How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

Why does your mil get to dictate YOUR Mother’s Day? I’d go see your mum with your dc. Dh can plan as he pleases. Is the driving a genuine concern? If so ask your mum to come closer to you.

He has other children from a previous marriage who she’s not insisting on seeing. She also has two other children and several grandchildren.
Every event becomes a battle. When it really shouldn’t. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc. If there’s a card for it, she wants that day. But specifically, attention from my DH. Even his own birthday.

I remember your other threads @Chunkychips23 I'd definitely be seeing my mum with the DC and leaving DH to deal with MIL. MIL is only going to become more unreasonable as she gets older, so you might as well ignore her when she's demanding, and do what suits you.

Have coffee together with one Mum, lunch out just the 3 of you and then tea together with the other Mum...all fair hopefully!

He thinks I should spend Mother’s Day with our DC if that’s what I want to do.

Well then that's that!

Let him see/battle with his mum as he sees fit.

Yep! Although he’s become a lot more assertive with her, there’s still a loooong way to go!

She did actually improve towards me and I thought we’d turned a corner, but nope.

He’s the favourite child, which his mother makes well known. She told me the other day how lucky I was to have him “very lucky indeed that he picked you. I do hope you’re grateful because he could have anyone” This was after my stepson said that DH should count his blessings that I put up with his Dad.

Bollocks. No thanks for bringing kids up? Ridiculous

No idea why people are making such a huge thing out of it though. "Active" mothers can have breakfast in bed made by the kids , visit both mum's in the afternoon with a card and chocolates . Doesn't have to be anything major

Everyone is massively overthinking it.

Mother’s Day , the clue is in the name
DH sees his mother
you see your mother ( with help from your brother who also gets to see his mom )
your DC with you as you are mother to DC

To be honest I think this is the answer, DIL are always going to prioritise their own mums on mothers day, there's not much can be done about that, but why do you have to have your child with you too? Spending a couple of hours apart from them with your mum child free will not ruin your 'mothers day' and it is a fair compromise that DH gets to spend time with his mum and child together.

I think the fact that your DH has prioritised his mum for the last 14 years and now it seems to be your way or the highway is quite jarring, on top of what you put in your update about potential early onset dementia causing a personality change in her, it's not that she's necessarily being bitchy all of a sudden, if that's the case you need to remember it's not personal, it's an illness, you can't just write off your husbands mum because she is ill and not the version you want her to be, but only you guys will know if it is true or not.

I never understood this whole mothers day is about ME now mentality when people become parents, it's a day that means nothing ultimately so it seems so self indulgent to demand to be the centre of attention, but maybe that is just me, I see it as a day of receiving thanks and giving thanks for the special people in our lives (whatever that looks like), not using it as a battle ground.. surely that just ruins what the day is supposed to be about anyway.

On fathers day they can go to his parents. I wouldn't demand I took the children on fathers day if that wasn't what my husband wanted.

And if parents are divorced so they don't get to see grandchildren on mothers or fathers day, TOUGH.

I had a friend who was pushed into hosting each year. The one year she was heavily pregnant with small children tipped her over the edge.
DM, MIL and DH spent the day drinking whilst she cooked and managed children.
Neither her or DHs siblings did anything. She said both mothers were also crap in their own ways as well.

Next year she got up and left the house early and had a day to herself.

DH always wanted us to travel to his mums for ‘all she does for us’. She didn’t do anything for us. If wanted to travel 300 miles and a whole weekend to see her then he could. But he found going to see her boring so wanted me to come too. Nope.

I had this problem too. Everyone should get to be with their mum on mother's day, so your child should be with you.

I had guessed it was a battle of wills! So it makes sense she started escalating after GC1 and is now ramping up again with GC2 being imminent. You are all muscling in on her "precious boy" I.e. your husband! The "he picked you and he could have had anyone" comment is especially telling l think

I'm in a vaguely similar situation @Chunkychips23 but it's my mum fighting to be too dog over me, my husband and my toddler children. It's exhausting and infuriating! Why should l prioritise her at Christmas?! She is annoyed lm not giving in and lm LC

@sandyhappypeople MIL had a good go on it but they can't just do it her way forever. Dementia or no dementia. The introduction of grand children would have realistically changed the dynamic

I am seeing my mum on the Wednesday, my husband will see his mum Thursday morning, both of us will be independant of the other. I will celebrate with my own children on Friday night - and that will be nothing special - I will be lucky if I get a card from my adult children - I only see them because they live in the same house! I will fly out on holiday on Saturday and spend Mother’s Day by the pool with my husband.

as far as I understand it Mother’s Day in the UK, is on Mothering Sunday - which is part of the church calendar and moves every year depending when Easter falls.
Other countries celebrate Mother’s Day on different dates to us, why don’t you celebrate the church one with one parent and the American date with the other?

It’s not my way or the highway at all. I had my first Mother’s Day last year with just me, DH and DC. That was important to mark for us both. We had a miscarriage before taking years to conceive DC, then obviously being at risk of death during pregnancy meant this was important to us. The MD before that, we saw his mother, together. If anything, we see her more on the ‘key’ dates than we do mine. My mum knows the pressure I get put under, so often steps aside. Im not willing to do that, this year. DH has told MIL we can do something altogether next year.

DH can go see his mother. I’m not insisting on him coming with me, quite the opposite. As mentioned, he has other DC’s, but MIL specifically wants just our DC.

I have been kind and considerate towards her. Despite the things that have been said and done to me. I did think potentially the onset of dementia too, which is why I haven’t cut contact or retaliated. My stepson says his DM hates my MIL and said she’s a bitch. So unless she’s had the onset of dementia for 20yrs, I’m thinking it might be unlikely. But on the off chance, I’m still going to be respectful towards her regardless, as she’s my husbands mother and hasn’t been unkind to my DC - who should have a relationship with his parental grandmother.

Honestly in our family if one grandparent doesn't get to see the children on mother's/father's day nor does the other.

Why not just invite your mum and dad and his mum and dad out for a meal? DH, FIL, and DD should pay?

All of this.

I understand it doesn’t necessarily help when it comes to other people’s expectations, but it puts things in perspective and at least may help you step back and view things a little bit less emotionally.

Totally with you on this. This year I’m seeing each adult child separately leading up to Mothers Day as I find the actual day a bit silly for the reasons you mention. I also don’t like all the attention at once along with the rest of the country. (I know, ridiculous). I’m happy for them to spend time with their in-laws on the day.

Because it is ’mothers’ Day. Obviously. She’s the mother. MIL is grandmother, she can see her son, there’s no obligation that she sees her GC

I put that forward this morning, but she wants to go to her favourite restaurant because it’s Mother’s Day, which is 5-10’mins from her house. Which would mean a 2hr drive for my mum and an hour for us. DH said we could go to somewhere near us as we live in the middle of both our mums pretty much. She doesn’t want to as she doesn’t know if she’ll like the food. DH and his siblings should definitely take her to her favourite restaurant for sure. But I’m not going to make my mum drive 2hrs each way or she has to miss out, again.

MIL is seeing DC this weekend and we saw her last weekend. We’ve offered Saturday next week if she wants to see DC, but she won’t take it as it’s not Mother’s Day and it won’t be as special.

This is mad! Like some crazy Christmas family dynamics times a thousand.

Your MIL sounds awful, absolutely nuts.

You’re more than justified in just making this day about you. Go and see your mum with your daughter. Then go home and put your feet up while your husband brings you tea and biscuits and makes you a nice dinner.

Mother’s Day is about sending a card and flowers, receiving a homemade card from young children, going to church if you’re religious, and maybe having a cup of tea together. Simple acts of appreciation.

This sounds more like acts of sacrifice and endurance!

Why not just invite your mum and dad and his mum and dad out for a meal? DH, FIL, and DD should pay?

Sometimes getting everyone together just doesn't work logistically.

For me I just wanted to see my mum, not my MIL!

Really? All of this upset and drama over a day created to sell us tat and/or disappoint us. Spend the day with your Mum and/or MIL any other day. Hope all goes well with your second OP - enjoy the day with your firstborn and relax!

You are not being unreasonable. It’s Mother’s Day, not grandparents day or mother-in-law day! Therefore your children should be with you, as you are their mother… And it’s great that you can be with your mother. Your DH can see his mother, as that’s HIS mother. Yes I’m sure your MIL would like to see everyone, but that’s not logical and it’s selfish of her. Good luck! x

Stop trying to be accommodating. You see her all the time. You’re heavily pregnant and it’s Mother’s Day, stick to what you want to do. If DH wants to come with you, let him. Let MIL see that she’s not the priority and she can’t bully you both into doing what she wants. Tell DH to manage her tantrum and you stay out of it. You’re about to have a baby and a toddler to look after, you can’t keep bending over backwards for someone who treats you so badly