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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer want to do late afternoon / evening parties

150 replies

MeowToffee · 19/03/2025 23:54

My brother and SIL and their 3 kids live an hour away by car, but we don't drive and rely on public transport, so it's 3,5 hours for us (multiple buses - it's not a fun trip). Whenever they celebrate birthdays or invite us over for get togethers, they start around 4.00PM and include dinner, but we have to leave by 6 and even then it's really late for DD who usually is in bed by 7.30. Got another invite for a party at their house today, but I told my brother we can't make it - travelling for 7 hours just to spend 2 hours there is getting ridiculous, especially for DD - and we would love to come over some other time with DD to spend a day with them instead, or sleep over on a weekend... Anyway, he got upset because we chose not to have a car and should be flexible, and they're too busy for long visits. I feel like he is very fixated on the fact we don't have a car, while I think plenty of family members who live further away from each other just make it work and see each other less often but for longer stretches of time (they are used to having everyone basically around the corner - except us).

We're close and I don't want to fight. AIBU?

OP posts:
Youbutterbelieve · 20/03/2025 07:40

We live far from family, but I still don't like all day visits. When we visit family I'll do a round robin of all family members in one day, spending 30minutes - 2 hours with each depending on what suits.

I also hate it when people visit me for the whole day - I feel like there's so much stuff I've got to do that I don't get done and it makes the other weekend day really full and not relaxing.

It's your choice not to have a car, it's your choice how frequent you visit your brother but you can't dictate how long you visit him for.

MellowPinkDeer · 20/03/2025 07:41

I think I’d be less concerned about what they think re one party and starting thinking by about how much not having a car is limiting YOU and your daughters options for life. It really sounds a bit rubbish missing out on so much and spending so much time on buses!

SummerDaysOnTheWay · 20/03/2025 07:43

Why do you have to leave by 6?
why don’t you just stay over?

gannett · 20/03/2025 07:45

I'm not sure what you want the solution to be. You can't make these parties but you can't expect him to rearrange them in the daytime just because you have a kid. So you just can't attend and that's the way it is, hopefully temporarily. That's the norm for people with small children. He shouldn't give you grief about it though but you should be able to tell your sibling not to be a dick, and that should be the end of it.

Cucy · 20/03/2025 07:46

I would only go for the kids birthdays and perhaps Christmas.

I wouldn’t be going for adult parties etc.

If the kids aren’t having an actual party then I would just visit on the nearest weekend day instead and see them for the entire day.

Why don’t you drive?
It must cost you an absolute fortune with 5 of you using public transport.

Simplelobsterhat · 20/03/2025 07:54

To be fair, unless you live close, I don't think many people see their siblings and cousins for every single birthday, especially not the adults. We certainly don't with sil, or even with my sister who does live close. And as kids get older they usually want a party with their friends.

Could you turn down some of the parties, unless a big birthday, but suggest meet ups at different times instead, where the timings and location can be decided on mutual convenience, not one family inviting the other when it needs to fit in with birthday date, other guests etc. so don't see them less but see them differently?

Daleksatemyshed · 20/03/2025 07:56

If your DH can't work and you can't afford a car then your DB is being unreasonable, he's complaining he won't see you but he won't invite you earlier in the day. You don't have to fall out Op, have an honest talk about why he doesn't want you to go earlier.

Simplelobsterhat · 20/03/2025 07:57

SummerDaysOnTheWay · 20/03/2025 07:43

Why do you have to leave by 6?
why don’t you just stay over?

To be fair, that's up to the hosts not OP. And families of 5 often don't have much space to host a whole family to stay, especially if they are trying to host other party guests too, so can't give over the lounge as a bedroom, for example. I wouldn't be hosting more than one adult or maybe 2 children overnight on the day of my child birthday party.

HellDorado · 20/03/2025 08:00

Why don’t you drive?
It must cost you an absolute fortune with 5 of you using public transport.

Yeah, because cars, petrol, insurance, maintenance - not to mention the outlay for lessons to even get to the point where you can use said car - that’s all free, right?

CelestialGazer · 20/03/2025 08:03

Just don’t go. There are lots of families where the cousins don’t see each other very often because it’s difficult to meet up. It’s no big deal.

Tractorsanddiggers · 20/03/2025 08:09

I don't think it's as simple as staying longer. It wouldn't be quality time as they're getting ready for the party and presumably have other things to do as they have 3dc. Extra curriculars for thr children, food shopping for the party, clearing up and then all the homework and getting ready for the week. That's also lots of beds and space to find. I agree it's a lot for you to travel and especially your dh to be making that journey. You mention other family nearby. I would visit the other family and maybe stay with them so its not getting there only for 4. If your dh is too ill and that complicated traveling then I would see if he would prefer to stay home. That's also one adult less for family to find a bed for.
Travelodge often have rooms for £30 so that's another option

faerietales · 20/03/2025 08:10

I think if you choose to live somewhere with poor public transport and don’t (or can’t) drive then you have to accept that your options are going to be extremely limited.

Your brother isn’t being unreasonable to plan a party for 4pm but he will have to accept that it means you can’t attend as often as he’d like.

Onlyvisiting · 20/03/2025 08:10

YANBU to say to decide not to go.
He is NBU go invite you for 4pm for dinner, thst is a perfectly normal and reasonable invitation.
YABU to invite yourself for overnight stays or full days because it suits you.

Ultimately you both need to accept you just won't see them as often if nothing f changes.
It's not practical to travel 7 hours just for a meal, it's not reasonable to be forced to host overnight guests because they have transport issues.

loubielou31 · 20/03/2025 08:11

You said that your DH isn't driving at the moment due to illness, why is he the only driver? I think a bit of this hinges on why you don't have a car. Financial reasons or ill health reasons then your family need to be more accommodating. But if it's a different reason, (you never learned, an environmental concern, you live in London and public transport within the city is easy... As some examples) then your brother is right they are choices you have made and you can't expect them to inconvenience themselves because of it.

Lokens · 20/03/2025 08:15

Its unfortunate OP but travelling that journey for 2 hours is ridiculous and not worth it.

Just keep saying unfortunately that just isn't possible. I wouldn't dream of doing such a horrible journey for 2 hours.
Absolutely not worth it.

Your choice not to have a car is your business.
If they can't put you up so often fair enough, you will see a lot less of them.

Refuse to argue with him. This is just the reality of living a distance from each other.
Wish them s lovely time.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/03/2025 08:17

For families that live a distance apart it's very normal to not make all social events. I get that this can be a bit of an adjustment if you're the first generation not to live close by to each other.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 20/03/2025 08:19

4pm is not unreasonable. You don't have to go, though.

InWalksBarberalla · 20/03/2025 08:28

Changingplace · 20/03/2025 06:19

I’m really surprised he doesn’t offer for you to stay over, my dad life’s 2.5hrs away and we wouldn’t dream of visiting either way for a 2hrs stay, we always stay over.

Not everyone has space to host overnight visitors. I certainly couldn't have a family of three stay at my place with any comfort.

Cucy · 20/03/2025 08:30

HellDorado · 20/03/2025 08:00

Why don’t you drive?
It must cost you an absolute fortune with 5 of you using public transport.

Yeah, because cars, petrol, insurance, maintenance - not to mention the outlay for lessons to even get to the point where you can use said car - that’s all free, right?

Where did I say it was free?

It just works out a lot cheaper than public transport.

I say that as someone who didn’t drive and now couldn’t afford not to have a car.

FiveBarGate · 20/03/2025 08:33

Can you start a new tradition of meeting up somewhere more convenient for both of you the day before or the day after the party to mark birthdays?

Is there not a town, park, soft play somewhere it would be more relaxing to have a load of kids that isn't too far for either of you?

If it's three buses I'm assuming you have to go into other places to pick up connections?

I'd guess it's also quite expensive even on the bus as even if you have travel passes they tend to have geographical limits. Be better to spend that money on something more enjoyable for all of you.

I live much further from most of my family and meeting places is the best way round it, especially as the families have grown and it's harder to have everyone in one house.

Bearbookagainandagain · 20/03/2025 08:35

As other have suggested, meeting at a half way point that's is convenient for both families is a good compromise.

I'm amazed you have accepted to travel 3.5h each way for a party, I love my family but there is no chance I would have done that even without children! (It would fine for an overnight stay)

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 20/03/2025 08:48

If you don’t want to go / the timing doesn’t work for you then fine decline and arrange to see them at another point. They shouldn’t have to plan their parties at a time to suit you though.

you are really limiting yourself though by not having a car. With a car and an hour drive you would easily be able to attend. The reason you can’t is because you need to rely on public transport so I can see why he is encouraging you to get a car.

could you look at getting an Uber or taxi sometimes to make it easier. Yes, it’s expensive but you will be saving a lot of money by not having a car. Some of that can be spent on other modes of transport that will make your life easier.

dottydodah · 20/03/2025 08:49

Can you meet halfway at all? My cousin lives a way away, and we have met up in London.Whether you can have a car or not is really nothing to do with him really.Sometimes you just have to do what you can.I am sorry your DH is unwell, Running a car is expensive .I would keep visits to a minimum.maybe say Christmas and a meet up in the Summer would work ? Twice a year is probably average for many .

SJM1988 · 20/03/2025 08:50

If you drive and have chosen not to have a car but could have one(I think that is the situation implied by your first post) then he is likely to fixate on the fact that this is your own doing by not being able to go / making things more difficult. Likely he feels its not his fault you chose not to have a car so why should he make things more difficult for themselves and others they have invited.

If that isn't the case tho, address it with him. We can't drive not don't want to. Can't afford a car etc.

faerietales · 20/03/2025 08:51

Bearbookagainandagain · 20/03/2025 08:35

As other have suggested, meeting at a half way point that's is convenient for both families is a good compromise.

I'm amazed you have accepted to travel 3.5h each way for a party, I love my family but there is no chance I would have done that even without children! (It would fine for an overnight stay)

A halfway point wouldn’t be any cheaper though, as it would mean meeting at a restaurant or similar and OP would then have to pay for food and drink as well as transport costs.