DO I SAY SOMETHING? I don’t think I can let this one go - want to keep the peace for my mums sake

[howtosupport90]

I visited my mum today. Mum lives with my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was a teenager. We used to be so close, but in the past few years he’s become very grumpy, I have to make small talk and he never asks how I am etc when I am there to pick my son up etc. there are a few comments he’s made where I’ve bitten my tongue as I don’t want to make a scene or don’t know how to respond in front of my son.

well today, I wanted to take my new baby round (3 weeks old). He was out when I got there but came home as we were having lunch. Baby was sleeping on the sofa, he didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledged the baby despite walking past the sofa about 4 times. My mum then went to tidy up and so I tried to make small talk, asking how he was. About 20 minutes later I went and sat with my baby and he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’. No congratulations, no how are you, no nothing. I responded by just saying I’m not and that I’ve got a dr appointment to talk about contraception, but that was it.

I left 1/2 hour later and I just feel like it’s really got to me. He didn’t even acknowledge the baby, look at her or ask anything about how I am. I’m sad it’s come to this, but I really don’t think I can not say anything. It’s so awkward when I’m round there and this has made me realise that clearly he either doesn’t care or I’ve done something to upset him.

i did ask my mum about 2 years ago if I had upset him and she said no, he’s just tired, but he will happily talk about windfarms and cars, but will NEVER ask how I am!

would you let it go, or say something? I want to message him, but I don’t want to upset my mum or put her in a difficult situation, as I can see that she clearly feels awkward too when he’s shitty with me. I don’t like confrontation so that’s why I didn’t say anything when I’m there, but it isn’t going to get any better unless o say how I feel is it?!

@sandyhappypeople thank you, yes I think you’re right. I think I will text my mum thanking her for today and then say I was upset by my step dad and then message him directly, as I’m not convinced she will even say anything to him if I just message her

If you used to be really close then something has obviously upset him. You need to talk to him and ask what it is.

Op why doesn’t he see his own grandchildren?

The advice to pander to this dickhead is terrible. Don't do it op - just stay out of the dickheads way, trust me - he's jealous and nasty.

What the fuck type of person ignores the brand new baby of his partners dd? An extremely horrible one, that's who.

Dont tie yourself in knots trying to work out if you're the problem - you're not, he is - I guarantee he resents the time your dm spends with you and your dc's.

Been there, seen that.

Probably bc he's a nasty twat to them too.

Well hence me asking

I think there may be a bit of jealously as he doesn’t see his grandchild,

Whats the story here?

You have to do what you feel is right, but in my experience confronting miserable people like this never ends well, and often leads to even more awkwardness and unpleasantness. I hope for your sake he is receptive though!

Comments like this always amaze me. As if someone is going to put all the correct details of their lives on here, some will, lots don't. People change details all the time, I do too. It's not a 'gotcha'.

I think you're right, if she was going to say anything to him or intervene she would have done already, or maybe she already has and he's refused to budge on whatever this issue is, so it's a bone of contention between them that she is trying to gloss over for your sake, it's hard to know what's going on behind closed doors in fairness.

But, if it is got so bad that he is purposely making you uncomfortable every time you visit then it's got to a point where keeping quiet about it isn't doing anyone any good.

I had to put up with this sort of thing as a child, with a step mother who didn't want me around, she treated me very much like your SD, but she stopped short of being insulting or mean, so your post resonates with me so much, I spent most of my childhood feeling guilty and thinking I did something wrong to deserve it or maybe I was a bad person.. I'd never tolerate it now (I wish I hadn't then!) but I certainly wouldn't want my kids to be around anyone who didn't want them to be there.

You - I was a bit surprised at something you said the other day, and I wanted to talk to you about it. I would love to come away from this conversation on a happier footing. Can we chat about it? (Don't say you were hurt by it, because if he intended it to be hurtful, then you are giving him what he wants).
Him - Oh, what was that.
You - when you asked whether I was taking steps to not have another child. Why did you ask me that?
Him - [let him give his explanation. If he said that he was just looking out for you or something like that, follow up with]
You - It's a very personal question, which I answered at the time as I think I was so surprised that the question was so direct. In hindsight, I don't think I should have answered, as to be honest I don't think we have that kind of close relationship anymore. You haven't taken an interest in me, on my children, in a long time.
Him - [some kind of defensive comment, you are being unfair, I don't know where you're coming from at all here, you're clearly emotional having just had a baby etc etc]
You - take a long breath, don't rise to anything he is saying. Take at least a five to ten second pause. Well, that's not the way I have experienced our relationship lately. I would love for us to get on a happier footing, but I'm not quite sure how to do that. In the meantime I don't feel very comfortable here. I've spoken to Mum, and for the next while she is going to come and mind DC in my house/we'll meet somewhere else for lunch. I know this is a difficult conversation, so perhaps we should just leave it there. I'd love to talk again though and maybe we could think about how to improve things.

That leaves the ball entirely in his court.

Do you know if your mum is telling him that she is asking to take care of the kids? Or is she saying "I feel I have to offer"

Yes, lets all pander to the grumpy old man who makes people feel uncomfortable and not welcome.

He has been in your life since you were a teen. He didn't bring you up and he is not your dad. His comments about you getting pregnant again are totally INAPPROPRIATE and SEEDY.

I would stop pandering to him. Do not message him. Let the grumpy, miserable shit just stew in his own stench.

Tell your mum that from now on she can come to your house and see your DC, or you can meet outside as you are clearly not welcome and you feel uncomfortable and upset with the way he treats you. Then let your mum pull him up on his shitty behaviour and kick him up the arse.

You are a new mum. Since when is it OK for you to be upset and not OK because your step dad is Victor Meldrew? Don't worry about upsetting your mum. She is partly to blame for letting her partner make her DD upset. She is the one who has inflicted him on you.

🙄You and your sweeping assumptions again? Do you ever say anything constructive on here?

People like having a go and finding you at fault, ignore it. I have my GS 2 days a week, I am sad at the thought of him going to school as I love my days with him. Your mum is probably the same.

There's a difference between excuses and reasons/explanations.

OP has clarified no dementia that she knows of, and that he's different with other people, but before I read the rest of her posts I was going to ask if it was a possibility for the simple reason that some people do become more selfish with dementia. My DM has Alzheimer's and has sadly become utterly self-centred and literally never asks me anything about my life or how I am. (She's the same with everybody else, though.) Sometimes this can be a dementia thing, and it's not unreasonable (or 'desperate') to wonder about it as a possible cause.

I'm not sure I'd message him regarding how you feel. A face to face chat asking him outright if there is anything wrong would imo be far more appropriate. He may say of course not your just imagining things then you could go on to give examples. I'd also ask him if you've done anything to upset him & if you have you are unaware of what it could be etc etc & take it from there.

This. He won't react well to any direct questions, and the suggestions about smiling and buying him presents are just bizarre attempts at appeasement. If you go there, don't bother with small talk. Just speak to your mum. And it's also a good suggestion of saying to her 'look, from now on, come and see the baby at mine. I'm tired of being glowered at by stepdad so I'd rather not come round to you'

My husbands stepdad changed like a this though not as extreme in recent years, he's been his dad essentially since he was ten or something, its bizarre and my husband hasn't been able to male sense of it! Almost like he's decided that a) he and his wife are old b) they've done their "time" with family stuff and c) he likes his routine and his control. Sounds similar though yours was downright rude, what a strange thing not to congratulate you and be so dismissive of a huge life event and new member of the family!

I wouldn't message him. Its easy to take things the wrong way. If you live close I'd ask him to pop round for a chat or see if you can find a way to see him on his own. Tell him you used to be close, you always thought he was a good step dad and that you cared about each other so you were a bit surprised that he wasn't interested in his new grandchild or , if he isn't a baby person, then at least interested in you and how you're recovering, or offering congratulations etc. Say it feels like he is upset with you and you'd like to sort it out. Ask him what he thinks.

I predict he will say you're hormonal or over emotional and imagining the whole thing. But at least you'll have tried for your mum's sake. And then next time he acts like that you'll be a bit more prepared and can ignore / call out his shitty comments

After reading your comments it sounds bizarre, it’s something you’d expect a dad to say if you had kids with different fathers and things were going badly so he’s concerned that you shouldn’t have another but that clearly isn’t the case at all unless you’ve been moaning to your mum about your husband? If not I’d outright ask him, I don’t think I could ignore it if it were me…….

He sounds self centred. If you were regularly leaving children with your Mum then he would be irritated by them which would be understandable and they would need a break. Her attention is on your children and their needs and he is wanting all her attention so he undermines you. He probably moans about your visits and your Mum keeping the peace by not telling you. Meet your Mum and insist taking your Mum elsewhere for meet ups. Any more horrible remarks remember there are great nursing homes you have noticed recently 😂

And tell him about those great homes

Just coming at this from a different angle as you used to be close to SD when younger.

Do you think he expected or hoped for a different future for you? Obviously your life is your choice but him stating you shouldn't have more children right now implies he disagrees with it. Does he like your partner and think he helps you enough with the children you have?

Could your mother be confiding in him, like any complaints you've made about life being hard, balancing three children and home demands? So he feels like that's enough on your plate and he makes his contraception comment.

Could he be worrying about you providing for your family now and in the future and trying to say don't over extend yourself financially in a really poor way?

Does he feel shunned or excluded in some way..did he feel he should have been a godparent or your children aren't being brought up how he thinks is the correct way..behaviour, home routines, religious beliefs.

It doesn't make it right or acceptable but he may not want to voice his actual opinion and is just giving off a stand offish, angry vibe instead. It's a shame your mother can't get through to him and get him to cut it out.

Or could they be having trouble in their relationship and he is excluding you to get back at her?

I have not read all the post - my first thought is does he have early signs of dementia. I thought this because you were previously close and he behaviour has changed. Or possibly depression.