Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost a Friend I valued.

131 replies

SadAbout · 19/03/2025 17:23

So there is a school mum I know who is really nice! Everyone likes her! She's v popular and down to earth and good fun to be around. Our children (12 and 10) are the same age and we used to get on really well to the point we'd go out for drinks with another mutual friend, go for coffee etc.. I considered her one of my best mum friends.

Then about 3 months ago her child sent a foul text message to my child, telling my child to kill himself and using awful language, telling him no-one likes him etc... She and her child apologized, but I told school about the message because it was v disturbing and I was a little worried about where this had come from, whether other kids were using this language in school etc.. and I also wanted the teachers to keep and eye on my child and her child and just check all was ok.

My 'friends' child is normally very sweet and since the incident my child and her child have continued to get along, but she has told her child that they cannot play with my child out of school or communicate with them on Whatsapp etc.. anymore. Fair enough, makes sense.

Anyway, I feel I've now lost this friend. She ignores me, and I don't think will ever want to go out for a coffee or drink again. I sent a message apologizing for informing school and asking if we could clear the air over r a coffee, but she doesn't want to. I get that.

I know it's my fault for telling school and it's fair enough she doesn't want to hang out or speak with me! But AIBU for feeling sad about the whole situation and that I've lost a friend that I had valued :(

I can't even talk to anyone else about it because no-one knows about the message her child sent my child and I don't want to tell anyone as he's a good kid and I am sure this was a one off and I don't want him or is mum to be judged.

OP posts:
DefensiveMagpie · 19/03/2025 17:27

I don't think you have done anything wrong or anything you need to apologise for. It's understandable that she's struggling to get past what her child has done and she probably feels embarrassed. Do you think she is angry at you for informing the school?

I'd make sure she knows you don't intend to share what happened with anyone else, but beyond that, I don't think there is much you can do.

You sound very balanced and understanding.

lovemycbf · 19/03/2025 17:27

It’s such a tricky situation when children fall out but I don’t think I would have involved the school the first time it happened.

Glitchymn1 · 19/03/2025 17:29

She probably hopes you’d gone to her and not the school (I don’t think you had a choice, due to the nature of what was communicated).
She’s probably mortified, upset and angry.

I don’t think there’s a lot you can do, you’ve tried to make amends. I’d let her know that you’ve not said anything or gossiped but I expect everyone knows what’s happened to be honest?

MrsTWH · 19/03/2025 17:29

You’ve done nothing wrong OP, and have nothing to apologise for. That message was vile and needed dealing with. She’s embarrassed I would think and you’ve just got to let her get on with it, don’t grovel to someone like that.

Dollshousedolly · 19/03/2025 17:29

I can see why you informed the school but also why your friend no longer wants to be your friend.

You must have known that by informing the school a natural outcome would be the end of your friendship with this woman, You hardly thought it would be coffee as normal.

Tagyoureit · 19/03/2025 17:31

Have you thought that maybe she just mortified and embarrassed?

But I find it odd that you thought it was a one off, the boy is a good kid but still informed the school, which is fair enough, as you need to protect your kid.

Having been in a similar situation, I think this is for the best.

olympicsrock · 19/03/2025 17:33

You did nothing wrong - but surely you can see that she is unhappy with the situation and would not be comfortable remaining friends

workshy46 · 19/03/2025 17:33

Its informing the school.. if you were that good friends she probably wondered as a once off why you couldn't keep it between yourselves to sort out.

In saying that adult friendships rarely survive when the kids fall out so I wouldn't ponder on it too much
It wouldn't have been the end for me, certainly with you reaching out but people are weird and beyond touchy these days

fruitbrewhaha · 19/03/2025 17:33

You’ve done nothing wrong in telling the school.
What he did was outrageous. She should be falling over herself to be nice to you. I do t think she a very nice person.
Guilt brings out the worst in people.

Original poster
SadAbout · 19/03/2025 17:35

Dollshousedolly · 19/03/2025 17:29

I can see why you informed the school but also why your friend no longer wants to be your friend.

You must have known that by informing the school a natural outcome would be the end of your friendship with this woman, You hardly thought it would be coffee as normal.

You r right of course. I just feel sad about it! I am not overly social and don't have loads of friends as life is busy and DH and I prioritize any free time we have with each other.

Most of my other friends would probably want to invite this person if we went out and I've not told them what's happened and don't know what to say! I am feeling sorry for myself that I've lost a good friend!

It is of course my fault for informing school, but I feel I had to tell school. It's not ok to tell someone to kill themself, or to use foul language towards them etc.. it was a horrible text that an adult would probably be arrested for! I think I'd do the same again, even though it means an end to our friendship

Life can be tricky sometimes can't it

OP posts:
Cnidarian · 19/03/2025 17:37

You were right to tell the school. She should recognise that. If she can't she can't, don't apologise again.

Newtess · 19/03/2025 17:37

I think you made the right decision informing the school. I did the opposite and just spoke to the dm and the abuse continued on and off for a few years.

Rachie1973 · 19/03/2025 17:38

I imagine she thought by addressing it with her directly and accepting the apologies that the matter was resolved.

in a first instance I wouldn’t have gone to the school unless unhappy at her response. Not if this is one off from a previously good kid.

2025willbemytime · 19/03/2025 17:39

I think you are very naive if you think this friendship could continue. Why you apologised for telling the school I don't know. Stop being a people pleaser and put your child first.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 19/03/2025 17:40

@SadAbout please stop blaming yourself for telling the school. You were protecting your kid and putting them first. It's a shame you've lost a friend (written down that looks flippant but it's not intended to be) but you sound like a great mum.

Happypeoplearehappy · 19/03/2025 17:41

Friends come and go. I have lived in so many different places and I always make friends. The Mum friends all faded away once I moved on. I didn’t dwell on it. Maybe think about why this friendship meant so much to you as it didn’t to her.

You did nothing wrong telling the school either.

Original poster
SadAbout · 19/03/2025 18:11

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 19/03/2025 17:40

@SadAbout please stop blaming yourself for telling the school. You were protecting your kid and putting them first. It's a shame you've lost a friend (written down that looks flippant but it's not intended to be) but you sound like a great mum.

thank u!

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAbout · 19/03/2025 18:11

Happypeoplearehappy · 19/03/2025 17:41

Friends come and go. I have lived in so many different places and I always make friends. The Mum friends all faded away once I moved on. I didn’t dwell on it. Maybe think about why this friendship meant so much to you as it didn’t to her.

You did nothing wrong telling the school either.

Thanks! Food for thought

OP posts:
TeaIsNice · 19/03/2025 18:14

i would always choose the welfare of my DD over my personal friendships.

ChinaChina · 19/03/2025 18:16

It’s sad you’ve lost your friend but it’s just one of those things. I think you did the right thing telling the school.

ChinaChina · 19/03/2025 18:18

Happypeoplearehappy · 19/03/2025 17:41

Friends come and go. I have lived in so many different places and I always make friends. The Mum friends all faded away once I moved on. I didn’t dwell on it. Maybe think about why this friendship meant so much to you as it didn’t to her.

You did nothing wrong telling the school either.

My mum friends are now my best friends 25 years after meeting them.

goldenretrieverenergy · 19/03/2025 18:19

I would inform school as well. But if it was a child of my very good friend, I would have told her beforehand. Did you tell her you are going to talk to the school? If not, I can see why she is upset.

BobbyBiscuits · 19/03/2025 18:20

If she won't speak to you anymore over it she wasn't much of a friend. You tried to clear the air and make it clear you didn't hold it against her, the kids are friends again. Frankly the text was awful and if my kid did that I'd be mortified. It's not like she was wrongly accused.
Telling children to kill themselves is serious bullying and of course should involve the school.

Springhassprungxx · 19/03/2025 18:31

BobbyBiscuits · 19/03/2025 18:20

If she won't speak to you anymore over it she wasn't much of a friend. You tried to clear the air and make it clear you didn't hold it against her, the kids are friends again. Frankly the text was awful and if my kid did that I'd be mortified. It's not like she was wrongly accused.
Telling children to kill themselves is serious bullying and of course should involve the school.

I agree

DaniMontyRae · 19/03/2025 18:35

For all those saying the OP shouldn't have told the school because it's a one off, what if it isn't? What if this boy has sent similar messages to other kids or is planning to? Maybe all those parents thought like you guys and just shrugged it off as a one off.