Lost a Friend I valued.

[SadAbout]

So there is a school mum I know who is really nice! Everyone likes her! She's v popular and down to earth and good fun to be around. Our children (12 and 10) are the same age and we used to get on really well to the point we'd go out for drinks with another mutual friend, go for coffee etc.. I considered her one of my best mum friends.

Then about 3 months ago her child sent a foul text message to my child, telling my child to kill himself and using awful language, telling him no-one likes him etc... She and her child apologized, but I told school about the message because it was v disturbing and I was a little worried about where this had come from, whether other kids were using this language in school etc.. and I also wanted the teachers to keep and eye on my child and her child and just check all was ok.

My 'friends' child is normally very sweet and since the incident my child and her child have continued to get along, but she has told her child that they cannot play with my child out of school or communicate with them on Whatsapp etc.. anymore. Fair enough, makes sense.

Anyway, I feel I've now lost this friend. She ignores me, and I don't think will ever want to go out for a coffee or drink again. I sent a message apologizing for informing school and asking if we could clear the air over r a coffee, but she doesn't want to. I get that.

I know it's my fault for telling school and it's fair enough she doesn't want to hang out or speak with me! But AIBU for feeling sad about the whole situation and that I've lost a friend that I had valued :(

I can't even talk to anyone else about it because no-one knows about the message her child sent my child and I don't want to tell anyone as he's a good kid and I am sure this was a one off and I don't want him or is mum to be judged.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t apologise for safeguarding your child and informing the school…!! I’ve done the same thing. Me and that mum are still friends. I’ve lost another mum friend through similar. Mum friends are just friends whilst you’re kids are at school together.

Eh? You have done absolutely nothing wrong, that text was outrageous especially as the boy was 10!! She is avoiding you as she is embarrassed I would think, I doubt she blames you for telling the school, anyone would know it's a safeguarding matter. Things may blow over in time, you will be bound to cross paths with her at some point.

It’s actually up to her to fix and salvage this op.

It’s your child that has been harmed and hurt by the actions of her child. In her place I would have apologised for putting you in such a difficult position, and understood why you needed to inform the school. It’s a poor reflection on her to have turned down the opportunity to talk it through.

Honestly op she might be fun, but she isn’t a good friend, nor does she have the maturity to take some responsibility. I suspect things aren’t quite so picture perfect for her, and the infectious personality might be hiding something deeper.

Children that behave as her child has have real issues, it is not normal or acceptable. I imagine she is embarrassed that it’s been exposed, but she should have approached you, not the other way around. Stand back a little, and don’t pander to her. Let her come to you. You have done nothing wrong.

If someone sent my child that message I would not be apologising for telling the school! Your child comes first.

What did she say when you asked to meet to clear the air ?

She's probably feeling deeply ashamed and embarrassed that her child has done this. I would be. That's probably it.

Fuck her and her friendship - her kid was in the wrong - good they apologised but for all you know it might be a one off for your kid but they could well be doing it to others. Your choice to involve the school - maybe she sees it as harsh but then it is a tough lesson for her kid to learn there are consequences for their actions.
I suspect she is embarrassed and that is unfortunate but not your fault.

For text messages of the kind you describe, the parents would be called in by the school to discuss as they'd raise a huge safeguarding issue (my OH is primary school teacher), which means it will also be on her son's record now, just before he goes to secondary school. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have told the school, but if she was such a good friend and was mortified and the son apologised, I'm not sure why you didn't draw a line under it as a first-time offence, so to speak, unless deep down you think there is an issue with what's going on in their home?

Why have kids this age got phones??? Absolute madness.

Good riddance, where did her 10 year old learn all that from.

her child sent a foul text message to my child, telling my child to kill himself and using awful language, telling him no-one likes him etc.

Did people not read and take this in? There's been posting akin to victim blaming on this thread.

It absolutely needed to be fed back to school, this isn't something a nice lad makes a mistake over, it's something that needs addressing.

Sad to say, this woman was a good acquaintance, but not a good friend @SadAbout She's probably, quite rightly, mortified, but it's not a very mature resolution to cut contact with you rather than act like an adult and talk it out. Hope your son is ok.

You did the right thing! She probably just wants to forget about the awful thing her son did and everytime she sees you she's reminded of it. It's sad but you have done nothing wrong neither has she. I wouldn't let my son be around this kid anymore though..

This. You shouldn’t have apologised for telling the school. It was important that they knew. I hope she’s just ashamed.

Thanks everyone. Mumsnet can be quite supportive and helpful sometimes. Appreciate the comments as it's helping me put things into perspective.

Telling the school was absolutely the right thing to do for so many reasons. Unfortunately there was collateral damage but you son was protected and that is the main thing.

I would wonder what caused such as sudden deviation from that child's normal behaviour. Perhaps there is something going on / went on behind the closed door that your "friend" would not want you knowing about or risk finding out about? What her son did turned a spotlight onto her family life, maybe? and she had to shut down the possiblity of your scrutiny and/or judgment.

Neither of you have done wrong. Unfortunately you became mum friends thru the kids and it was always a possibility they might fall out. I think sadly you have to put it down to a bad job and try and find new friends

Your post doesn’t make sense to me. It’s such a safeguarding issue that school’s take it so seriously that it will be on this child’s record going to secondary… and then you imply because the mother is a good friend school shouldn’t be informed. If it is such a big safe guarding issue (and it is!) then it’s imperative school is told. For both the children. The child who sent the message needs supporting. It’s unusual and serious behaviour - they need support and potentially some level of investigation as to any potential underlying concerns at home, school or elsewhere. It’s important secondary school know for a multitude of reasons but especially it is in the best interests of this child of the op’s friend.

I wouldn't feel bad - that child had crossed a line

About 20minutes west 😂 couldn’t think of a better way to put it. That’s what happened.

I can't get my head around the fact that you want to still fawn over the mother of the little shit that texted your child to go and kill himself!

What message does that send your child!

I'd have dumped the woman and her awful child immediately.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

"Grassing" is only bad to the person who's being "grassed" on. To everyone else, it's not letting people get away with stuff.

You did absolutely the right thing telling the school. They need to know what's going on in that kid's head. I doubt very much your child is the only one who's received such horrible messages.

Please don't ever apologise for putting your child first.

The child sent your child a horrendous and disturbing message and you did the responsible thing reporting it to the school. Imagine if he had sent the message to a more sensitive or depressed child who went on to take the disturbing instructions in the message seriously? You do not need to apologise. Hold your head up high and wait to see if she comes to you once she sees sense and comes to terms with how awful and embarrassing her child's behaviour was on this occasion.

It’s tricky but probably for the best. You will always be wary of her child and understandably so. Being mates with your child’s friends parents, often backfires.

This is very serious what her son did it’s not just I don’t like you anymore message

You did the most responsible thing by telling the school as this could be something he or others are doing and some children may not have told their parents

I don’t think children act like this and it’s completely out of character and most of us know a parent who plays down their child’s bad behaviour

If your child, had actually killed themselves. Would you be so eager to be back in her favour OP?

Seriously dude I can't quite believe I'm what I'm reading.

Stop covering up for her. Do you think she's being quiet about whatever crap she's telling people to why you're frozen out?