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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

343 replies

Lucielue79 · 19/03/2025 06:03

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

OP posts:
ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 09:49

No, it's silly to think you can ever hide that. She'll see you upset or at the very least hear you talking about funeral arrangements, you cannot hide something like that, it's impossible. Better to tell her, I doubt it would disturb her exams, unless she has to go to the funeral at exam time and make up the exam.

Wait.... what? Why couldn't she attend the funeral? Of course she'd have to go to the funeral! She'd have her exam re-scheduled, that is standard practice! To not go to your grandmother's funeral because of some exam is utterly unthinkable, I honestly don't know what is giving you that mindset. The school will fully be expecting your daughter to go to the funeral!!!

treesandsun · 19/03/2025 09:51

I think not telling her would be a mistake. I would contact the school and inform them of the situation. There is a special considerations form they can fill in with information on anything that might have has an impact on their exam performance.

StScholastica · 19/03/2025 09:51

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.
Sometimes IME watching a person suffer and die is harder than living with the aftermath.

Talk to your DD, you might find that it is now that she needs support to deal with the worry and stress and that as a bereaved person, that worry about the poorly relative lifts.

Everyone is different and copes differently and I feel that as a general rule talking openly is the best course of action.

MementoMountain · 19/03/2025 09:52

More to the point, OP, can you and your daughter visit your mum now, before you lose her? Or is she in a different country?

The one thing most people say after a loss is that they wish they'd gone to visit one more time, or for longer, or earlier, or said more. My daughter actually put her foot down and insisted that she would visit my dying mum, and that her cousins should stop being vague about going "some time soon" and do so too.

CantStopMoving · 19/03/2025 09:52

Since exams are still a little under 2 months away and presumably your child knows their grandparent is ill, I would sit them down now and discuss this. They can tell you what they want to know when and if you want to attend funeral etc. I don’t think you could hide it if you tried. I think now is the time for them to come to terms with it than a sudden shock just before an exam.

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 09:54

CantStopMoving · 19/03/2025 09:52

Since exams are still a little under 2 months away and presumably your child knows their grandparent is ill, I would sit them down now and discuss this. They can tell you what they want to know when and if you want to attend funeral etc. I don’t think you could hide it if you tried. I think now is the time for them to come to terms with it than a sudden shock just before an exam.

Yes, start preparing now. And contact the school so they can have plans in place in case the funeral is during exam time. Naturally she will have to go to the funeral.

FiguringLifeOutOneFuckUpAtATime · 19/03/2025 09:59

I have a friend who's eldest daughter (aged 17) refused any contact with him for 1.5 years because he failed to tell her her great-grandad had passed away. She found out via another family member. She was well aware he was dying, but felt hurt my friend hadn't informed her immediately.

For the sake of your relationship, please start preparing her now so that she can process it before the time comes. It will be so much worse for her if the news comes out of the blue or potentially from somebody else.

I am so sorry you face losing your mom 💐 it will be incredibly hard for you, please don't make it more difficult by trying to maintain a front with your daughter x

CantStopMoving · 19/03/2025 09:59

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 09:54

Yes, start preparing now. And contact the school so they can have plans in place in case the funeral is during exam time. Naturally she will have to go to the funeral.

Show quote history

I don’t think it is unreasonable to miss the funeral for an exam. I think it depends on the child, the family, the exam etc. if I asked my parents now and asked if they were ill and there was this risk, I know they would say go to the exam and do well for them! But if the child is too upset to sit the exam then there is no point. Everyone is different in this situation and I don’t think it is right to say someone has to go to a funeral. This would be a discussion surely between everyone to decide best course of action.

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 10:00

Lucielue79 · 19/03/2025 06:19

If the funeral was during the exams I’m guessing you can’t miss an exam due to funeral attendance.

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Of course you can! Are you really serious!? You cannot miss a funeral for some exam, that can be made up later. The school will be fully expecting her to attend the funeral.

Are you honestly telling us you won't let your daughter attend her own grandmothers funeral just because of an exam? Your priorities are wrong if so.

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 10:01

CantStopMoving · 19/03/2025 09:59

I don’t think it is unreasonable to miss the funeral for an exam. I think it depends on the child, the family, the exam etc. if I asked my parents now and asked if they were ill and there was this risk, I know they would say go to the exam and do well for them! But if the child is too upset to sit the exam then there is no point. Everyone is different in this situation and I don’t think it is right to say someone has to go to a funeral. This would be a discussion surely between everyone to decide best course of action.

Show quote history

But exams can always be re-scheduled! Funerals is the main reason that warrants it.

So she won't be missing the exam.

But funerals can't be re-done, can they.

anyolddinosaur · 19/03/2025 10:02

If your daughter is terribly upset then you discuss with the school if exam boards will make any adjustment for this. I doubt it but you can ask.

Let her know now that her grandmother is seriously ill and ask her if anything happens would she like you to try and arrange the funeral on a non exam day.

Worried861 · 19/03/2025 10:03

Truly truly awful idea. If you think they're close enough that her knowing will make her fail her exams then what a cruel thing to do to not tell her at the time and let her grieve. She is not a little girl.

GCSEs aren't important enough to be lying to your kids about things like this.

ThePiglet · 19/03/2025 10:04

I wonder OP if this is partly a way for you to displace your own (anticipatory) grief?

I think you might be underestimating the effect that bereavement has on you, even if you aren't a crier. I went slightly mad after my father died and was very "foggy". I think it would be very confusing for a 15/16 yo not to understand why her parent is acting unusually. Also - even if done with the kindest intentions - the deception will be very difficult for your daughter to take.

I really wouldn't do this, as others say this will not be the first time the school has dealt with this. She can submit coursework, or sit an exam later, etc if she needs to and you can arrange the funeral around her attendance.

TheMissingLinkHasBeenFound · 19/03/2025 10:06

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 10:01

But exams can always be re-scheduled! Funerals is the main reason that warrants it.

So she won't be missing the exam.

But funerals can't be re-done, can they.

Show quote history

She will be missing the exam. She'll be missing it and fail and have to do a resit in November. No reschedule.

If people could reschedule for whatever reason easily, it would be a nightmare. The exam boards would have to produce different papers, get them marked to different answer schemes and in a tighter deadline.

All that might happen is that the school could ask for special consideration and maybe do something similar to a CAG. But it would need a lot of evidence, and granny dying isn't a strong enough reason...unless perhaps the child lived with granny etc.

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 10:07

TheMissingLinkHasBeenFound · 19/03/2025 10:06

She will be missing the exam. She'll be missing it and fail and have to do a resit in November. No reschedule.

If people could reschedule for whatever reason easily, it would be a nightmare. The exam boards would have to produce different papers, get them marked to different answer schemes and in a tighter deadline.

All that might happen is that the school could ask for special consideration and maybe do something similar to a CAG. But it would need a lot of evidence, and granny dying isn't a strong enough reason...unless perhaps the child lived with granny etc.

Edited
Show quote history

No, she won't. That's not how it works. It's not like just.... not turning up and then being failed.

You make plans and the test is rescheduled for you.

CantStopMoving · 19/03/2025 10:08

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 10:01

But exams can always be re-scheduled! Funerals is the main reason that warrants it.

So she won't be missing the exam.

But funerals can't be re-done, can they.

Show quote history

but surely that is the choice of the child in question? If she doesn’t want to go and would rather sit the exam and the parents support that then surely that is what she should do? These things are 100%the choice of the family in question. There is zero protocol for this.

Hoppinggreen · 19/03/2025 10:09

You know best how everyone will react.
I could have told my DC and they might have been a bit sad but it wouldn't have affected their exams or anything like that as they weren't close.
I was ok when my Mum died too, in fact for a variety of reasons it was a good outcome to a bad situation and I was glad she had done it on her own terms

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 10:09

CantStopMoving · 19/03/2025 10:08

but surely that is the choice of the child in question? If she doesn’t want to go and would rather sit the exam and the parents support that then surely that is what she should do? These things are 100%the choice of the family in question. There is zero protocol for this.

Show quote history

Sure it's a choice, but if the child is close enough to be upset over the death that she'd failed an exam, she will obviously want to attend the funeral, surely? That's common sense.

BlueJay12 · 19/03/2025 10:12

OP, my father in law died suddenly last year, albeit he had been ill for some time, 2 days before the exams started. DD was extremely close to him and we couldn't not tell her, that would have been all kinds of wrong for our family. And, there would be no way to hide it. She was understandably devastated but we told the school immediately who informed the exam boards as there is protocol for such things. They do take into account the familial relationship, the proximity to exams etc and they also look at mocks etc to judge the impact the bereavement has had on the student's exam performance and can make adjustments when marking. In the end she nailed her exams and we always say he was there with her, but in our experience the school was brilliant and handled it sensitively and appropriately. Only you can judge how your child will react to the news if your mum does pass. We also managed to arrange the funeral for a non-exam day.
I wish you all well, it must be awful for you all.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 19/03/2025 10:14

It's completely fine not to tell her if she dies on a morning and DD has an exam that afternoon. Any more than that you need to tell her. Not telling her would be a huge breach of trust. Also at GCSE age she likely has family members on social media so you don't want her finding out from someone else!

Tell her now she's unwell and may not have long left. Let her spend time with her, let her come to terms with it. An unexpected death is different to one that you know is coming but not exactly when. Let your mum tell her how proud she is of her studying, and wants her to do well.

Organise the funeral for a day she doesn't have exams. You can pick dates.

TheMissingLinkHasBeenFound · 19/03/2025 10:14

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 10:07

No, she won't. That's not how it works. It's not like just.... not turning up and then being failed.

You make plans and the test is rescheduled for you.

Show quote history

No it isn't.

You ask the school to put in special consideration. They MIGHT be able to submit work and the child gets a grade based on that. But the likely thing to happen is they will have to do the exams during the resits in November.

They do not "reschedule" exams for the candidate. It's not like they will say oh, okay, go to the funeral on Monday, you can just sit it on wednesday ". They would maybe do it with an exam clash, but the child would have to be in isolation/supervision all the time.

Otherwise,if it was easy to reschedule, THOUSANDS of candidates would do this to get an advantage.

987654321abc · 19/03/2025 10:16

Please tell her - my mum has withheld information from me in the past, with good intention, but it has damaged me. I can’t trust her, and live in constant anxiety that any one of my family could be ill or dying and I wouldn’t know. Please tell her and prove to her that you think she is strong enough to cope.

CantStopMoving · 19/03/2025 10:18

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 10:09

Sure it's a choice, but if the child is close enough to be upset over the death that she'd failed an exam, she will obviously want to attend the funeral, surely? That's common sense.

Show quote history

Not necessarily. My grandparents lived 250 miles from me. I attended their funerals but it involved travelling up a long journey the night before. Family in and out so lots of noise and disruption- not conducive to revision. Lots of waiting around. Then there is the service. Then food after. Then The long journey home. Potentially there are exams the day before and the day after the funeral. Funerals are draining. It isn’t just the day itself just popping in. No idea of the OP’s situation but sometimes practicalities dictate what is and is not the right thing to do and how the child feels.

user5213768943 · 19/03/2025 10:21

Predicting a death is a very inexact science - they said 6mths for my mother, she lived 6 weeks.
My grandmothers nursing home said come now she’ll not last the night, still going, although very sick 3 months later…

At 15/16 I think you should make your DD aware that your DM isnt well.
If she dies the day of an exam keep quiet till its done, but otherwise tell her - long term a death of a close family member will be more important than an exam you can resit if necessary.

Rosesanddaffs · 19/03/2025 10:22

@Lucielue79 I’d tell her, if she knows your mum is sick then she might want to spend time with her/say her goodbyes etc

I’m so sorry you are going through this, losing a parent is so hard xx