildren of his own. He probably is jealous and feeling territorial and like your kids are closer to your mum than his grandkids are to him

I think the part of the post that stood out for me was where he felt it would be okay to comment upon you having more children or not.
He sounds like a prick.

He sounds like my husband. With new nieces, nephews, He will literally look in the pram say 'very nice ' (?) and that's it. Just not interested in babies.
But if you had a yacht.....He is 70 now so won't be changing any time soon. He's just a moaning old git 🤣

Almost like he's decided that a) he and his wife are old b) they've done their "time" with family stuff and c) he likes his routine and his control

Yeah, that was my impression too.

He doesn't want this in his house and life, he heavily resets it.

He's probably someone who thinks the grandparent should see their grandkids sometimes but not look after them for hours regularly.

He will literally look in the pram say 'very nice ' (?) and that's it

That's quite positive compared to not acknowledging their existence followed by a verbal attack on the mother about her having any more and chiding her about contraception.

So he has his family around, but doesn’t ever see his grandchildren?

Honestly I’d be wary of saying too much as it may affect your mum in case he puts pressure on her to stop seeing you. Good luck it’s never easy dealing with a grumpy man.

Talk to yur mum in person and make plans to see her out and about. She obviously knows he's behaving like this and is choosing to accept it, so in all honesty, no, I don't think it's worth speaking to him because it will just make things awkward.

Some men do just get more self centred as they age. And if he's doing it deliberately to you, well, I took the view a long time ago that if a man isn't going to tell.me what's wrong then I'm certainly not going to pussyfoot around him or try to dragnet out of him so that I can promise making changes to make things better. Let the codger sulk and get on with your life without him. Pretending you haven't noticed their problem takes their power away.

Morning all

ive drafted the below message, how does this sound?

Hi NAME, I really appreciated mum inviting me over yesterday and I had a nice time. I have noticed you've been somewhat distant towards me for some time and I am concerned I may have upset you in some way. I hope I haven’t, but yesterday really upsetting me as you didn’t seem interested at all or even ask how I was, despite me having the baby with me. I’d really like to make sure we have a good relationship moving forward and I’d be very happy to meet for a coffee if I have done something to upset you so we can talk about it, because at present I feel somewhat uncomfortable with the way things are when I come over. I hope you have a nice day.

Thank you @ThisFluentBiscuit i took your wording and re-worded it slightly