Lost a Friend I valued.

[SadAbout]

So there is a school mum I know who is really nice! Everyone likes her! She's v popular and down to earth and good fun to be around. Our children (12 and 10) are the same age and we used to get on really well to the point we'd go out for drinks with another mutual friend, go for coffee etc.. I considered her one of my best mum friends.

Then about 3 months ago her child sent a foul text message to my child, telling my child to kill himself and using awful language, telling him no-one likes him etc... She and her child apologized, but I told school about the message because it was v disturbing and I was a little worried about where this had come from, whether other kids were using this language in school etc.. and I also wanted the teachers to keep and eye on my child and her child and just check all was ok.

My 'friends' child is normally very sweet and since the incident my child and her child have continued to get along, but she has told her child that they cannot play with my child out of school or communicate with them on Whatsapp etc.. anymore. Fair enough, makes sense.

Anyway, I feel I've now lost this friend. She ignores me, and I don't think will ever want to go out for a coffee or drink again. I sent a message apologizing for informing school and asking if we could clear the air over r a coffee, but she doesn't want to. I get that.

I know it's my fault for telling school and it's fair enough she doesn't want to hang out or speak with me! But AIBU for feeling sad about the whole situation and that I've lost a friend that I had valued :(

I can't even talk to anyone else about it because no-one knows about the message her child sent my child and I don't want to tell anyone as he's a good kid and I am sure this was a one off and I don't want him or is mum to be judged.

YABU you have nothing to be sorry about you did exactly the right thing. If she was really a friend she would understand that and be disappointed with her own child not you.

You 100% did the right thing by informing school. It’s a very worrying thing to text child to child and needs flagging so support and help can be offered. School may know of other things goi g on and can join up the dots by having all relevant information.

You weren’t “grassing”. You were actively safeguarding. Which is the right thing to do. Always.

grassed? Is that what you call informing the school of completely inappropriate and potentially dangerous behaviour?
I feel sorry for your children if you have any

personally I think it was fine to tell the school, just so they could help if needed.

What do you mean grassing against your values. Protecting your child, whistle blowing, speaking up, highlighting behaviours that indicate a troubled child, you call these things ‘grassing’?

grassing is a term bullies use to stop people from informing others of the bullying. Don’t buy into that shit.

That was a seriously disturbing message, especially from, and to, a child.

If an adult sent me that message I’d have gone to the police.

You were left with no choice but to inform the school. She had a choice whether to continue her friendship with you or not.

The friendship has gone but that is her doing, not yours.

Did you post about it at the time? I remember something maybe before Christmas, and the advice was to involve the school. You did the right thing.

You 100% need to be on the side of your child in this situation. You also need to ensure your child has no inkling that you are sad about the loss of your friendship with the bully’s mother. FWIW I don’t think the message your child was sent is normal 10 year-old behaviour. The bullying child sounds quite disturbed. You have no way of knowing if it was a one-off incident or not. But given the explicitness of the language and the sentiment it seems unlikely. You were right to report.
It’s fine to feel sympathy for the bullying child and it’s fine to mourn the loss of a friend but by intervening and telling the school and generally being an adult and parenting effectively, you have shut down an incident which could have led to the coercive control of your DC. (This happens all too often). It could have become much, much worse. We don’t parent in isolation and the cost of taking a stand is sometimes quite high. But you have done the right thing and the only thing you could do in the circumstances.
You have nothing to apologise to this woman for. Stay courteous but accept the friendship is over. Find new friends. You are modelling behaviour that shows your DC that you won’t make a drama out of a crisis and you won’t gossip or spread tittle-tatter but you do have firm boundaries and you are prepared to step up and intervene when you have to on their behalf. You have done the right thing.

But it seems that the kids still get along OK.

I think you sound pretty decent and you're measured in your post. This is just one of those situations where it was really meant to happen.

Leave it alone now. Don't hanker after her.

I personally would expect a friend to come to me and tell me all the details. I would respond and not ignore something like this. I would really struggle with the friend and whether it was actually a good friend if they told school personally. But I'd also have to accept that the friendship would be tainted anyway if my own child sent a message saying kill yourself to their child.

It’s a shame about the friendship but it ended when her child sent that message to yours really, you haven’t done anything wrong. I personally wouldn’t want to continue the friendship with someone whose kid had sent messages like that, and who then reacted how she has. Plenty more fish in the sea OP, you’ll make new friends.

@SadAbout You did the right thing by informing the school. You also spoke to her about it and I personally feel like she should be apologising to you. She should be beyond mortified that her child could do such a thing and should have tried to make amends with you and hopefully is seeking professional help for her child’s mental wellbeing especially if the text came out of the blue and he’s normally not like that.

You should not have apologised to her because you are looking out for the best interests of your child. You haven’t even shared the message with anyone except the school. Imagine if an adult such a horrible message? Would you have brushed it off as a one-off? Most people would have gotten the police involved had an adult sent such a message so rest assured, you did the right thing and I think this child got off quite lightly. If it was in secondary school and to send a threatening message like that, the child might have gotten suspended etc.

@SadAbout Your friends son message was disturbing and unacceptable. The mum and child apologised to you and presumably your child , so am not sure why you felt the need to tell the school.

Re maintaining this friendship, would you not think it’s weird to go out for coffee and cake with a mum whose son you reported to the school, despite them both apologising to you and your child?

@Optimist2020 Even if the mum and child have apologised, it’s not something that should be brushed under the carpet. School should be aware in case this behaviour escalated or if others received similar threatening messages. A child should not be having unsupervised access to any device without parental control. This sort of message should be taken seriously regardless of the age of the person writing the message. There might be deeper underlying behavioural issues that need to be addressed, hidden cyber bullying that might have gone unnoticed etc. so OP was absolutely right to contact the school.

I agree it shouldn’t be swept under the carpet . But surely anyone would see, if you report your friends child to school for their behaviour, to then expect said friends mum to meet for lunch / cocktails just wouldn’t work.

Thanks. Yeah it can be hard to do what we feel is right

I'm sorry you lost your friend. But you've still got your child and you were absolutely right to inform the school and keep them apprised about something so serious. You just never know what's going on and how far something reaches.

thanks everyone

I don’t want to sound the voice of doom, but be prepared for ramifications within the wider parental group. It will be noticed that you two have fallen out and the popular, other mum, may promote her own version of the reasons why. Be prepared!

A very similar thing happened to me OP. I was devastated at losing my friend but I could not understand why my ex-friend did not see the bigger picture (her child got in the middle of some bullying that was going on). I would not have reacted in the same way. But I guess we can’t ever really understand what is going on in people’s heads, even good friends. I still grieve her, 2 years on. Good luck. And don’t feel bad, it’s sadly life.

It sounds as if your child is being punished by the other child for telling you about the horrific text, and that this woman has been doing a good job all this time of being a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her approach seems to me to be that of a parent who wants to protect her child from false accusations, not the behaviour of someone who wants to repair the damage her child has caused.

You should not have apologised for telling the school. The other parent should have come groveling to you. I hope the child is now under observation and that the parents were appropriately hauled over the coals.

Tell your child he or she did nothing wrong in showing you the text, and that the former friend needs to be given the ten foot bargepole treatment. Two can play at that game.

I sincerely hope you'll continue to look at your child's phone and that you'll continue to model how not to be a doormat. Ask your child to keep on telling you what way the wind is blowing wrt the other child in school.

Yes to this.

I think you'll find the mask will fall.

Don't be tempted to take the high road.

The reason to inform the school is that the message was vile and extremely disturbing, and required investigation by the school - that kind of sentiment and behaviour doesn't arise in a vacuum.

Just wanted to add that I had a similar situation where two other children were involved, one Mum was completely reasonable about the school being informed and it didn't impact our friendship at all he other one kicked off massively. I think it says something about your friend that she has reacted like this. Not every parent would punish you in this situation so maybe although she's gregarious and charming she isn't the most solid friend material for the long run.

I would be suspicious over her behaviour, I wonder what really happens at home for her child to behave in such a disturbing way. It’s far off from your regular early-teen unpleasantness. Perhaps she feels she has been exposed somewhat or school are observing her and maybe she’s not exactly who you think she is.

Maybe she’s embarrassed and can’t face you. Maybe she’s secretly got a nasty side which only comes out at home and she’s afraid of it being exposed. The thing is you’ll never know. With time and some space you will move past it, for now be damn proud of yourself for putting your child first and showing them who really matters. Imagine if it was the other way around and you did nothing - even if the other kid said sorry it’s really not enough in this situation - but doing nothing would have been signalling to your child it’s ok to accept this behaviour.