To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

Ask her what she would want?.

I wouldn't want to know if in the next 2 days I was going to have an exam in a subject I was taking at A level. For some of the other exams I just wouldn't want to know on the day of the exam but once I have sat it yes.

I wouldn't want the news to be held off for the entire exam period but there would be certain days where I would rather the news wait personally.

I used to work at a uni and once had to console a mother who had lost a parent a few days earlier. She had held off telling her before her exams but travelled up and was waiting for her to come out of the exam to tell her. I sat with her whilst she waited.

I’m so sorry I didn’t read your post properly, I thought she had already passed away without her knowing I didn’t release she was poorly in hospital. Yes I’m afraid I have to agree you others really must let her say her goodbyes to her now, maybe take her in and see her sooner rather than later then she is prepared.

She can always resit an exam. You can’t go to a funeral more than once. During my A levels, my mum died. I thought I could just do my English exam and then go to the funeral after. Thankfully my English teacher removed me from the exam list. I sat it a few months later (Jan exam) and I now have a degree.
I wouldn’t have had a redo for the funeral.

My friend’s grandad died a week or maybe two weeks before my friend’s exam at university. My friend had already come to terms that her grandad was dying and been to see him shortly before he died. My friend was relieved that her mum hadn’t told her about the death because she would’ve failed her exam.

I was studying in France when my Gran died and my parents decided I shouldn’t come home when I wanted to because of exams and chose funeral date accordingly. It made me feel alone like I wasn’t part of the family and I resented it for a long time. I never got a chance to say goodbye. You can’t predict the date of death and the funeral date can be chosen to avoid exams. Best thing is to be honest and treat your daughter as the adult they nearly are.

Doesn’t always work that way. I’ve helped organise a funeral. You are constrained by available dates and then You have lots of people who can’t do certain days. You might have uncle Jon having to fly in from Australia. You have auntie sue who can only organise childcare on certain days. Some families may be very simple but other families you have multiple siblings and their families. Sometimes you take the day that works for the most and it might be inconvenient from an exam POV.

Special consideration can be made for a student who needs to miss an exam.
Exam bodies acknowledge that unforeseen situations & family emergencies happen; they recognise that in fact exams are not the most crucial thing in certain situations.
Their future should not be impacted negatively by attending a funeral.

I think it's very strange for you to tell your children how they should inform their own children of your own death. As you won't be there, I think it's very much up to your children how they manage the situation.

This is an extremely good point. It's so upsetting I know, but you are already processing this which is a protective factor for you in coping when the time comes. She should have that opportunity too. Shock would make it harder, even if comes from a place of trying to shield her.

You need to be preparing byour daughter for this now regardless of exams. Tell her the truth as you have it. If you withhold it from her she will probably never trust you again.

My grandaughter had exactly this prior to her exams but she was 'kept in the loop ' throughout and coped admirably.

Or she could have told the university who would be very, very used to managing situations like this and put measures in place to support your friend.

Knowing now that your Mum hasn't got long gives you some runway to prepare your daughter sensibly for a sad, but inevitable fact. How you frame dying and death now will shape how she responds if her grandmother dies during the first week of exams. I know this is incredibly hard for you as well, but you can all spend time together, and encourage her to think of death as release from illness, now much granny loves her and wants her to do well.

If you shield her too much, she could react much more dramatically than you might expect, particularly if she is tired and stressed about her exams. Let her be a part of the process as much as she wants to be, to minimse any shock.

I think you are underestimating the effect it will have on you, and overestimating the effect it will have on her.

Even if you are certain you won't be very visibly upset, surely there would be lots of practical things you have to do? Organise a funeral, go to the funeral, clear the house etc etc. It is possible friends/family members will send you cards, flowers, phone you up more than ususal. It would be highly likely something would cause her to know/guess anyway. And you will need support - don't deny her or your other family the possibility of giving you that.

In her case, if her relationship with her grandmother is such that she might not notice for a couple of months, and that you are certain that she would not mind not going to he funeral (which form part of your reasons/plans for not telling her) then I think she will cope with knowing. It is pretty common to lose a grandparent aged 14-18. It is likely she will have seen some classmates go through this. Children know their grandparents are old. They know that old people die. However close they are, with adequate preparation, it should be a sadness they can cope with, although obviously also tell school if it actually happens right in the middle of exams.

No you can't do that. I know it's a different situation but I think children pick up on the stress of adults around them and will be stressed or calm depending on the adults around them. My dc has spent a lot of time in hospital and he has seen other children with different illnesses. He knows that cancer is an illness that some people get and he has seen lots of children have it and get better and a couple who have died. I have always taken my dc to funerals of people they don't know very well too. They see it as any other church service but with cake afterwards, not some mysterious scary thing. Meanwhile my dn's have been hugely sheltered and they think every minor illness or problem is a massive drama and they can't cope with anything. I think if you are honest with your dd and she knows her dgm is dying and what to expect she will be sad when she dies but she won't be so upset that she will fail her exams.

I haven’t read all the replies, but no I would not do this. GCSE’s are important of course, but this is the possible death of a close family member. It seems all shades of wrong to say that your daughter’s performance in her exams takes precedence over grieving a death in the family. Exams can be repeated and failing them is not the end of the world. And of course, your daughter may be more resilient than you realise. We’re in the middle of GCSE hell with DS1 and honestly, with some of the stuff that has happened both to him and within our family this year, I have had to unclench a bit about exams. And as others have mentioned, don’t underestimate the impact your mum’s death will have on you. It’s hard enough mourning the death of a parent without having to pretend nothing has happened.

Sorry your mum is unwell.

I have lost a few family members as a teen and I'd have been devastated to find out they had died and I wasn't told at the time, I'd have felt cheated. I have also lost my dad just prior to exams (a few weeks) and to be honest I just got on with the exams and then fell to pieces afterwards. I had the support of the school, they were very aware what was happening and they were able to put in for special consideration etc. I'd speak to the school now and tell them so they can get things in place just in case. Sorry you are going through this

She would’ve failed due to being upset and stressed and not studying and concentrating. Her mum did the right thing.

I don't get how her grandma means so little that DD won't notice she's passed away, but so much that she'll fail her exams because she's passed away.

I think, this. If she's close to them, she'd want to know and exams can be re sat. How would you feel if you'd been robbed of the opportunity to spend time with a grandparent during their final days? That is time that she will never be able to get back.
If they are not particularly close then telling her may not affect her exams at all, but she may be given extenuating circumstances if she needs extra time etc?
I would not lie basically.

There a difference between been ill and about to die. I would absolutely discuss it with the senco.

@Lucielue79 why not put off the funeral until after the exam season? I'm off to a funeral tomorrow for someone who died back in January, it doesn't need to be done immediately.

No OP you absolutely can't do this to her and anyway she might be with you when someone else offers their condolences or she hears it mentioned by someone else . No one else will assume a death is a secret.
Also be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve without tiptoeing around pretending the death hasn't happened.
If she fails exams because of this then there are obviously other issues going on and if she does fail them then it's still not the end of the world or the worst thing in life to have happened. Chat to her so she knows the death might happen soon and prepare her.

We had a family member die during my daughters’ mocks (last month) and they missed the funeral because they had exams that day. It didn’t occur to me not to tell them tbh. I have however, thought about this a bit recently as one of my parents is also not in the best of health and GCSEs are around the corner. Funerals make you think. I know I would have to tell them in that situation (I’m very heart on sleeve) and would hope that we’ve raised them to be resilient enough to crack on with their exams. They did very well in their mocks btw, but they put in a lot of prep work. It’s not easy.

How close is she to your mum?

If shes close and this could prevent an opportunity for your DD to say goodbye and have some closure then I’d say you should tell her.

If this was my Nan on my mums side, I wouldn’t be able to forgive you for not having that choice to see her and say goodbye etc.

grandparents on other side I would probably get over it but only you know your daughter and the relationship that they have.

Some things are bigger than exams in the grand scheme of life. Exams can be retaken, we only lose our grandparents once.

Don’t keep it from her, it’ll double the pain when she finds out that not only has she lost a grandparent but she’s also been lied to. I’m not the biggest fan of “tough love” but I think this is maybe one of those life lessons that she should learn sooner rather than later. Let the school know but don’t expect any allowances. These awful life events happen to everyone, my parents chose a random Wednesday afternoon to divide my entire childhood home literally down to the last teaspoon in their incredibly hostile 5-year-long divorce proceedings, it was also the day of my History A-Level exam. Sometimes you just have to put your emotional shit on the shelf for 2 hours and bang out the Russian Revolution.

My concern with not telling her would be that she gets upset that I didn't give her a chance to see her to say goodbye. As your mum is very poorly, I'd be more inclined to tell my daughter so she can spend some time with her now, or at least make the decision herself if she didn't want to. If you hide the whole thing she might feel like you robbed her of that chance.