Lost a Friend I valued.

[SadAbout]

So there is a school mum I know who is really nice! Everyone likes her! She's v popular and down to earth and good fun to be around. Our children (12 and 10) are the same age and we used to get on really well to the point we'd go out for drinks with another mutual friend, go for coffee etc.. I considered her one of my best mum friends.

Then about 3 months ago her child sent a foul text message to my child, telling my child to kill himself and using awful language, telling him no-one likes him etc... She and her child apologized, but I told school about the message because it was v disturbing and I was a little worried about where this had come from, whether other kids were using this language in school etc.. and I also wanted the teachers to keep and eye on my child and her child and just check all was ok.

My 'friends' child is normally very sweet and since the incident my child and her child have continued to get along, but she has told her child that they cannot play with my child out of school or communicate with them on Whatsapp etc.. anymore. Fair enough, makes sense.

Anyway, I feel I've now lost this friend. She ignores me, and I don't think will ever want to go out for a coffee or drink again. I sent a message apologizing for informing school and asking if we could clear the air over r a coffee, but she doesn't want to. I get that.

I know it's my fault for telling school and it's fair enough she doesn't want to hang out or speak with me! But AIBU for feeling sad about the whole situation and that I've lost a friend that I had valued :(

I can't even talk to anyone else about it because no-one knows about the message her child sent my child and I don't want to tell anyone as he's a good kid and I am sure this was a one off and I don't want him or is mum to be judged.

This is why kids should haven't phones.

You did right thing. Your duty is to your child. And I bet if the situation was reversed she would have contacted the school

my opinion is she is embarrassed by her child’s behaviour and rather that sort it out is now hiding

Mum friends are not friends. They are situationships that people use to benefit their own children. The mutual bond isn't between you and this other mum, it's between your kids. Once that dies, your friendship is nothing. So many people don't get this, it's really unfortunate. If you want friends, make them yourself and not through your children - problem solved.

If the friendship means a lot to you then perhaps rather than sending another message that you want to apologise, you could explain to her that her friendship meant a lot to you and you are sad about what has happened. Saying you want to apologise is maybe feeding into her feeling that you did something wrong, when you didn't. If she continues to be cold then you know she isnt the right friend for you.

She’s probably mortified, I would be too in her shoes. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but I don’t blame her for avoiding you. Just one of those really unfortunate situations.

What if you hadn't told the school and these messages were being sent around to others? You had to tell the school.

You had to do that OP , you had no choice . Your friend should have been magnanimous considering the circumstances.
You are upset over losing her as a friend but l don't see her as a friend because a friend wouldn't behave like this towards you , they would take responsibility and want to make amends for what happened not take umbrage .
You shouldn't have apologised and given her the 'high road' either .

Thanks

Yeah I did tell her. I feel really bad but equally the content of the message was really disturbing. It's hard to explain it here, but every other word was a swear word (c word, pussy etc..) and v graphic and the jist was 'go and kill yourself no-one likes you' which for a 10 year old was quite alarming. I just wanted to make the school aware this had happened for multiple reasons not least the welfare of the child who sent the message and that of my own child being on the receiving end..

You basically grassed on her child. I can understand why she doesn’t want to continue the friendship. You should have involved her in informing the school.

Possibly. I don't like that I've made her feel.like that though :(

This.

I doubt nothing you can do or say in this situation will work she is embarrassed and or feeling awkward. She may move on from it and come round but the likelihood is she won’t.

Yes I did. You are right. I think I also feel bad because 'grassing' is against my values. However, despite this person being a friend you never really know what goes on behind closed doors and I was worried about the welfare of the child that sent the message, other kids in the class and my own child. So I broke my no grassing code because I'm my mond childrens welfare is more important than not grassing..

I get it though. I know the friendship.is the casualty of my decision to inform school. It's just a shame really

I mean you had to know the second you involved the school about someone you considered a good friend’s child it would be friendship over.

Proper good friends rather than school gate only would of sorted it out between themselves while also keeping the evidence if she was just Jayne from baby group you’d been friends with for 10 years now and they didn’t share a school you wouldn’t of gone running to her child’s school would you? So she’s seen her place as a school gate mum who you don’t trust to now she knows keep an eye and fix the issue so she’s acting accordingly since your not “real” friends.

I can see both sides. You absolutely did the right thing by informing the school. State of the world these days you can't be too careful.

But from your friend's point of view, she's probably A) Mortified over what her kid has done and B) Perhaps a bit upset that you didn't try and resolve the issue with her first.

She's probably assuming that half the parents in the school will know as well...have you told her that you haven't told anyone else?

I haven't told her that I don't think. But I think she will know that I haven't told anyone. All the other mum's still love her! (She's got a v infectious personality and you can't help but like her!) And he child continues to have play dates etc.. with all the other kids in the friendship group.

Whatsapp is an app for 13 + for a reason.

Thanks everyone for being supportive. I don't really know what I hoped to get out of this thread as I know I can't really change the situation. But it's been helpful to have written it out and reflected a bit. Appreciate your comments and I understand the friendships over. I think I before I wrote this thread I half thought i could salvage it. But I think I just need to let go! It is what it is, unfortunately... and obviously I understand the other mum's perspective and don't blame her for wanting nothing to do with me.

You've done nothing wrong. Your child comes first and she's probably embarrassed. There's always a danger of this type of thing happening when children's friendships are at the heart of adults friendships. I think sometimes they aren't true friendships that last the distance, rather they are circumstantial and when the children move on, the friendship between the mums ends. It hurts when you're dumped by a friend but there's nothing you can do. She wasn't a proper mate if she can't get why you'd be concerned for your child over bullying.

I've just seen from your update that the boy is 10. In this case absolutely the right thing to inform the school, at that age they need to be aware and keeping an eye on him. It's really hard to 'sort things out between you' at primary school when they can't always clearly explain why they've done something. She should be wanting to know what has influenced him. You did the right thing.

Mine are too. But if my child wrote their child a message saying kill yourself, I would expect my friend to inform the school. In fact I would probably tell them they must inform the school, as I would if they told me their child got that text from anyone else. It would not affect the Mum friendship from my point of view at all.

Oh come on, “grassed”?! Are you 12 years old or an east end gangster?! 😂 Consequences of sending abusive messages really, isn’t it? I’d want a child that was encouraging mine to kill themselves watched like a hawk. Nice deflection to try and make out the OP is in the wrong rather than concentrating on the actual issue. OP spoke to the mum, and asked school to keep an eye out.

You did the right thing . Your child is more important than any friendship - she has behaved badly, better to know now . Sounds like you handled in best way possible

You did the right thing and if anyone asks why you aren’t friends, show them tbe text message! She should be apologizing to you - I’d be mortified if my kid did this and I’d be apologizing to you in the hope you’d keep it private. Her kid sounds like it needs a close eye kept on them so you were right to tell the school

It's over
She won't want to risk the school getting involved again.
Sorry