How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

God it’s a hard one op, I was going to say you both see your own mums but yes you having the dc with your mum means your mil doesn’t see her gcs which I think are a huge part of Mother’s Day (it’s really a kid’s holiday). I think if it means a lot to people you should go with it but it means a lot to you too so it’s difficult (dh is away for a week over Mother’s Day this year so I’ll be buying stuff with the kids for me and dragging them to both grannies with flowers and balloons and now I say that I can’t wait!!!)

It’s not my way or the highway at all.

It is as far as she is concerned, she's gone from seeing her son every mothers day to not be allowed last year, and this year only your mum is allowed to spend time with you and your child.. you have a choice obviously and should be able to spend the day as you like, but can you not see why she wouldn't take that personally?

Saying that though, I'm sorry, reading something a PP said, I've just had a read through your previous posts, it sounds like she has been pushing boundaries with you for years but you've never ever once pushed back? Why not? Why blame your DH for not standing up to her when she has been so disrespectful to your face and you've just sat there passively and silently, or god forbid actually waited on her hand and foot.. good god, why woman?? I can't believe what I'm reading.

I honestly think you need to get to the bottom of why you do that, as that behaviour will carry on with your children (and obviously has with DH other children) are you going to passively sit there while she makes comments that make them feel horrible too.. what will it take for you to stand up for them and shut it down?? Stop blaming your husband, stop being a fucking doormat and get your point across, you don't need to lose your temper, she just needs to know that if she is behaving awfully then she is not welcome, making up silly reasons like this why you can't spend time with her is utterly pointless, all that does is cause drama, if you can't stand to be around her she needs to know why, then it is up to her if she changes her attitude or not, ball will be in her court.

The problem you have posted about is not the real problem at all, and mentioning dementia is actually very misleading to be honest, if she's always been like this it isn't a sudden personality change at all.

I’m with you on this one.

We are 7 years in, 1 married and no kids yet but I’m already sowing the seeds to my husband that Mother’s Day is my day and my choice when we have children, which is clearly what you’ve done only once you’ve had kids! I also love my MIL but compromise too much for holidays too!

I have two siblings with two kids each who both have in-laws that live hours away from them, so for big occasions they alternate who they visit. We live close to both parents so unlike my siblings, we don’t HAVE to pick one and can technically split all big holidays and drive from one to another. (A pain on most occasions where there’s one “big lunch” usually involved!)

I end up barely seeing my parents on most big occasions because the logic is that if my siblings are “splitting” between in-laws and my parents, there’s usually at least my brother or sister and their kids at my parents house so they have some company.

My SIL lives 10 mins walk from my in-laws (in the same town) and uses them frequently for child care etc (never her own in-laws) but with big holidays refuses to put them first or change how she works. I respect her for it in all honesty!

For example, my in-laws (it doesn’t help that they aren’t keen on big gatherings with other families than their two children… so my
parents and their daughters in laws, they’d rather not have to see) are invited to her house for Christmas Day but her husbands parents and brother (plus his kids) are also invited. They will all sleep at her house and to an extent, there’s physically no room for an extra two at her table so it’s an empty gesture inviting them despite all they do for her. (They do however choose to say no and don’t like to socialise!) This means on Christmas Day, my DHs parents go to her house just for the morning to watch presents be opened. then go sit at home. This then means that my husband, for many years, sits pining that his parents are alone and my parents “have people there” (eg one of my siblings) so we should go see his parents. This means I’ve had Christmas lunch ONCE at my parents in 7 years and that was early on and I was there by myself as he refused to not be with his parents, as that was the first year his sister said she was staying at her own house and they refused to join her.

We already have the same negotiation with Mothers Day coming up and as my sister is seeing my mum at 3pm for lunch (we’re invited) and it would make it hard to see his mum (no idea what his sister is doing or if she’s spoken to her mother about Mother’s Day!) I’ve taken the decision to book the four of us for lunch at a place she likes. I’ve also told her it’s me that’s booked it and I’m looking forward to seeing her - I will be pointing out these gestures and my constant compromising when we have our own kids.

I feel like your post is looking into my future so please stand your ground and don’t give into huffy MIL! I’ve got all this to come 😭😭

If you have a relationship with your mum every day of the year, Mothers Day should be seen as what it is now - a day for commercial organisations to sell tat to people who usually don't engage much but are made to think that a cheap bottle of prosecco makes up for that

I hate MD as it usually consists of me cooking for everybody and their dog and then having to clear it all up afterwards!! All for a bunch of overpriced flowers and chocolates that my youngest has usually started bloody eating before I get a chance to sit down and have one 🤷‍♀️

You may be respectful but you get no respect back from your MIL. Her unkind actions towards you over the years have never had any negative consequences for her, so she won't change her behaviour.

In your previous threads you mentioned that your DH never normally accompanies you to visit your mum (who visits you often and is really helpful) but it is expected that you will always go with your DH when he visits his mum.

You and your mum both sound kind and accommodating but I think you are both getting walked over by your DH and your MIL.

She didn’t see her son every Mother’s Day when he was married previously.

She spends lots of time with my DC. Whenever she likes, we’ve not ever blocked her. She has more of the key dates than anyone else. Because we’ve always given in to her wants. And she spends lots of time with her several other grandchildren.

You mention me sticking up for myself and implementing boundaries. This is what I’m doing. I want to see my own mother for a change, DH can go see his - as I’ve suggested. As many people do.

I do spend time with her. As I’ve mentioned in other responses, I see her 1-3 times a month. We’d see her more, but she’s busy. We see her far more than her eldest child who lives within the same postcode area!

I didn’t push back because it’s his mother. I expected him to handle his own family as I would mine if the roles were reversed. He has spoken to her and she told him that I was probably being overly sensitive because of hormones and that he should get me checked for PND. I learned to ignore her jibes. But for this one particular event, I’d like to see my mum for a change. I’m not stopping her seeing her own children. DH has other children, but she’s fixated on just DC coming.

Given that it’s your DH’s mother who is causing the issue you should tell him to deal with her. You don’t need any stress at this stage of your pregnancy, especially with your previous experience, and she is his mother, not yours.
Maybe he needs to remind her that you are a mother too and it’s not all about her.

In your shoes I think I would get your mum (and your siblings?) to come to you for the day. Maybe do a bring & share so not too much hosting. Or something simple like pizza & salad for lunch. Then your husband can go to his mum, with your kids, in the afternoon. Maybe leaving yours at 3, he’ll be with her for 4. Can have early dinner at her favourite restaurant. Then drive back at 7. Could even take the kids PJs ups with him.

You’ll have had the bulk of the day with your children, mum & husband. But also some rest time from the children, with your mum staying with you as long as you’d like.

I get your Mil would like to she her son and grandchildren, but as adults most of us grow up and learn we can’t get want we want all the time. She is behaving badly. I have 3 kids, of course I’d love to see them on Mother’s Day for the rest of time, but really just a quick phone call would do. And once they have children I absolutely should not the most important mother in their lives. Either they will be or their partners will be.

Your MiL needs to grow up. But your husband needs to stand up to her. If he keeps facilitating her demands she’ll never learn to cope with being disappointed.

Good luck @Chunkychips23 with Mother’s Day, with the rest of your pregnancy, with the birth and with the many more “special days” you’ll need to plan around your mil 🙈🤞🤞

We’ve always done that I go and see my mum and he goes to see his - the children are with me, because obviously it’s Mother’s Day and I’m their mother! 😊

You are a mother with children and have the right to have your children with you on Mother's Day and to spend it as you wish. It's more than fair to MIL for DH to visit her, he is her child.

See I see it as completely the opposite. I see it as a day for me to spoil my mum and recognise her for all that she did for YEARS.

I find it so sad that some people would allow their mum to get to the end of her active parenting years and then not acknowledge their role any more. I find it a bit as if a mother’s usefulness and value runs out the minute she isn’t actively parenting.

Also I see my kids every day so it’s no treat whereas my mum doesn’t see me every day so I kind of think it’s a nice excuse to get together.

finally, my kids aren’t really old enough to do anything special for me off their own back so it would be DH doing it. that would be sweet but to be honest in my head he should be focussed on his own mum, not his wife so I’d hate for him to make it all about me whilst his poor mum gets shoved to the back as not of any immediate use any more. My DH is great and does make sure it’s special for me too but really I think we should be focussed on our mums and hopefully I’m modelling to my kids that I’d like to still be thought of when I’m not actively mothering any more.

I was happy to alternate years, but me depriving my MIL of one of her 9 grandchildren on one Mother’s Day, I’m basically satan 😂

You mention me sticking up for myself and implementing boundaries. This is what I’m doing. I want to see my own mother for a change, DH can go see his - as I’ve suggested. As many people do.

Yes but you aren't implementing any boundaries here, because you are saying it is one thing when it is really another, and ignoring the actual problem (that you don't want to give in and be at MILs beck and call), by avoiding and hiding from the problem completely.

I didn’t push back because it’s his mother. I expected him to handle his own family as I would mine if the roles were reversed. He has spoken to her and she told him that I was probably being overly sensitive because of hormones and that he should get me checked for PND. I learned to ignore her jibes. But for this one particular event, I’d like to see my mum for a change. I’m not stopping her seeing her own children. DH has other children, but she’s fixated on just DC coming.

I wouldn't care if it was the fucking queen, no one comes into my house and disrespects any member of it, he will never handle his family OP, years of growing up with her has made him think her behaviour is perfectly normal, it takes a lot of self reflection (and probably therapy) for him to accept that the person who is supposed to love and care for you unconditionally has a hidden agenda in everything she does, and she cares more about herself and appearances than she ever will about him (and you, and your children).. it's a devastating thing to accept and most people wouldn't believe it even if they are told, he has been well and truly conditioned to be her puppet and it's not his fault, MEANWHILE you are just sat their "ignoring her jibes" and "not pushing back" how can you expect your DH to ever stand up to his mother when he sees you tolerating it and he thinks it is all normal?

Sorry OP but you aren't practicing what you preach, and until you do nothing will ever improve, you could potentially have a more respectful relationship from her, but sitting there like a lemon, or traipsing off to get her tea and biscuits, while she accuses you of starving your baby etc is not how it will happen, you need to be the one that is strong and advocates for your DH and children, he can't see it but you can and you have the power to do something about it, no wonder your mum struggles to keep her mouth shut.

It's never too late to start making changes, I'd say it's time to start afresh with baby number 2, stop avoiding and start tackling head on.

why do you have to have your child with you too? Spending a couple of hours apart from them with your mum child free will not ruin your 'mothers day' and it is a fair compromise that DH gets to spend time with his mum and child together.

Because it's mother's day, and OP is a mother, so she wants to spend mother's day with her child - just like her MIL wants to spend mother's day with her child.

Your MIL is being totally unreasonable and entitled.

Your suggestion means she gets to see her child, you get to see your mother, and you get to see your child too. Any reasonable person should be happy with that plan.

Why does she need to see her grandchild? It's not grandmothers' day?!

Don't entertain any drama from her, just go and see your mum and take your child with you - BECAUSE IT'S MOTHER'S DAY AND YOU'RE HIS MOTHER. FFS.

Any argument and you just scoff and say "why do you need to see my child? You're not his mother are you?!" then laugh and change the subject. Any more attempts to argue and just keep changing the subject.

I would just do a later afternoon tea, tell everyone it's 4pm-6pm or something to keep it short, have all the food pre-made and delivered and your OH put it out buffet style with drink facilities and tell people it's a help yourself buffet because you're pregnant.

If they argue they argue, hopefully it means they won't want to come next year.

Everyone sees their mum. Dh sees his mum and you go to your mum with dc who sees their mum

I think we've moved on quite a bit from here to be fair, turns out the problem with OPs MIL runs a lot deeper than a simple mothers day decision, and has everything to do with her MIL past behaviour and history, OP is perfectly within her rights to not want to spent time with her MIL because of prior treatment, but until she makes it known these sort of dramatics will carry on forever.

But I still don't agree with it as a concept anyway.. it's MOTHER'S day and I am am their MOTHER so no one else is allowed to see them because it is MY day bollocks.. that's no different from OPs MIL demanding the world revolves around her on any of "her" days.. it just doesn't sit right with me personally.

But each to their own of course, I just see it as self indulgent nonsense.

It's not that no one else is allowed to see them, just that presumably their plans clash so they can only do one or the other. The MIL in this situation is demanding that OP's child spend mother's day with his grandmother, rather than his mother... There is only one person here who is being in any way unreasonable. I guess I just have trouble understanding that level of entitlement because, thankfully, I don't have anyone that unreasonable in my family.

This is such a bizarre attitude - like a child is some novelty toy to be shared around l
That the grandparents are squabbling like children over.

It's mothers day and it's perfectly fine for everyone to be with their mums.

Each adult child visits their mum. Mum of actual children decides if she wants to spend it with her children or not since she’s their mum.

Father’s Day same rules apply but for the men.

I don’t get any of this well both grannies or none. Op can spend her day with her child how she wants. Mil and ops mum both had many years of actual mother’s days with their children as children. It anit grannies day.

If I was in your situation I’d stop seeing your MIL completely. I’d tell my husband that he can spend time with his own family and even take the children if he wishes, but I don’t spend time with people who are disrespectful to me.

Your child stays with you (his Mother) on Mother’s Day, your husband does as he wishes. On Father’s Day he can have the children with him, however he wishes to spend it.

This woman (your MIL) should have no say over YOuR Mother’s Day.
She is jealous of you and not mature enough to regulate herself, it’s that simple.

She is not more important than you or your own mum.

DH needs to stop pandering to her and tell her what’s happening.

The DC will be with you and you’re seeing your own mum, so he will be visiting her alone.

If she’s not happy with that then she can wait until the following week and he can take the DC to see her then.

I’d be really pissed off that he’s even putting you in this position.

Everybody spends Mother’s Day with THEIR mother?! That seems the most fair. So you child with you. You with your mum. Your husband with his mum. Unless you can meet his mum for breakfast and your much later in the day and see both.