To no longer want to do late afternoon / evening parties

[MeowToffee]

My brother and SIL and their 3 kids live an hour away by car, but we don't drive and rely on public transport, so it's 3,5 hours for us (multiple buses - it's not a fun trip). Whenever they celebrate birthdays or invite us over for get togethers, they start around 4.00PM and include dinner, but we have to leave by 6 and even then it's really late for DD who usually is in bed by 7.30. Got another invite for a party at their house today, but I told my brother we can't make it - travelling for 7 hours just to spend 2 hours there is getting ridiculous, especially for DD - and we would love to come over some other time with DD to spend a day with them instead, or sleep over on a weekend... Anyway, he got upset because we chose not to have a car and should be flexible, and they're too busy for long visits. I feel like he is very fixated on the fact we don't have a car, while I think plenty of family members who live further away from each other just make it work and see each other less often but for longer stretches of time (they are used to having everyone basically around the corner - except us).

We're close and I don't want to fight. AIBU?

YANBU, but Mumsnet hates non-drivers, so you will get some silly responses.

I wonder if it’s less about your travel situation and more about the fact that they want to see you but don’t necessarily want the intensity of overnight guests. Hosting, especially with kids, can be a lot, and some people prefer shorter, more contained visits rather than longer ones that require more effort. It might be worth asking if that’s part of the issue.

UBER is your friend.

If you wanted to go, you’d find a way. There is nothing odd about what he’s suggesting but your response feels very chip on shoulder. Actions have consequences. You choose not to drive and then moan that you’re limited in your options. It’s cause and effect! Get a taxi. Or don’t go. Just don’t blame your DB for your choices.

4pm seems a pretty normal time to have people over. Expecting them to regularly host you for whole days seems very entitled and I can absolutely see why they wouldn't want to have overnight guests with 3 kids, have you not considered a hotel?

Also do you invite them to yours for events or special occasions? It does rather read that you expect everything on your terms simply because you don't drive and whilst it's a perfectly valid option (I also don't drive) it's not really reasonable to expect everyone to plan stuff to suit you.

He’s not unreasonable not to want you to stay for long visits or sleep over in order to make it ‘worth’ your travel time.

You don’t say where you live and how good the transport is for your day to day life, but honestly I don’t know why you’d put yourself in the position that you have to waste / spend that much time just on travelling.

You don’t have to own a car, but there are so many better options around eg renting a car for a day or similar.

You say dd has to be in bed by 7.30 so she sounds young. Tbh you’ll need a car as she grows up unless you never leave your area at all which I can’t see as being anything other than limiting.

4pm for a party is perfectly reasonable.

Why don’t you use other options to drive?

It's fine for him to organise stuff for the late afternoon, but it's also totally reasonable to not go and he's being ridiculous to expect that. Sometimes you miss things when you live further away. You've offered other ways to see them. The travel time is long: it doesn't matter why.

Mumsnet is ridiculous about people who don't drive though, so brace yourself!

Staying over would be the sensible option. My parents went without a car for a few years when I was growing up and it was a nightmare. Having to get lifts to school things with people I didn’t know well. Plus public transport always involved a lot of waiting around. But obviously you have your reasons. If the party is a Sunday evening obviously that won’t work because of school etc. I think it’s nice your brother wants to spend time with you but does he come to you also?

Its fine you dont want to travel due to logistics but you also cant expect people to make all parties earlier or to be hosted for a whole day or overnight just cos you dont drive

Like never again will we invite family to stay over - no matter what

its just too much for all of us and our cats lol

Its the sacrifice of not driving - i dont drive either so i get it is hard at times

They host these parties at least 6 times a year (five birthdays, and usually more than one special occasion). There is no way I could afford a taxi / hotel stay more than once a year without significantly cutting back on other things, and we're already on a tight budget (DH is chronically ill and can't work, also why he can't drive).

Yes, we host them at our house. It's pretty much 50/50 at the moment. I've also had nephews and niece over to stay for the weekend, and we have stayed with them on occasion, although that was before my niece was born.

Obviously I would love to keep seeing them as regularly as we do now, we get along well, and DD loves her cousins, but I just cannot make it work this way anymore.

Some of these comments are just ridiculous. Hire a car just to go to a family members house for a small birthday get together 😂 An uber which would cost about £50 each way if not more. Not to mention the fact clearly people yet again don't seem to consider not everyone lives in an area where uber is even an option. Or zip cars whatever those are. I'm a driver btw and understand the limitations of public transport.

OP no you aren't being unreasonable. I too have a brother who seems to live in a clueless bubble.

Why don’t you host more?

Would be happy to, but I think we both consider hosting less of a hassle than travelling to see each other. Even though they do drive, it's not always easy to leave the house with three young kids.

Yeah, we don't have uber here. I expect a taxi would be 100 quid each way. Hotel also at least 100 quid for a night. There is no way I can do that 6+ times a year.

Then you need to have a frank conversation with your brother. Tell him that it is no longer practical for you all to visit and explain the reason why. Speak just to your brother and not with your SIL present (his understanding of your situation might be influenced by her opinion).
Also, offer to host yourselves more; if brother drives it is obviously easier for them.
Another suggestion is during the better weather could you arrange to meet somewhere half way for a few hours where the cousins can pay together and maybe take a pic nic?

Yes this. We live quite rurally and although I am a driver it would be horribly limiting to not have a car as public transport is sporadic, inconvenient and expensive. Plenty of people can't drive for a whole host of reasons and we most definitely do not have ubers here and i have never even heard of zip cars! I once just last year had to get a taxi to the DCs school in an emergency because my car was being repaired and DS1 was ill and it cost over £70!

I have a friend who would invite me to her house in London for lunch or dinner (over 100 miles and 2.5 hours driving) but would not come and stay for a long weekend at mine because it was 'too far'. I ended up saying 'the road goes in both directions'. She also drives but seemed to think her journey would be somehow longer than mine in reverse.

Can either of you drive? Could you hire a car for the day? Probably cheaper/ no more expensive than public transport.

Is there a part way point you can get public transport to and then your brother might be able to meet you with a car to pick you up and reduce the journey a bit?

By hire a car, people mean rent a car, not get a taxi!

4pm is a perfectly normal time to meet up, it’s not their problem you don’t have a car.

I think a lot of replies are from posters who just don't get that Ubers and other taxis are either not available or not plentiful and public transport is infrequent.

We don't have Uber, and the local taxis are one man bands and have to be booked weeks in advance.

I have a 24 mile drive to work. In good traffic conditions it takes just over half an hour. Public transport involves two trains and a bus and takes three times as long.

I wouldn't bother with all this nonsense about hiring cars, ubers etc. Given your DH can't work I'm going to guess your money is tight.

Your brother is being unreasonable if he's angry with this, it's what happens when families don't all live in the same towns anymore and he needs to recognise that.

You do need to talk to him, if he'll listen, and explain its just not possible.

As MN says, it's an invitation not a summons. You don't need to break the bank to attend.

You haven’t said whether you can drive OP?

Anyway, it’s an invitation, not a summons. Brother will have to get over himself.

So it’s normal in your world/family not to respect people’s life choices if they’re different from your own? It’s like saying someone chose to have a baby so why she would we make exceptions and not arrange the family party at a cocktail bar. Some people dont want to drive and manage to survive perfectly well. If they can’t be at certain places at certain times due to it then family should respect that just as they should if you lived a 3 hour drive away.