To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

I wondered whether it was something like the family live quite far away from grandma, so the daughter could easily go for a couple of months without seeing her in person, but they do have a close relationship.

Speak to the school, give them a heads up that it might happen, they can then talk you through the options available for your daughter if the death does end up being during the exam period.

Speak to your daughter, give her the heads up that it's a possibility, see how she actually wants you to handle it. You never know, if she's got some concept of the fact that her grandmother is ill, the possibility might even have occurred to her anyway and she just hasn't raised it yet.

Unless it's a situation like some people have mentioned where grandma dies in the morning and daughter has an exam in the afternoon and you keep it quiet just for that morning until she's done the afternoon exam, I wouldn't recommend keeping it quiet (unless maybe you do speak to her and that's what she asks you to do). Even if you tried, you still couldn't guarantee she wouldn't find out - all it would take would be a cousin reaching out to her (we were all older than GCSE year when our grandad died and this wasn't an issue, but you bet that us cousins all reached out to each other that day), her answering the phone to the undertaker, or some well meaning friend offering condolences in front of her, and that would be it, and probably make it worse finding out that way.

My grandmother died some 40 years ago and my mother delayed telling me by 3 days (I was on holiday, but not far away, easily reached - not same as exams, I know). I have actually never forgotten that feeling of betrayal, that I was last to know and the information kept from me.

Can you have the conversation now with her, explain that grandmother's health is declining, it is likely nothing else can be done for her and she will pass within the next few months. Say you are worried about her exams if this should happen at that time, does she want to know, does she want to attend funeral, does she want you to look into what special circumstance provisions can be made, IF this was to happen. See what her reaction is now, gives her time to process some of it before exams. Talk to school about what special provisions she might be able to get if the death (or funeral) was during exams.

Presumably the funeral can be arranged at a time suitable for you, even if it gets postponed by 3 weeks it might give her the chance to complete exams and be "business as usual" but still attend funeral and have that chance to remember her grandmother.

I also was shielded from my Grandmother's death. My Dad told my sister and brother that she was going to die (in hospital)- and they sat around her bed and held her hand. I lived 2hrs away and was in the hospital all day, and he didn't tell me until I got home. I was absolutely fuming- that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye- he said he was worried about me driving home when I am upset. I still 15 odd years later remember it with anger (and I absolutely adore my dad, he apologised but it still makes me itrate)

With respect you dont know how you will feel my mum died 7 weeks ago and it hits me at different times .

I don't think you can do that. What if her funeral happens at the time of the exams?The exams last from May to the end of June so it would be possible. Would you just not tell her about that?
I think your daughter will be hurt and possibly angry that you were not honest with her. She may have feelings of guilt that she didn't see your Mum because she didn't know she was dying.
I think you have to be honest with your daughter. You can contact the exam officer at school and ask for special consideration if your Mum dies during the exam period.
Really sorry to read that your Mum is so ill. If she dies, give yourself time to grieve. My Mum died when my child was a newborn. I stupidly tried to carry on as normal. There are no prizes for the and it had negative consequences further down the line.

I was 10 years old, and in my first month at my new grammar school. I was in an art class and was called by a teacher to go to the Head Teacher's office. I did, and was told that my father was dead, and that I was to go home immediately. I walked two miles to the bus stop, another mile to my home. I was told to go and change and then take the dog for a walk. I was drinking a glass of water in the kitchen and heard the undertakers bumping his coffin down the stairs and the front door shutting behind them. I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral.

Afterwards, he was very rarely mentioned in conversations and his photos were removed from view.
I'm in my late seventies now, and I still cry over his loss. I inherited his very clever mind, and have had an excellent professional career, so I feel that, in me, he lives on.

So you’ll also be essentially stopping her from seeing her even again? With no time to say goodbye?

She might also resent you if you all just have the funeral without her and she didn’t get to go.

I did an exam the day after a funeral, my first ever death - I couldn’t imagine having not been told about it.

No, just tell her.

There is a huge amount of admin and conversation that happens around a death, and a teenager will absolutely notice that you are concealing something from her.

FWIW - my grandfather died two days before I started my GCSEs and I missed his funeral because I had an exam. I loved him very much and I was sad that he'd died, but it had zero impact on my exams to be honest.

Talk to the school so that you know what is possible. Talk to your daughter asap, so she knows where things stand and what might happen. Do everything you can to make sure she can go to the funeral.

We had this last year. grandpa then died at the end of July so there was no upset during the exams. I decided that we won't say how ill Grandpa was. however if he passed away we would let them know. if you are involved with arranging the funeral I suggest you find a day were there aren't exams. also let the school know what is happening as you can get sympathetic marking. We did when our son was doing his GCSE's as my husband was in hospital for 9 weeks and very ill (all good now!)

Sorry to hear you're facing this.

Potentially controversial but couldn't you warn her now grandma won't get better? So she could spend the time with her? Make precious memories?

I'm not sure I'd appreciate being kept in the dark, and I think the emotional vibe at home would impact her regardless

My parents didn’t tell me that my grandmother had passed until after my skiing holiday (I was away without family). This was 30 years ago and it still upsets me to think of this. I didn’t go to the funeral (abroad). I would have really liked to go. She was my favourite person on earth.

Only you know your child and how close she is to her and what her state of mind. My DD is highly sensitive so whilst I wouldn’t downplay how ill she was I also would delay telling her.

But how will you manage the funeral?
Will she want to say farewell - maybe get a visit in before exams start?

You can delay the funeral in uk it’s cost a bit more but it would be worth it. She will want to attend. My mum passed when DD was abroad on a uni placement. My specifically requested she wasn’t told till she was back kn country as it ruin the trip. It was very difficult with social media. And very very stressful I couldn’t tell many people as these things get out. If she living with you then no way can you not tell her
obviously you could delay to the weekend though but that’s as far as I would go. And delay the funeral. You can let the school know she may get dispensation especially if at borderline grade mark, it’s GCSEs I’m sure it won’t matter in scheme of life. Just get her to revise as much as possible early to give her the best chance of performing,
of course it may not happen anyway in that timeframe and I really hope so x

I still have not forgiven my mother for “protecting” me by not telling me about a grandparent’s passing as soon as reasonably possible in case it had an adverse effect. You need to tell her when it happens, don’t break her trust, it will affect your relationship forever.

I wouldn't hide it.
As pp have said, gently prepare her for the worst. I'd also talk to school and see what can be done in these circumstances if your mum were to pass away in the middle of exams.

You're right, you don't deserve the word vile. That's very unkind. We suffered the loss of my dear nan recently. I was lucky to be able to be there at the end and it was peaceful (I'm not suggesting you take DD to be with her). What I would suggest is maybe speaking to the pastoral team at her school quietly in advance to seek their guidance and support. That's what they are there for. Fill them in and work out a plan for if the worst happens and how you navigate the GCSEs. Honestly though, GCSEs are not the be all and end all. Resits can happen and she may surprise you. Plus extenuating circumstances can be taken into consideration. And I say that with nearly 20 years in secondary education. You are in a horrible situation. I'm very sorry that you are going through all this and I wish you the best in this x

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

But what if the funeral fell on a day where she didn’t have an exam, and she didn’t need to miss an exam for it?
Would you then still not tell her and have her miss her grans funeral?

I know every family dynamic is different but I think back to being 16 and doing my GCSEs and my mum would just never have done this. I would have wanted to be at my own grans funeral. Will your daughter not hugely resent you for making her miss this? And how would she feel knowing the rest of the family went, and knew about it, and she didn’t? Would she not be so hurt?

If you can delay the funeral until after the exams there is nothing to be gained telling her during. So I wouldn’t. If you can hold it together at home so she doesn’t realise (or worry something else bad is happening. I personally couldn’t).

I’ve had very bad family news when pregnant and I think it has had an affect on my child. My sister had a miscarriage which I think was caused by the stress of it.

I'm afraid no matter what sort of student your daughter is GCSE's are really not that important- tell her, if you don't she may never forgive you.

Totally get where you're coming from. My DM is old and poorly. DD is in A level year and so much is riding on this. Wouldn't hesitate to do as you suggest if the worst happens near her exams.

Have you spoken to school welfare/ pastoral team and the exams officer?
exams boards would give special considerations to a student who has just had a bereavement.
speak to school and let them guide you.
i am so sorry you are going through this and want to send a virtual hug

My dad died early morning. My son who was extremely close to him had an interview for his first teaching job that day. I didn’t tell him until after his interview. Wouldn’t have been able to keep it from him for any longer than that.

Might sound controversial to say you’re NOT being unreasonable not to tell her YET due to exams. I can only go off my own personal experience had my Dissertation for my undergraduate Degree due around the time my Grandma had a stroke and was admitted to hospital and I was so worried for her that I wasn’t able to Concentrate on my studies the same way. When she did eventually pass away I was so bereaved that I wasn’t able to function properly as she was such a strong presence in my childhood upbringing, I was so close to both my grandparents, but my grandma in particular, I still only got a 3rd in my Dissertation, which pulled my overall grade form to a 2:1.

studying isn’t everything, but my point is, upsetting her will likely distract or unsettle her from performing the way she would do in regular circumstances, like you said OP you can help her mourn and grieve your loss together at a later time when everything settled.

Just explain the reasoning behind the delay and that you are keeping her best interests at heart as you know how much she’s been studying working hard to pass her exams and didn’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Hopefully she’ll see why in time.

The only alternative would be if she’s still not been told and the grandmother’s funeral would need to take place, as she’ll obviously want to attend. Another thing you’ll need to consider is if the younger sibling will say something to her if you tell her, but not the older DC. I would either tell them both now, or wait and tell them both together once your oldest DC has done her exams. But it’s so hard to call. 🤷‍♀️😬

I’m sorry for your loss. Thinking of you all 😢😔