Lost a Friend I valued.

[SadAbout]

So there is a school mum I know who is really nice! Everyone likes her! She's v popular and down to earth and good fun to be around. Our children (12 and 10) are the same age and we used to get on really well to the point we'd go out for drinks with another mutual friend, go for coffee etc.. I considered her one of my best mum friends.

Then about 3 months ago her child sent a foul text message to my child, telling my child to kill himself and using awful language, telling him no-one likes him etc... She and her child apologized, but I told school about the message because it was v disturbing and I was a little worried about where this had come from, whether other kids were using this language in school etc.. and I also wanted the teachers to keep and eye on my child and her child and just check all was ok.

My 'friends' child is normally very sweet and since the incident my child and her child have continued to get along, but she has told her child that they cannot play with my child out of school or communicate with them on Whatsapp etc.. anymore. Fair enough, makes sense.

Anyway, I feel I've now lost this friend. She ignores me, and I don't think will ever want to go out for a coffee or drink again. I sent a message apologizing for informing school and asking if we could clear the air over r a coffee, but she doesn't want to. I get that.

I know it's my fault for telling school and it's fair enough she doesn't want to hang out or speak with me! But AIBU for feeling sad about the whole situation and that I've lost a friend that I had valued :(

I can't even talk to anyone else about it because no-one knows about the message her child sent my child and I don't want to tell anyone as he's a good kid and I am sure this was a one off and I don't want him or is mum to be judged.

I have been through a very similar thing, OP. Reading the replies has been really helpful actually.
I was good friends with my DC’s friend’s mum, but when the crack started appearing in the kids’ friendship, it became quite a tricky situation and I don’t think either of us knew how to handle it, tbh. She was in denial that her kid had done anything wrong and I was too afraid to talk about it directly.
It escalated and ended up with nasty messages so I had to get school involved. I would have preferred to talk it over with her but I think it was too hard for her and also me, so we never confronted it and then that was the end of both friendships (us and DC).
It’s sad but I think it’s for the best in the long run. It’s been a learning curve for both of us.

You did the right thing. For all you know, your child was not the only child such a message was sent to. Had it been sent to a more mentally vulnerable child, they might have actually tried to kill themselves. You were protecting children plural here, and telling the school was absolutely the right thing to do.

The only question going forward is is what's being said about why you two are no longer friends and how you handle it.

WTF? She sounds awful! How on earth can you doubt yourself? The school absolutely needed to know and your child deserves your backing, even at the risk of losing the 'cool mum' as your friend!

It’s not normal for a 10 year old to come out with such foul language and horrible remarks.
Personally I think you’re better off without your friend because she must know where her dc has learned that language and needs to protect him from whoever is using it whether it be family or media.

It's ok to feel sad about losing a friendship, OP.

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong and I also think it's completely understandable for her to have distanced herself when she told her child to do the same. As long as she's not causing problems for you with other mums then I would just grieve a bit and let it all be.

This is not that different from when a relative or friend breaks up/divorces and the end of their relationship also means the end of your relationship with their ex. That can be sad and tough to adjust to even though it's best to accept that end given the circumstances.

You're quickly coming to the end of the phase where your social life will be so closely linked to your DC, so I would acknowledge the sadness and then put some energy into some other social circles for yourself.

I wouldn't look at it as "grassing". You are actually safeguarding BOTH children and making sure there isn't a third child receiving anything like that.
The mum might be very embarrassed about her child's behaviour but I think she's being rather unfair to take it out on you. You have acted responsibly and not disclosed it to anyone else other than the school. I don't think she's being much of a friend to you and you are probably better off without her. It's unfortunate but you didn't choose the situation and have tried to address it with her and she can't be bothered to respond, so invest your energy in someone who treats you better.

i dine the same thing when my son was primary school. Our relationship recovered over time, we say hi and check in from time to time. It hasn't reverted to how it was, I think she feels she can't trust me.

We all have a duty of care, I really feel I did what I did for the right reasons and believe you did too. Well done, doing the right things isn't easy and doesn't always feel very nice.

So I was sort of on the other side of this.

Someone I considered a friend went to the school with a social problem between our children. She never mentioned any problem to me before or since. It caused issues for my child during important exam time. My child hadn't done anything wrong exactly, it was more of a misunderstanding that needed a bit of mediation.

Anyway, I do understand why she went to the school but I was really hurt that she didn't say anything to me either before or after. I can't even look at her anymore without feeling upset. And she avoids me and looks shifty whenever I do see her.

Such a shame as we've been round each other's houses, out for dinner and drinks, gym classes together etc.

But to be clear, I think you did the right thing telling the school.

Honestly she doesn't sound as nice as everyone thinks she is. She's excluding you and your child when you've done absolutely nothing wrong. Its not grassing to inform the school about worrying behaviour by children, it's safeguarding.

Better finding out now - move on.....

This isn't really the same though. Because (a) the op did speak to the friend, and (b) it wasn't a misunderstanding, the awful behaviour was there in black and white in a text message.

Erm….you’re not in the wrong here and don’t allow her to gaslight you into thinking you are and that you have to earn back her friendship.

Sure, I was just talking about the feeling of hurt. Maybe I wasn't clear enough about I meant.

OP hasn't described any sort of exclusion between the mums or the children. One mum not going out for 1-1 coffee dates with another mum isn't exclusion and neither is one child being told to stop child whatsapping and having playdates with another (particularly after conflict escalated to that level).

No one here has done anything wrong apart from the original text, which it sounds like has been dealt with appropriately. But it's sad to lose a friend, and it's ok for OP to be disappointed and wish things were different.

Gosh what a horrible thing to happen to your child! You did the right thing and frankly as she’s being so childish I’d probably let it slip to other mums what’s happened and take back the apology too…

But you didn’t make her feel like that… her spiteful, unmanaged own kid has shown up her own failings - as a parent.

Keep your head high, shoulders back, do not drop your crown 👑

Good luck.

OP fwiw given what you've described of the message I don't think you'd have been OTT to go to the police. She got off lightly that you only told the school in my view.

Any message from a peer telling a child to kill themselves should be reported to school. Huge safeguarding issue. Just because something happens outside of schools walls doesn’t mean it won’t have negative repercussions at school.

I am sorry it’s ended your friendship, it may just have been too mortifying for the other mum but to expect you not to tell the school wasn’t realistic of her. You may just need to take the end of the friendship on the chin. You did the right thing for your child.

Some people are not as nice or as reasonable as they appear.

You did nothing wrong - her child used very strong and threatening words and the school should be keeping an eye on them.

Maybe view the end of that particular friendship as a lucky escape!

But it’s not your fault. You did the right thing - by your child most importantly, but also hers. It’s on her if she takes a grudge against that.

shrug your shoulders and get on with life.

You did nothing wrong. A similar thing happened to me. I was friends with a mum at school, went to her house for dinner a few times. She then became a bit distant and wouldn’t respond to my messages, didn’t really bother me. Then her daughter told my son she wouldn’t be friends with him anymore if he didn’t stop playing with the brown child (his best friend). I went straight to the school to tell them. I still would have told the school even if the mum hadn’t distanced herself from me, they need to know these things imo. I got a phone call from the mum shouting and swearing that I was a disgrace blah blah blah and we ignored each other from that day onward. You haven’t lost a friend, how I looked at it, I wouldn’t want to be friends with these kinds of people anyway.

At the very least she’s probably mortified but who knows, it could be worse. They could be all sorts going on at home. Maybe she’s scared to pull on the thread. But it’s a big red flag… I hope she’s ok. But it’s not your fault and all you can do is reiterate that you are not judging and you are there if she wants to be friends.

I agree, there have been cases where a child has at least attempted if not committed suicide over this level of nasty bullying. The old sticks and stones... meme is bullshit, words can and do devestate people emotionally, that is why narcissists are so dangerous.

I think your insinuation that her child might have been exposed to something so serious that you needed to inform the school is misplaced and has rubbed her up the wrong way.

Presumably this didn't happen in school.
Presumably over the years you've trusted her enough to look after your child alone.

Yet instead of just talking to her and using that conversation to broach approaching school together as a united front about the issues of online safety, you've told tales that would have seen her called into school, when between you both you had leady resolved the problem and the kids were friends again.

I think you've put more anxiety of "what if" on this than the grounded reality: that her kid sent yours a really shitty, bullying text message, on a device neither should have unsupervised access to, and instead of just dealing with it the school.have been dragged in and for what really?

You had every right to tell the school but why then even talk to the mum and try dealing with it out of school? Doubling down on it feels unnecessary.

Why are you focusing on this Queen Bee who clearly didn't value you instead of patting yourself on the back for standing up for your child?! She isn't your friend and she should rightly be mortified and apologetic. Fuck her.