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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer want to do late afternoon / evening parties

150 replies

MeowToffee · 19/03/2025 23:54

My brother and SIL and their 3 kids live an hour away by car, but we don't drive and rely on public transport, so it's 3,5 hours for us (multiple buses - it's not a fun trip). Whenever they celebrate birthdays or invite us over for get togethers, they start around 4.00PM and include dinner, but we have to leave by 6 and even then it's really late for DD who usually is in bed by 7.30. Got another invite for a party at their house today, but I told my brother we can't make it - travelling for 7 hours just to spend 2 hours there is getting ridiculous, especially for DD - and we would love to come over some other time with DD to spend a day with them instead, or sleep over on a weekend... Anyway, he got upset because we chose not to have a car and should be flexible, and they're too busy for long visits. I feel like he is very fixated on the fact we don't have a car, while I think plenty of family members who live further away from each other just make it work and see each other less often but for longer stretches of time (they are used to having everyone basically around the corner - except us).

We're close and I don't want to fight. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 20/03/2025 00:01

That's a ridiculous amount of traveling for two hours. If it's a special birthday and your DD is really wanted, then they need to have her sleep over.

Ursulla · 20/03/2025 00:22

I think most people just don't get how limiting it is when you don't have a car - not only in terms of how long everything takes but also in terms of how early public transport stops and how infrequent it is. Wait until he's calmed down a bit and suggest an alternative time to meet up. You'll need to book a hotel really for a seven hour round trip so at least you can be more flexible about meeting them on whatever day you're staying over, time wise.

Also, it's probably worth you looking into getting driving lessons. Me and my kids were limited like this for family get togethers, days out, general out and about going to clubs and events, in all sorts of ways, until I learned to drive. It has honestly transformed our lives and we do much more. It's also cheaper than train and bus fares and especially cheaper than the inevitable taxi fares when public transport goes completely tits up (which as I'm sure you know is very often).

Huckleberries · 20/03/2025 00:30

If they're asking you to be flexible, then they should be flexible as well. So if it's not a special event like a birthday, then meeting at 1 pm makes more sense.

I wouldn't travel 3 1/2 hours on a regular basis to see anybody. I'm surprised at the difference one hour in a car actually makes me wonder what your alternative routes are. Even if it's worth using Uber for special occasions.

But that's quite a lot for frequent visits.

I agree that driving is brilliant, but I'm not actually sure it's the issue here. How often does he visit you? Is he actually just making a point about your choice not to have a car?

I can't drive for medical reasons and I have been surprised how horrified people are. They talk to me like taxis don't exist around here. It's very strange. I do go out in the evening - I don't have children - but it just seems to freak people out. I find it particularly odd because some of those people will use Uber or taxis when they want to have a drink.

Childanddogmama · 20/03/2025 01:20

I think you have to accept that not having a car, for whatever reason, will limit your options. Brother is not acting unreasonably to organise something for 4pm.

BlondiePortz · 20/03/2025 02:33

We dont have a car but no we fit in with other people it is our choice so no they dont have to be flexible

Tbrh · 20/03/2025 03:53

Childanddogmama · 20/03/2025 01:20

I think you have to accept that not having a car, for whatever reason, will limit your options. Brother is not acting unreasonably to organise something for 4pm.

This. Unless you have young kids this is the normal time for things to usually start.

PeloMom · 20/03/2025 04:03

It’s up to you if you want to go (doesn’t really sound like it) but there are many ways to make it work. You can always rent a car for the day or few hours, like turo or zipcar; also depends on how much it is, Uber can be an option (for an hour ride I’ve paid £35 in the past so really depends).

jennifernewcastle · 20/03/2025 04:12

Do you not have a car, or can you not drive at all?

If you don’t have a car but can drive, I’d consider hiring one for special occasions - I don’t think it would cost that much to hire one for a day?

Do they come to you for visits or are you always expected to go to them?

I do agree that 3.5 hours each way is pretty much unworkable for a short visit, especially when you have young children, but I’d want to find a way around it.

bozzabollix · 20/03/2025 04:26

This is why my work as a driving instructor is truly transformative. Literally would rather lose a digit than the car.

GRex · 20/03/2025 04:32

1 hour by car is quite far, must be at least 30 miles? Are you sure your buses are the quickest route and if isn't easier to get a taxi to a train station at one end or the other?

Anyway, 4pm is too late for visiting anyone even just round the corner unless it's a quick play date, because it's too near DC bedtime. PIL like doing everything late, but it doesn't work with the rest of us since we had children so we just politely explained it didn't work. Easier as we banded together saying no, and we had to do it 4-5 times, but now it's not even a debate, MIL merrily tells us to arrive by 12 to feed the kids and food for adults at 3/4pm. (Actually SIL, BIL 1, DH, BIL 2 and I would much rather eat earlier too, but this is what compromise looks like.) Hold the line OP, you're all happy to go for lunch but need to leave by 4.30 so won't go to anything that starts after 1.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2025 04:32

You are saving a heck of a lot of money by not having a car. Far more than an occasional Uber there and back.

Notsosure1 · 20/03/2025 04:53

Huckleberries · 20/03/2025 00:30

If they're asking you to be flexible, then they should be flexible as well. So if it's not a special event like a birthday, then meeting at 1 pm makes more sense.

I wouldn't travel 3 1/2 hours on a regular basis to see anybody. I'm surprised at the difference one hour in a car actually makes me wonder what your alternative routes are. Even if it's worth using Uber for special occasions.

But that's quite a lot for frequent visits.

I agree that driving is brilliant, but I'm not actually sure it's the issue here. How often does he visit you? Is he actually just making a point about your choice not to have a car?

I can't drive for medical reasons and I have been surprised how horrified people are. They talk to me like taxis don't exist around here. It's very strange. I do go out in the evening - I don't have children - but it just seems to freak people out. I find it particularly odd because some of those people will use Uber or taxis when they want to have a drink.

Edited

I get what you mean by freaking ppl out - why?! Particularly if it doesn’t affect them. It took me years to learn to drive, on and off - missed ADHD coupled with finances - lessons are so expensive!

I told a woman on a course I was on that I was learning to drive again bc I’d just had a baby and her whole demeanour altered instantly. It was un-nerving. She acted like I’d disclosed something really weird and uncomfortable to her - which in turn made me increasingly uneasy and confused, though I remained polite and friendly to her. Why did it bother her so bloody much?

Later, during a lunch break she was openly hostile and appeared pissed off, making negative comments when the small group of us discussed a non-controversial subject and it left me feeling really uncomfortable that this piece of knowledge about me had seemed to trigger something within her - somehow moving her from friendly and engaged to being visibly annoyed, to the point of rudeness and open disapproval. The fact it didn’t affect her in the slightest seemed irrelevant.

Ironically the course was about letting negative feelings go - obviously didn’t work for her!

On a side not, OP, my brother was also an arsehole about me not driving and would deliberately put obstacles in my way to prove a point - ie if I only got my arse in gear and stopped being a lazy, inconsiderate git, mine and everybody else’s life would be a lot easier! The fact that my not driving did not affect anyone but me (I didn’t ask anyone for lifts and always got public transport) again was irrelevant.

I guess my message to you and everybody like you is - some ppl are just inexplicably horrible cunts. The word seems increasingly over-used on here but in my case it’s wholly appropriate. Your brother, like mine, sounds pre-occupied with his own family and their happiness but to the point of being unreasonable concerning yours. His expectations are ridiculous, with absolutely no consideration to you and your own family’s well-being - 7 HOURS!!! He needs to pull his head out of his arse.

Lurkingandlearning · 20/03/2025 05:46

If you have a driver’s licence (just don’t want to own a car) have you considered hiring a car? I’ve found Zip Cars to be excellent value and service.

DeskJotter · 20/03/2025 05:48

You should get a car.

Bearhunt468 · 20/03/2025 05:50

Could you look into a taxi? Sometimes I think a taxi is cheaper than 3 people paying public transport. But yes I'd probably only travel for special occasions if it's only going to be a few hours and ask them if they have any free weekends that you can come visit for longer.

Trickabrick · 20/03/2025 05:58

Why don’t you stay over when you visit, book into a hotel for the night and you can see them for longer?

WonderingWanda · 20/03/2025 06:00

I think whether you drive, have a car, use an uber is irrelevant here. If you don't want to go over for 4pm because it's too close to dd's bedtime then your brother will just have to accept it. Do you invite him to yours?

TappyGilmore · 20/03/2025 06:01

I was thinking, it’s absolutely not unreasonable to decline an invite if the time doesn’t work for you and it will take too long to travel there.

But where I think YABU is the comment about plenty of family members live further away from each other and make it work. My brother lives around three hours away from me by car. I actually see him fairly frequently as he is often in my city for work, but I see his family maybe four times a year? Three hours each way is not a day trip and we don’t usually have a whole weekend free. So it generally only happens in school holidays. It’s a shame my DD doesn’t get to see her cousins more frequently but that’s just how it is. But in your case, you could see your family more often because the distance is much less, but you just choose not to. I think it’s a shame that you don’t want to try to facilitate a better relationship with your family.

Mintearo7 · 20/03/2025 06:11

Just reiterate it’s too late and arrange another day when you can meet in the middle and celebrate child’s birthday for a larger chunk of time. Don’t bring up lack of car, it will just bring resentment from his side.

HelmholtzWatson · 20/03/2025 06:13

You have chosen to not have a car - you can't expect other people to organise their lives around choices you have made that limit your options.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 20/03/2025 06:14

If you drive couldn’t you just hire a zip car for the day….

other options are

  • host yourself…
  • stay over with them
  • say lunches /early afternoon are easier
  • just get an uber
Sofiewoo · 20/03/2025 06:15

No one is right or wrong, you don’t have a car so you don’t want a long return journey at 6pm. However he’s entitled to invite you when it works for him. If you want to see him earlier or for a full weekend why can’t you invite him to you instead of always expecting him to host?

WhatNoRaisins · 20/03/2025 06:18

Even with a car at an hour's drive this would still be inconvenient for an evening trip with young children.

Changingplace · 20/03/2025 06:19

I’m really surprised he doesn’t offer for you to stay over, my dad life’s 2.5hrs away and we wouldn’t dream of visiting either way for a 2hrs stay, we always stay over.

Simplelobsterhat · 20/03/2025 06:22

I think that's quite odd timing even you had a car and it's if an hour away if you have young children. My sil is an hour and a quarter away, I grew up with grandparents an hour away. Visits to both are / were usually whole day affairs or for lunch and an afternoon on a weekend, not waiting until 4 to get there and then keeping to young kids up late. And we do drive.

It's different if this is a bigger party with friends etc - we'd just accept cousins don't always go to them and meet up a different time.

when the kids were younger with sil we tended to stay the night at their house if they wanted to see us later / for longer, albeit we've never returned the favour as smaller house, so I'm not saying your brother should necessarily offer that.

I guess if it's a party with other people, they can't plan timings around you, so you either don't go or pay for accommodation / hire car. If it's just a meet up between the two families, that should be mutually convenient, so suggest your house or different timings. Or meeting for a day out half way somewhere you can get to - we do that a lot with sil.

But 7 hours travel with young kids for 2 hours there is ridiculous