Lost a Friend I valued.

131 replies

SadAbout · 19/03/2025 17:23

So there is a school mum I know who is really nice! Everyone likes her! She's v popular and down to earth and good fun to be around. Our children (12 and 10) are the same age and we used to get on really well to the point we'd go out for drinks with another mutual friend, go for coffee etc.. I considered her one of my best mum friends.

Then about 3 months ago her child sent a foul text message to my child, telling my child to kill himself and using awful language, telling him no-one likes him etc... She and her child apologized, but I told school about the message because it was v disturbing and I was a little worried about where this had come from, whether other kids were using this language in school etc.. and I also wanted the teachers to keep and eye on my child and her child and just check all was ok.

My 'friends' child is normally very sweet and since the incident my child and her child have continued to get along, but she has told her child that they cannot play with my child out of school or communicate with them on Whatsapp etc.. anymore. Fair enough, makes sense.

Anyway, I feel I've now lost this friend. She ignores me, and I don't think will ever want to go out for a coffee or drink again. I sent a message apologizing for informing school and asking if we could clear the air over r a coffee, but she doesn't want to. I get that.

I know it's my fault for telling school and it's fair enough she doesn't want to hang out or speak with me! But AIBU for feeling sad about the whole situation and that I've lost a friend that I had valued :(

I can't even talk to anyone else about it because no-one knows about the message her child sent my child and I don't want to tell anyone as he's a good kid and I am sure this was a one off and I don't want him or is mum to be judged.

OP posts:

Here4theWizeOnes · 22/03/2025 20:27

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 22/03/2025 05:15

I would be suspicious over her behaviour, I wonder what really happens at home for her child to behave in such a disturbing way. It’s far off from your regular early-teen unpleasantness. Perhaps she feels she has been exposed somewhat or school are observing her and maybe she’s not exactly who you think she is.

Maybe she’s embarrassed and can’t face you. Maybe she’s secretly got a nasty side which only comes out at home and she’s afraid of it being exposed. The thing is you’ll never know. With time and some space you will move past it, for now be damn proud of yourself for putting your child first and showing them who really matters. Imagine if it was the other way around and you did nothing - even if the other kid said sorry it’s really not enough in this situation - but doing nothing would have been signalling to your child it’s ok to accept this behaviour.

Agree with this poster, a therapist acquaintance once told me that it's not uncommon for the most shiny and attractive people to be the ones who have the most troubled and unpleasant personality traits once you dig a bit deeper... I tend to trust people who don't go to such great lengths to be popular a bit more.

GravyBoatWars · 22/03/2025 23:46

mathanxiety · 21/03/2025 23:44

It sounds as if your child is being punished by the other child for telling you about the horrific text, and that this woman has been doing a good job all this time of being a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her approach seems to me to be that of a parent who wants to protect her child from false accusations, not the behaviour of someone who wants to repair the damage her child has caused.

You should not have apologised for telling the school. The other parent should have come groveling to you. I hope the child is now under observation and that the parents were appropriately hauled over the coals.

Tell your child he or she did nothing wrong in showing you the text, and that the former friend needs to be given the ten foot bargepole treatment. Two can play at that game.

I sincerely hope you'll continue to look at your child's phone and that you'll continue to model how not to be a doormat. Ask your child to keep on telling you what way the wind is blowing wrt the other child in school.

How exactly is the other child punishing OP's?

Do you actually think that a parent saying "you need to apologize for your horrible treatment to your classmate and you've lost the option to have one-on-one time with them from now on" was an unacceptable reaction from that parent? OP says the child apologized and there have been no further issues in group settings and she supports the other mum's decision for the children not to be whatsapping or having playdates. Why do you think there's a "game" being played?

Missj25 · 25/03/2025 08:17

BobbyBiscuits · 19/03/2025 18:20

If she won't speak to you anymore over it she wasn't much of a friend. You tried to clear the air and make it clear you didn't hold it against her, the kids are friends again. Frankly the text was awful and if my kid did that I'd be mortified. It's not like she was wrongly accused.
Telling children to kill themselves is serious bullying and of course should involve the school.

I agree the text was awful, & OP you say it’s a one off & it won’t happen again , how do you know though , I feel he has shown a side to him now it was necessary to tell the school so an eye can be kept & they are aware ..
Also , I’d be glad they’re only friends in school 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Therefore then it would be hard to remain friends with this child’s mother , given maybe it’s for the best that the children aren’t mixing out of school …

Canterranter · 25/03/2025 08:27

I think 'grassing up' sounds like something out of a Martina Cole novel. Usually used when someone is deciding whether or not to speak up about a crime.
You did the right thing Op. You had to tell the school, for the sake of other children who might have been targeted in the future. It's a shame that you've lost this friend, that was probably inevitable, but you did nothing wrong.

IlooklikeNigella · 25/03/2025 08:31

You absolutely did the right thing within a difficult situation OP. What if something happened to her child or your child and you had to live with the knowledge you didn't take appropriate steps because of friendship loyalty.

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/03/2025 08:39

You’ve not done anything wrong but at the same time I can understand why this means the end of your friendship.

I think you’ve just got to grieve and move on.

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