To no longer want to do late afternoon / evening parties

[MeowToffee]

My brother and SIL and their 3 kids live an hour away by car, but we don't drive and rely on public transport, so it's 3,5 hours for us (multiple buses - it's not a fun trip). Whenever they celebrate birthdays or invite us over for get togethers, they start around 4.00PM and include dinner, but we have to leave by 6 and even then it's really late for DD who usually is in bed by 7.30. Got another invite for a party at their house today, but I told my brother we can't make it - travelling for 7 hours just to spend 2 hours there is getting ridiculous, especially for DD - and we would love to come over some other time with DD to spend a day with them instead, or sleep over on a weekend... Anyway, he got upset because we chose not to have a car and should be flexible, and they're too busy for long visits. I feel like he is very fixated on the fact we don't have a car, while I think plenty of family members who live further away from each other just make it work and see each other less often but for longer stretches of time (they are used to having everyone basically around the corner - except us).

We're close and I don't want to fight. AIBU?

Children are generally up early.
Parties were 11, 1pm usually as 4pm would often be declined.

Children want to unwind and have time to get ready for bed.
I had zero interest in being out late, thdm being wound up and bed time much later with overstimulated Children.

The day was long enough at times without that.

Is there anywhere halfway between you both to host a party at, like a social club or pub function room or something? Or even anywhere that's nearer to him but easier on public transport.

Unlike my NDNs with a 3yo who keeps her up all through the night when they have visitors. The children are all expected to be up through the night and sleep the following day like the adults.

Actually we've rolled with it for years - up until now we've made this journey 6+ times a year. But this year I've noticed things are different - DD is in primary 1 now, she's tired and really needs her rest. If we leave the party at 6, it means home at 9.30, and DD won't be down until 10. It's just been a lot for her the last few times we did this, and sleeping on the bus isn't an option either, especially with all the changes.

And we host just as often as DB does. I've even had my nephews and niece to stay this year for a weekend while DB and DSIL went away together, and niece was only 10 months old at the time, so you can imagine it was hard work (I'm only used to one!). I don't mind - as I said, DB and I have always been close, and they've definitely been there for us - but it's not like it's a one way street.

Some people have asked: I don't have a license. I started taking lessons after DD was born, but I wasn't a fast learner, and then covid happened, and at the moment we are struggling financially, so right now it is what it is. But yes, I could (and probably should have) gotten my license when I was younger. It just wasn't a priority for me then. And it's generally fine: we live in a village and have everything within walking distance (school, supermarket, GP, sports etc) and I take the bus or bike to work (in the nearby city).

But yeah, DB and SIL's place is quite remote, they love their cars, and sometimes, despite the fact we get along great, our different lifestyles and choices cause tension. I think DB is / was very okay with my lack of car and lack of ambition (I have a job I like, but it isn't particularly well paid) as long as he could see us as kind of bohemian, just a bit alternative... but when it comes with actual limitations, it's a different story.

Could they not do a lunchtime event, and invite you for longer than two hours?! Start at 1 and then you could head off 5ish ?

@MeowToffee "but when it comes with actual limitations, it's a different story."

so you need to have that conversation. My sister is a city person and wants to constantly be on the go for the sake of it. I'm not like that at all so we compromise.

I'm not getting any compromise vibes from your brother. Why are these family gatherings so essential anyway?

Because they can’t do the basics. Seeing family an hour away for two hours at 4pm on Saturday afternoon shouldn’t mean young kids get home at 9.30pm.

Yes, it was just like a cross between a famine and a Romanian orphanage in my childhood 🙄

Well the brother goes to hers an equal amount. I do think though that the brother should be understanding of them not being able to make it but equally he shouldn’t have to do all the work to compensate op choosing not to drive

Yes it’s mad isn’t it.

Well done for not having a car OP. I know there are many places where it’s an absolute necessity but there are many that it’s not but people act like it would be insane. I had a neighbour who would bang on she needed her massive 4x4 as her kids had an activity - my other neighbour once pointed out it was a 20 minute walk away and served by 3 buses. How I laughed.

YANBU to sack this off OP but there will need to be compromise on each side re timings and transport.
Is there a station you could get a taxi to?
we don’t have a car but go through periods of suing taxis a lot as it’s still way cheaper and environmentally friendly than running a car.

If there are other relatives round the corner from your brother could you visit them before the 4pm party to give you more time between travelling?

I feel like he is very fixated on the fact we don't have a car,

Well, I can see his point. If either of you could drive, this would be an hour in the car each way and you could get yourself there and back at any time you wanted. I wouldn't want to be doing 7 hours on public transport just to get to a child's party, whether it's at lunchtime or teatime!

You can't drive though and can't afford to drive now so have to come up with alternatives. You can't change the times of his parties for him,

Why does your DD need a set bedtime when it’s a party 1-6 times a year? Seems a bit OTT to me. If they are having a late party have you asked if you can stay over and leave first thing in the morning? If money is tight why don’t you ask Brother to give you some driving lessons? When your more confident then have a driving instructor to pass your test. Not having a car available really does limit you and your children going forward especially as you live in a village.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable - you both have made choices and neither of you want to flex. Sound pretty similar to each other tbh?

3 1/2 hours each way with small children os far too much, l would not do it
Your DB can come and visit you.
People are saying get a car, a car is expensive and people don't know your financial situation.

The unreasonableness is him expecting everyone to fit in and not accepting a no from OP or accommodating an overnight stay.

I drive and not sure I would leave at 3 for a 2 hr party to come back by 7/8pm with kids.

All you folks saying ‘Just get a car’ - are you exempt from the climate emergency or something?

You are not being unreasonable! Your brother is arranging things to suit his family and you have every right to arrange things to suit yours. You have no car ( that's entirely your business) and it's a very long way for a couple of hours. Your brother states that they don't have the time for long visits so that's not a possibility. That's okay. You tell him you don't have it in you to make the 'round long trip' every time so you will no longer come to every event. Especially in the winter. I don't know where everyone posts from but in Scotland it's dark by 4pm in winter. I want my own wee household inside and cosy by then. Not just setting out somewhere! Perhaps for High days and Holidays ,you could budget for taxis even part way? Perhaps you could invite them for a lunch time event or meet them halfway for a lunch. I have found down the years that if freinds and family want to be together, they will find a way. If they fall out over it then they were never that close to begin with.Hope you can work things out.

I don't blame you.

Any decent family member would offer to collect your family or offer overnight accommodation.

The journey is ridiculous; I wouldn’t go just for a couple of hours.
Even if he agrees to a daytime visit or weekend stopover I think you should look to pay for a taxi there and back.
You are saving £1000s from not running a car so maybe occasionally you could pay for a taxi? Of course I don’t know your financial situation but it seems this would resolve one of your major problems.

Why should her brother spend four hours driving her around and put her up overnight just because she doesn’t have a car?

Seriously?

Neither of you are unreasonable and by the sound of it you host as much as they do.

Have a think about the events that they usually host and the likely dates, and see which ones work better for DD. Then be upfront about which ones you probably can or can't attend.

Tell them that now DD is in school, the late nights aren't working, it can take her a few nights for her to get back into a good routine again and it impacts on school (you can exaggerate slightly). Say you are looking at recommencing driving lessons so hopefully in a year or so, when DD is a bit older, with a later bedtime and you are driving, you can attend more.

If it's not working for you right now, don't do it.

Growing up, all family events started at about 10am with all but the nearest relatives gone by about 6pm and often earlier. I might end up in bath with cousins or a friend to extend the visit but it was accepted that we all needed bath and bed. Your family are being ridiculous. They could easily meet you somewhere which is an hour by bus too. We do this with my SIL. We meet somewhere which is 45 mins for both of us and DS can get the bus to meet us for about 30mins journey.

Since you are close to your brother, can you not just hire a car for the day?