To no longer want to do late afternoon / evening parties

[MeowToffee]

My brother and SIL and their 3 kids live an hour away by car, but we don't drive and rely on public transport, so it's 3,5 hours for us (multiple buses - it's not a fun trip). Whenever they celebrate birthdays or invite us over for get togethers, they start around 4.00PM and include dinner, but we have to leave by 6 and even then it's really late for DD who usually is in bed by 7.30. Got another invite for a party at their house today, but I told my brother we can't make it - travelling for 7 hours just to spend 2 hours there is getting ridiculous, especially for DD - and we would love to come over some other time with DD to spend a day with them instead, or sleep over on a weekend... Anyway, he got upset because we chose not to have a car and should be flexible, and they're too busy for long visits. I feel like he is very fixated on the fact we don't have a car, while I think plenty of family members who live further away from each other just make it work and see each other less often but for longer stretches of time (they are used to having everyone basically around the corner - except us).

We're close and I don't want to fight. AIBU?

Your husbands illness and not being able to drive as a result is very difficult but what is holding you back from driving.

if you live somewhere that doesn’t have uber or equivalent then it’s probably quite remote making it even harder to do public transport.

You currently do 50/50 which seems fair . Making your brother need to come to you more due to you deciding not to have a car is not particularly fair.

I don’t think you are unreasonable when you say that 4 pm is not good for you. I think your brother takes it that you can physically come but don’t want to make an effort. And it’s true because your effort is very big and tiring. He can’t expect only you to make an effort, he needs to compromise - move party earlier, offer you to stay or accept you can’t come. So I would suggest a compromise to him e.g can he move party for 1 pm to make it doable for you .
I wonder if he can’t understand the difficulties of a long travel by public transport, your money problems, you sticking to DD’s bedtime (because some people don’t). I don’t know why he doesn’t get all of these but if he doesn’t and not willing to compromise- not much you can do.
By the way what did you mean about him fixated on you not having as car? Is it some sort of green decision on your side like you can drive and can afford a car but doesn’t want to because it’s bad for environment?

If you can drive, what about a car club like cowheels or similar? It's a bit of a faff with having to put the children's car seats in and out, but might give you another option for visiting family and other things that are much easier by car without the expensive of owning one or having to get to and from a car hire place. And taking three buses also sounds like quite a faff!

I don’t think your DB is being unreasonable about time of party as it’s their choice to host at a time that suits them. I suspect for most people it’s a better time to attend, if they have other commitments on in the day etc.

Your choice basically is either to go whereby you find accommodation overnight or the most suitable transport home, or not to go at all.

For all those saying get an Uber, you do know these don’t exist everywhere?! It always amuse me greatly to see how shocked and confused people are when I say we don’t have them where I live.

Hope you manage to find a solution that works for your family.

I think the car is a bit of a red herring here, even with a car there is still distance and tricky timings with small children.

@Everydayimhuffling Love your username!

I don't drive, nor do my parents. As a result we don't see each other that often. We do talk to each other most days though. (My eyesight is terrible even with glasses, so I'd never be allowed to drive, and I can't afford to drive even without that.)

I don't think anyone is unreasonable here - they invited you to their house for something that they want to host and you can't go so say no thank you?

There's 0 chance I'd travel 7 hours to a party.

I am curious as to why you don't have a car though if this sort of thing is important to you. Appreciate your husband can't drive but what about you? If you can't afford a car, fair enough, but I can't see where you explained it.

(I immigrated overseas from my family so have never been to a birthday party since - nor have they ever been to any here. Of course, I'm not really recommending that, but just to say that logistics do play a part in how close a family is and if you can't go to things because of where you live - that's just life. Just be aware that it will have other implications if everyone else is getting together regularly without you)

You did mention that everyone else is there so can someone else host you overnight? Seems easy enough to say 'we can't come unless we can stay over' and then a polite 'no thank you' if that doesn't work.

But you realise some people can’t drive ?
Medical reasons , money ?

I think it’s lovely to catch up with people regularly gorgeous a few hours. But once you start getting into the realms of overnight stays, it’s a whole other game. Making up beds, getting out towels. Breakfast en masse in the morning. You then lose control of the the following day as well, as you don’t know if people will leave at 10 or 2. And then there’s all the washing of the towels and bedding…. So I can see why they’d prefer a “come for some drinks and an early dinner” type thing and then everyone goes home at a reasonable hour. So neither of you is unreasonable in that sense - he’s suggested some perfectly “standard” arrangements, but it’s very difficult for you. I think if you don’t drive, you do have to accept that this sort of thing will prove difficult, though - and maybe sometimes does require a taxi or a hire car on occasion if you don’t want to miss out on family events.

I thought the brother had said they were too busy to have guests for longer visits (and if they're a working household, I can understand this)?

I think it’s lovely to catch up with people regularly gorgeous a few hours. But once you start getting into the realms of overnight stays, it’s a whole other game. Making up beds, getting out towels. Breakfast en masse in the morning. You then lose control of the the following day as well, as you don’t know if people will leave at 10 or 2. And then there’s all the washing of the towels and bedding…. So I can see why they’d prefer a “come for some drinks and an early dinner” type thing and then everyone goes home at a reasonable hour.

Yes, exactly @WimpoleHat

I mean you could stay over even in a hotel? If you have a licence then looking into a car club membership could work, being bc able to use a car every once in a while was brilliant and relatively cheap compared to car ownership.

Expecting them to regularly host you for whole days seems very entitled
They're family
In my world the thinking is completely round the other way and goes: 'Such-and-such a person doesn't drive/has a long journey, so we'll have them overnight or for the weekend.' That seems obvious to me, and the easy option.

And the brother says, 'they're too busy for long visits', but IMO and IME with close family or friends you don't need to 'host' in any formal sense; the host household can just get on with stuff and the visiting group can do their own thing as well, and you meet up for, say, a day trip out when you can, or meals, or whatever. This all sounds very formal and rigid.

Its your choice not to have a car and noone elses business to critise or bully you for that.
Its their choice to host parties that some people cant make.

I am astound they are not not only willing to took into alternative timing or arrangements but being horrible to you on top of that is really immature.

They do have young kids

They only live an hour away. Imagine having to host a whole family staying over at your house every time one of the kids has a little birthday tea. They don’t want people to stay over, they want some tea, cake, sausage rolls and to sing happy birthday!

The onus is on OP to be able to get there. I would be like your brother and question your choices for not driving / owning a car.

I thought London was relatively unusual in being somewhere people willingly travel 1 hour each way for 2 hours of socialising.

Even if you had a car it would be an annoyingly short visit if occasional.

All our family do's are 4pm-that's a pretty standard time, I'd say.

You cant dictate how other people run their parties in their own house, your only choice is to not go. It's a shame though as I would imagine your kids will miss out. I didn't see the reason why neither of you drive-is it a medical or a cost reason?

If I wanted to include small children I'd go for a lunch get together.

I would say 4pm is quite late if it is a children event. I personally would start earlier in the day unless a birthday party after school. If it adult event, I would say after 6pm.

But no one’s been ‘horrible’. The OP says she’s close to her brother. He simply doesn’t want her and her family staying over for full weekends every time he throws a little child’s party to make the trip ‘worth their while’, and wants to keep the current timings as presumably they suit him, his family and the other guests.

I mean, I can’t drive and I accept that this limits me, but I don’t expect people to host me overnight or change their usual timings to accommodate me.

everybody is entitled to make their own life choices and there will be consequences. Its not up to anyone else to say that you should make different life choices because they don't like the consequences of your choices....and as is often said on MN, its an invitation not a summons.

There is a world of difference between hosting a party in the late afternoon/evening and having overnight guests, and in no way is the latter the "easy" option. Especially if the guests have kids! For starters, the child's bedtime is mid-party so there's a noise issue right there. And then there's the next day, when the party hosts just want to be left alone with their hangovers to do the clean-up without having to cater to other people...

They don't need to be flexible, it's their event and you can either make it or not.

It's fine to decline.

But what they are offering is what they are offering. They are going to be a bit annoyed having to offer you an alternative because then they are going to be making extra plans and it becomes a bit much organising more stuff just because people can't make the actual thing being offered.

You could offer to host something not related to the birthday? Doesn't just have to be at yours. You could invite them to a local attraction, park, soft play, BBQ etc.

The public transport for 3.5 hours would be a hell no from me even as a one off and even if it was a full day. Are there any alternatives? So for example if there was a train that went from near you to a station 25 mins away from them would they be willing to pick you up and drop you off? Is there a possibility of you staying overnight at theirs?