To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

I’m an exam invigilator. Please tell the school now, things will be put in place in case this arises. I had a pupil who lost a close relative the day before an exam. The school let me know that morning. The pupil was adamant they wanted to sit, so information was passed to the exam board. I sat the pupil at the back in case they wanted to leave and let them know I would help in any way I could. I’m sure every invigilator would do the same. Sorry you are in this position.

First off, no one has died yet so don’t jump the gun.

Part of being a parent, is teaching your children how to deal with life. When she is an adult, she will have to manage working with everyday life events - some upsetting. As a teen she will have the support of family to help her through, which is great because when you’re an adult, you don’t always have that. That gives her space to learn.

Additionally, you would be sending out a message that’s it’s ok to cover up and hide things from people- Which it’s not the message you want to send to a teen. You are also giving a strange message about the value of her relationship with her grandmother and feelings around death.

Dont do it. Dying is a natural thing to happen and it’s important that she sees her family deal with that in a HEALTHY way. She will also be learning how to regulate her emotions under stressful circumstances, which is a really important life lesson.

No, do not do this. It will irreparably harm your relationship with your DD. My niece and nephew’s father died suddenly two weeks before GCSE and A level exams started, and they still sat them all and did well. Got 5% leeway in marking.

No 100% don't lie to her. I think she might be very angry about that down the line. She is too old for you to lie to her about something this big.

My husband's grandmother died 3 weeks before my son's GCSEs and her funeral was on the day of his first GCSE exam. He had to miss the funeral for the exam, then deal with 20 more exams. We really worried about the impact but he coped ok, and his highest grade was in the subject he sat on the day of the funeral.

I know a grandmother is not the same as a great grandmother, but they were still close. I wanted to reassure you that it was less awful in reality than we had anticipated. DC coped really well. I was extremely cross that the organiser hadn't taken his exams into consideration but in hindsight I don't think it would have been any better if the funeral had been scheduled to slot in amongst the exams. Emotionally lurching from exam, to funeral, to exam again would have been tough too.

You could apply for special consideration though the % adjustments through that are very small.

Do NOT do this. I had the same thing happen to me at 18/19 (now almost 35) and I was kept in the dark with NO chance to say goodbye. It is the WORST thing ever. I have never processed her death and never forgiven my family for doing this. She will never forgive you. She’s old enough to deal with it so don’t ruin your relationship with her and let her say goodbye in her own way. It’s bad enough loosing a relative without having to deal with a fall out too.

You really cannot do this. Start preparing daughters now about how unwell Grandma is .
Sadly my Mm died very suddenly and my daughter was ar Uni mid exams,,,absolutely no way would she not have been told!
She took her exams a couple of months later.

I’m sorry I didn’t see your earlier post that you had gone through something similar (as did I), sorry you all had to go through that.
My daughter did Art and a language so her exams started in April, last one was in the third week of June. I think this is the problem with this idea though, she could literally pass away on the first day of exams because who knows? Even delaying telling her daughter by a week I think is such a hurtful idea.

I dont think you should hide this. I've had quite a lot of deaths in my family and the children and young adults have always coped really well because there is open discussions around what is happening and what to expect. Its hard but you can't push away the difficult parts of life. I'm sorry you're going through this and you only want to protect her but you can't unfortunately.

Children don't need to be protected from unpleasant realities, unless they are very young. If you keep your daughter in the dark, the message you are sending her is 'I don't think you can cope'.

No, I'd never withhold something like that. A similar thing was done to me by my well-meaning parent, and it really shook my trust. It's important to me to be able to assume that everything is OK because id be told if it wasn't. To know that someone would take it upon themselves to hide something important made me feel less secure and more anxious.

Even if young, when it comes to death you don't necessarily need to protect them. Just address in an age appropriate way. Kids are resilient and accept things.

@Lucielue79

Is there a tutor at her school who has a pastoral care remit for her year to whom you could speak confidentially in the next few weeks? They may be able to advise on how to broach the situation with the teachers for the subjects she will be taking.

But surely you just arrange the funeral for a day/time DD can attend?
My beloved grandad died during my o levels - my parents wouldn't let me visit him in his final days because exams and it's one of the big regrets of my life.

I would never forgive you, or trust you again if you did that to me.

You say she wouldn't notice as you're not a big crier but the atmosphere in the home will be different, she'll at least sense something is wrong and will probably be thinking worst case scenario anyway!

And I'm going through similar with my son and my ex's mum, she's not got very long left to live either and he's about to start his GCSEs too.

But you're going to potentially deny her the chance to say goodbye to her grandparent, and you get exam timetables months in advance we already have ours - surely you'd arrange the funeral around that if necessary?

I work invigilating exams and the best thing you can do is contact the schools exams officer and explain the situation. They will be able to give you clearer answers

My Dad died on the wednesday of week 2 of sons GCSes. We told him on the Friday after exams on Thu and Friday. He then had half term then 2 more weeks of exams. Didn't feel right to delay any longer than that as he knew Grandad was ill and kept asking about him. Delayed funeral til after exams

As a 34 year old adult, I think I’d struggle looking back at my mum if she took away me attending my nans funeral in replacement of exams.

I’m going to add to the ‘it’s a terrible idea’ posts. I was very close to my grandmother and wouldn’t have forgiven my parents if they’d kept it from me. I got a lot of closure from seeing her in the chapel of rest and saying my goodbyes in hospital. You’ll not be able to hide it and it wouldn’t be good for your own mental health to try.

I know you are trying to protect her but I fear you’ll do the opposite. You normally have a degree of notice and choice funeral so you would have a chance to plan around exams

I’ve done this recently for various reasons. They still don’t know months after. However they havent seen her in recent years.

I'm presuming that this is an attempt at sarcasm? There is no way would GCSEs be shifted around for one candidate.

There is a Contingency Day(s) in the event of national or significant local disruption to examinations in the United Kingdom but nothing for individuals.

You sit the exam at the time specified and do your best. You might get a small percentage special consideration for personal events, such as a death, extensive trauma, seriously ill etc etc but it's not a lot.

I would 100% hold off telling her. You aren’t lying you are just delaying when you tell her. I would totally understand if my parents had to do this. I don’t know what her plans are after secondary school but she could potentially miss a course if her grades aren’t at the required standard, you’ll never know if that B would have been an A if she hadn’t known and thrown her off. It won’t stop her grieving you’re just delaying when she does. If she asks you outright you’ll have to say but for the sake of a week or so I would. Her grandmother would understand….. I’ll even tell my children do the same with their children when it’s my time to go. Their future comes first and exams are absolutely crucial especially in this day and age x

Presumably you’ll be arranging the funeral? Speak to your DD to find out whether she would like to go or not, and then try to book around exam days.

In my view, not telling your child her grandmother has died is very odd and she’s not likely to thank you. In fact, the more I think of it the more terrible it sounds!

If you want her to never trust you again go ahead

@Lucielue79 OP I get your dilemma. We want the best for our kids and they work hard and you want them to do well. Maybe have a word with the school and explain? They might have already experienced this before and have some advice for you?

Does your DD know her gran is unwell? Are they close?

I personally wouldn't keep it from her. I understand your need to protect her but she is (likely) going to be very upset and hurt that you kept something so important from her.

As others have said, speak to the school and explain the situation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My Dad died last year and it's awful.