How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

We do celebrate Grandparent's Day in Poland and reading threads like this makes me think it is a very sensible thing ;)

She wants the world to revolve around her on her terms. You're an adult and a mum, you make your own decisions about what you want to do based on your own thoughts & feelings and who you want to spend time with.

I honestly wouldn’t do any visiting or travelling this year. Stay home and let your DH take care of YOU. See your mum a different weekend or on Saturday.
You are a mum as well.
I don’t understand these full grown MILs behaving like toddlers.

MIL sounds like a nasty piece of work, which is the main issue, and your DH needs to put his foot down with her.

To be honest, after the 'Your lucky to have him' comment I would have taken great exception and had it out with her.

Don't hive this woman an inch this Mother's Day, you do exactly what you what to do.

She came over yesterday and was incredibly standoffish. There was a family party booked in that I was happy to attend (well happy is the wrong word 😂) but she’s now moved it to my due date. DH has said we obviously won’t attend. I don’t know if I’m definitely going to be allowed to attempt a VBAC yet due to risk of complications, so might have a c-section, but the consultant is going to do a final scan a few weeks before then the final decision is made. So either way, I’ll be about to give birth or will have a one week old. She’s told DH he should just come with our toddler if I haven’t given birth yet or if I have, he should bring our newborn and I should stay behind if I can’t ’muster enough strength to attend’ He was like absolutely not going to happen. I was actually proud of his “I’m not bringing my children to be passed around like a commodity” So she was in a massive sulk about it and sees it as me blocking again. We had this two weeks postpartum with DC. She threw a hissy fit because “I wouldn’t let” DH take our breastfed, jaundiced newborn, who’s jaundiced had worsened because SHE gave him her cold.

I’m just going to have my mum and brother over and we can either go out for food or my mums going to bring something or we can cook together. I’m not going to accommodate her. Not at all! Nor my BIL and his wife, who also got involved in the slating of me during my last postpartum. (DH handled that very quickly, shame he wouldn’t do that with his mum!) DH can do something separately with his own mother, not muscle in on what i’m doing. It’s his circus.

For anyone who has gone low contact with in-laws, how do you do it without it being a massive drama? I’d love to cut them off completely to be honest as I’m absolutely sick of it now, but that would cause a war and I don’t need that right now.

She sounds like a child! She clearly can’t accept that his priorities has changed and is now running the risk of pushing you all away.

I’m glad your dh has said no and made it clear already that he won’t be attending.

It’s a good idea to just focus on your own mum, you don’t need to cater to your mil every demand.

I think the best thing for you to do is let all communication go through your dh. Let him deal with everything but stand your ground when she makes her demands. I certainly wouldn’t go to a party one week after my c section as I was really unwell but if I was okay I still would not take my one week old to a big party.

I’m not going to accommodate her. Not at all!

Hurrah!

Only ever see her with dh there...
Maybe a nanny cam and leave it on. She may behave if under surveillance!!
Dh hosts. Down to every last cuppa... Then if it isn't to her satisfaction it isn't on you.

I hate slings but maybe use one in her company... Her bad vibes don't need to be that close to your dc...

I just stopped going over to see her, my DH took the kids until she shouted at our youngest DS , called him an idiot and smacked him on his arm. He stopped going over, our daughter said that Grandma shouts and she doesnt like it so she stopped going . Our eldest DS has kept trying over the years ( now 25) he’s a sweet forgiving character, think he loves the idea of a “DG” but is slightly bewildered with his!
My DH sees her every other week for one morning, works shifts, maybe sees her one Saturday/Sunday a month?
I barely have any contact with any of my IL’s, maybe Christmas? I don't give it alot of thought, busy with my job, teenage daughter, supporting sons when needed.
All i can say is just stop seeing her, dont answer the phone to her, don't reply to messages, do you really need to go to all the family events? Let your DH take the children if its appropriate, obviously not your newborn.
This idea of a large happy extended family is not the reality for many, enjoy your precious family time.
She sounds like an absolute nightmare, how shes got away with the embarrassing behaviour, never grown up i guess?
Good luck

Well done asserting more healthy boundaries. Does your DMIL ever get asked if she considers your feelings/ wants/ needs and why hers must take priority over everyone else’s? From personal experience it took a while but my relationship with a family member who sounds similar to your DMiL vastly improved after I politely backed off.
Be there smiling at any big occasion like you’re one big happy family then slip back into your peaceful life until the next one. No explanations or excuses necessary, she will know why.

You stop any contact whatsoever.
Everything through your hudband.

Review each engagement individually and decide if it suits you.

1 in 3 or 4 works for many.
Get a Nannycam and have it set up in your house when she comes.

Don't tell her you have one.
My friends niece found one invaluable when her MIL was very rude when she visited.

She visited to see her grandson who was 6 months old.
Her husband had to go out for 20 minutes and in that time she was so snide and dismissive of her and her post partum tiredness etc.
She mentioned how abnormal she was and how her sons ex girlfriend would have been a much better match.

She was upset and told her husband later and he found it hard to believe.
It wasn't until she was telling her mother the following day that the Nannycam came up.
She was so addled she completely forgot about it.

They reviewed it and it was all there.
Her husband was stunned and went over to his parents. His mother was absolutely dumbstruck and became hysterical and it became all about calming her down.

She has barely seen her since her phone call apology, and the whole family know why.

MIL is mortified apparently.

This is what I would automatically do without a thought.
Tough titties pick another day to be grandmothers day. It's mother's day she can spend it with her son.

You could easily go low or even no contact with your MIL without any detrimental impact on you and your children as your MIL is completely unhelpful and it's your mum who provides all the care and support that you need. Your life would be infitinitely better without her in it, but I assume that your DH wouldn't be happy with that.

Just stop making any effort yourself. Let your DH do all the work with her and be ready to clamp down on any behaviour that will hurt you and/or your children.

Her suggestion that your DH brings your newborn baby to her event without you shows that she is not only completely batshit but utterly malevolent as well. In fact, she sounds quite dangerous to actively want to separate a newly born baby from its mother.

She’s been an absolute bitch you don’t need to go low contact she’s done that for you. you just say to your dh she has made it clear she doesn’t want me at her party so going forward you and dc just see her and I will stay at home which she obviously prefers and if he doesn’t like it just say you have made your decision on how she only wants your dc and not you. Oh and Mother’s Day every year I will be with my dc and I hope you too. But that’s your choice. So petty of her. Good riddance I say.

We used to have one in our kitchen after a number of break-ins in our area. I actually did get a couple of the beratings she gave me on camera. It was angled at the back door so people weren’t visible, but you could hear what she was saying very clearly. DH point blank refused to watch it after initially saying he didn’t believe me as it was an ‘invasion of her privacy’ Yep, nearly killed him for that. I get it’s shit hearing your mum has been awful, but he’s the king of avoidance! He told me at the time to just let it go as I must have got the wrong end of the stick or overly sensitive. The camera broke and we’ve not replaced it. She doesn’t come over to our house that often as we’re expected to travel to her anyway since we moved away. Thank God! She was over every other day when we lived down the road! I think that’s part of the problem, she blames me for us moving, although it was DH’s decision as he was sick of the commute to his work.

I wish I’d had the confidence to share some of those conversations now. But with her family, I’d still be at fault, but at least the truth would have been out.

I’m a Mum too, Mother’s Day with my children and husband. On the Saturday we each visit our own Mum - my MIL loves the 121 attention /time with her son. I’m also LC with her - much healthier for all!

@Chunkychips23

YOU are the most important mum in all of this! Stick to your plans & if DH wants to be a dick about it, let him. He can also 'manage' his horrible mother!

Spending time with and showing appreciation to mothers or anyone else doesnt have to be on a particular set day. It can be done on another day (and should be all through the year if it's genuine)

If more people understood this there would be a lot less stress surrounding these days.

Hosting in your current situation is a bad idea.

wrong thread

Your MIL can be spoilt rotten by your DH Sibs. Only see her on a three year rotation for MD.

See your Mum if you're up to it.

Next Year, let it be all about you.

If I were you I'd take dc to see my own mum. It's mother's day not grandmother's/ mil's day.

You mother in law is no longer and active mother. You are doing the mothering. It’s your day. She gets a car in the post and a phone all.

I actually think too much importance is attached to these ‘days’ as there seems to be an ever-growing list (Mother’s, Father’s, Grandparent’s, Valentine’s, Women’s, Men’s etc, etc). Life is so much simpler since opting to not join in and instead show my appreciation in other ways, on other days.

I'd happily hand my child to dh to see mil so I could have a peaceful meal with my mum lol

I found mothers day very important. It was important for me to spend it with my mum, especially after I had left home, and also after I had my own dc - even if it was popping over with a small box of Ferrero Rocher (one of her favs), or a pack of seeds for the garden, never a card, and just spending the afternoon having a natter while helping her make a pot of soup, or helping clear out the garden for spring, then maybe having dinner together, either something home made or get her favourite takeaway in and share it (a full one was too much for her). Something we did now and again anyway, roughly taking turns paying, but I would "treat" her on Mothers Day and it felt important.

It can, and should, be "important" without all the commercial nonsense around it.