How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

Until they have a partner and children surely

Are you able to see both of them on the same day? Like lunch with one and dinner with other?
If that’s not an option, then DH needs to not lose sight of the fact that YOU are a mother in this scenario. If you want to spend the whole day with your children and see your mother then that’s what you should be able to do. On the other hand, you might welcome a little break in which case he could take the children to see his mother for part of the day and you see your mother with the children for a while as well. If that’s too much for one day, then you have the whole weekend. No one should be that put out if they get to see you on the Saturday rather than the Sunday. If they are they are just immature.

She spends lots of time with my DC. Whenever she likes, we’ve not ever blocked her. She has more of the key dates than anyone else. Because we’ve always given in to her wants. And she spends lots of time with her several other grandchildren.

This needs to stop now.

Just spoken to my mum about it. She said she’s more than happy to come to me if it makes things easier. She doesn’t want me getting stressed or having to rush around. Or she’ll sit this one out so not to cause drama. She’s offered to cook some dishes to bring up if we do a joint thing with MIL so it’s not on me to sort. She doesn’t think MIL will dare make any comments with her there - she did text her when I first had DC to try and get her onside regarding breastfeeding and how unfair it was that we’d asked people not to kiss DC’s face until he’d had his vaccinations, but my mum quickly shot her down. She’s not complained about me to my mum since. Infact, apart from pleasantries, she hasn’t really spoken to my mum since then.

Not 100% convinced MIL will go for it as it’s not what she wants for the day, but like others said, it’s a good way to make it fair. I’ll get DH to ask her and see if she’s willing to bring a dish this time.

Does your Mum always have to make way for your MIL?

If you want to go to/go out with your Mum, just do it!

Don't put the onus on her to help appease MIL!

Your MIL will probably not be pleased with anything that isn't exactly what she wants.

So why bother trying to accommodate her?

Don’t do it. The majority of people think you are being completely fair already. Honestly, put yourself first, why would you want that agg?

Your poor mum. Once again being an amazing mum and putting her self out to appease your husbands mother who acts like a toddler.

Your mother sounds amazing.

Your mum is so lovely.
She must be so upset at who you have ended up marrying and his horrible mother.
Mind yourself OP.

Your mum sounds lovely but you are both bending over backwards to accommodate a woman that couldn't care less about you and your wellbeing. Your MIL sounds like a self-centred narcissist and pandering to her will just make her worse.

Stick with your original plan. Your MIL won't even appreciate the sacrifice that your mum is making as she wants your DH and your child all to herself on Mother's Day with you and your mum out of the picture. She is totally unreasonable and sounds like a horrible person with no redeeming qualities at all.

Have you told your husband that his mother makes you anxious with her inappropriate digs at you. Does it even register for him ?

I would say see your mom and he sees his. She has no entitlement to see your child on mother’s day as it’s not her child.

The woman sounds like a nightmare.

Stop pandering to your mother in law. You’ll be happier for it.

It was a nightmare at first as she convinced him that I must be experiencing PPA and/or PPD as I was clearly being overly sensitive. Her comments about breastfeeding and my parenting choices were purely from a place of love and she was just concerned for both mine and DC’s well-being. In the end, my mum stepped in and gave DH a talking to. Pregnancy and postpartum was her literal career. I had access to her former colleagues such as Obstetrics, Paediatrics & Lactation consultants - DC was a very well cared for baby. Even the HV told MIL to back off one day. I was too unwell post birth to stand up for myself.

DH has been pretty weak at reinforcing boundaries, but has become a lot better. He’s better at telling her no. He pulled her up on some
of the comments he overheard and her forceful behaviour, but she just gets sneaky with it now and says things when he’s out of the room. She relied heavily on emotional manipulation. I just refuse to be alone with her. When DH pulled back on seeing her and I got pregnant again, she did improve for a while. There’s a lot of emotional entanglement and guilt tripping that goes on there.

He says she’s not always been like this and that’s not the mum he knows. But his experience of her as a mother vs as a mother in law is totally different. If his ex wife wasn’t so bonkers, I’d love to hear from her what her experience was.

It’s Mother’s Day and as a mother you spend it with your child and ideally your mum. The father doesn’t get priority with the child (if the mum wants to be with the child and they are spending the day apart from the dad for whatever reason). It is not grandmothers‘ day

My advice is to care less about Mother’s Day

My DM died suddenly 19 years ago ( her birthday tomorrow so a tricky day to get through) She was a lovely, lovely mum and granny, nothing was too much trouble,she supported me through my pregnancies and was so helpful when our DS’s were born, a beautiful soul, I had our daughter 4 years after she died, missed her soo much , still miss her…
If I had a chance to spend Mother's day with her I would , I wouldn't let my manipulative, nasty MIL ( have one of those) get in my way of spending precious days with my DM.
I barely see my MIL now, our DS’s and DD are not close to her at all, I let my DH see her, I truly believe that you reap what you sow, what would happen if you just said-not today ( satan)!
Tell your DH that shes his problem, carry on with your life, embrace precious quality time with your DM and DC as much as you like
Hope it all goes well for you 💐

I would say care less about trying to appease MIL!

DO NOT compromise OP!
One of few Mothers Days you get to spend with your mum and your brother. And added to the last one before DC2’s arrival.
DH is backing you up. Go with it.
You will massively regret it if you let MIL in on the day.
Let DH take MIL to her favourite restaurant and be done with it.
You do you :)

Bless you she sounds like the mil from hell; darling your pregnant your due soon do what’s best for you!!sod her she’ll get over it & if she doesn’t does it really matter? She sounds drama queen in whatever you do so have a lovely day with your mum & son & let hubby deal with his tricky mother & whatever you do if you have a little girl don’t name her after the mil you’ll never get rid of her xx

It’s just all so drama llama. I know my daughter loves me and I have always said I don’t need a special designated day to know that. Young parents have so much on why add to their stress? My daughter’s MIL is lovely and we share childcare of a wonderful granddaughter- Mother’s Day means so much more to her so I am quite
happy to stay out of the way and let her have a special day with her son and his family. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

The most straightforward thing is everyone sees their mum. Your kids are with you and you are with your mum and your DH goes to his mum.

You each see your own mum, or DH suggests to his siblings they host MIL so he can go with you, or you host at your home; but neither you or your Mother are to lift a finger. You invite husband and his siblings, but the men are to do everything!

Some of the posts on this thread make absolutely no sense. It is Mother’s Day. You are your child’s mother. You have every right to spend the day with your child as they are your child. You also have every right to see your mother if that is what you want to do as she is your mother. Your partner has every right to see his mother if that is what he wants to do as she is his mother. Your MIL is not missing out on any way by not seeing your child on Mother’s Day as your child is not her child. Your mother will see your child on Mother’s Day but this is not because she is their grandmother, it is because you will have your child with you whilst you visit her on Mother’s Day as you want your child to be with their mother which is 100% the right thing.

Some of these posts i see on here about mothers day are worse than the ones about who to spend Christmas with.

This all sounds a nightmare for you I don’t understand why your dc should be taken away from mum on Mother’s Day it sounds like she wants to ruin your day with your mum. Don’t back down otherwise she gets what she wants and not you. Tell your dh it’s important he sees his mum and when it’s Father’s Day he can take dc that day. She’s dictating to you don’t put up with that it’s your day so your just important to have what you want and this year it’s to be with your mum and dc.