Would you leave 14yo alone in the country for one night?

[iloveapplesandcakes]

Single parent here, no family around here, no support network.

DC is 14, very sensible. They'd go to school, I fly out at lunch time, they come back home, reheat dinner, stay overnight and go to school in the morning, I return home before they are back from school, I'd be away for about 30 hours. DC is happy with this idea, they can manage. I'm concerned about emergency situation. I badly need to go to help a close relative abroad. Can't take DC with me for a number of reasons, mainly school but also family issue which is the reason for need to travel.

Voting:
AIBU: I wouldn't leave DC alone, no matter how sensible they are.
YANBU: it's ok for DC to stay for 30h alone given desperate circumstances.

Sorry its a no from me, there is not a single person on this planet - my parents, siblings, spouse, friends - who I rank as more important than my child. While unlikely, what if something happens to you while you’re gone? They may be mature enough to leave for one night but where do you draw the line? Sorry OP, it can’t be any easy situation.

One of the things that would put me off is there's no contingency.

What happens if your travel plans are massively disrupted and you're delayed or cancelled? One of my friends ended up sitting on the tarmac for 8 hours not long ago. What if weather or politics stops you getting back? Or everyone needs to rebook and it's a nightmare.

What happens if your relative ends up needing you to stay a week?

What happens if you catch something while travelling and you're so sick you can't get back for a while?

What happens if your kid gets sudden anxiety about staying on their own overnight after you leave, they're having a panic attack, what are you going to do from an airport, hospital or relative's bedside in another country?

They will also not be able to reach you while you're flying. And apparently have no one else in the world they can speak to instead.

I think it's too young.

Absolutely not. Your child has no-one to help them. Think of the worse case scenario- how will you ever justify that you weren’t even in the country?

Your relative needs to find an alternative or pay for your child to go with you. Don’t ever put your child at risk for someone else whatever the circumstances. You can’t get a flight quick enough if there is a worst case scenario here and they have no-one to help - not even a classmate’s parent.

Another no...

DS is 14 and the likelihood is that he would be absolutely fine, but if something did happen you'd never forgive yourself and if it was then found that you were out of the country then there could be serious implications. You can't do it.

Seems odd that there is no one you can ask to help neither of you have friends/neighbours work colleagues or school mums that would be there in an emergency for you? No I wouldn’t leave my 14 year old over night.

I would leave my 14 year old, he's very responsible, but there'd have to be an emergency contact - neighbour etc. And make sure he has a working phone and/or landline.
But I agree with others that best solution is if he could stay with a school friend for the night.

What do people think magically changes the minute a young person turns 16? It’s all very dependent on the maturity of the young person. There are some 16 year olds who couldn’t be trusted to look after themselves for three hours never mind for one night and some 14 year olds who would manage just fine.
Some things to consider would be
Do they know how to safely lock up and switch off everything that needs switched off at night?
Can they safely use the cooker or can you trust them not to use it at all and stick to microwave if not?
Do they understand about not answering door to strangers?
Are they responsible and won’t invite friends around or try to have a party?
Do they have people close by they can contact in case of an emergency?

If the answer to any of these is no then I wouldn’t leave them.
As others have said, can they stay with a friend?
Do you have a trusted neighbour/friend who could act as an emergency contact and maybe look in on them in the evening and morning?

No definitely not. What if you're delayed or there's an emergency...

Can you take your DC with you instead?

He must have a friend he can stay over with!!

I wouldn't leave them, no.
If they're 14 and at school, surely they have a friend they could stay with?!
Do you not have any family or friends or work colleagues etc?

If there is genuinely nobody who can help them in an emergency then you have to take them with you.

I would leave a sensible teen at that age, but only with someone in proximity who would help them out/take them in if the worst happened.

Gosh no I wouldn’t do this. We had a similar situation years ago when DD2 was 16. We are semi rural, had no relationship with near neighbours at the time and I asked my mum to come and stay the night so she wasn’t on her own. Likely everything would’ve been fine but it gave me and DD peace of mind.

I wouldn't do it
Most 14 year old have a friend they can stay with, I would have happily had any of my DC's friends to stay in those circumstances

Any neighbours you could ask just for one night?

Absolutely not.
If something happens to your DC whilst you are away, you'll be in trouble, possible police and Social Services intervention.
14 is too young.
Surely your child has a school friend she can stay with for one night? Many school friends parents would help out.
Or hire a nanny/babysitter?
You could even speak to your child's pastoral care team for advice.
But don't 'risk' it - you're going to be out of the country - not even a drive away.

If there’s an adult they could go to in an emergency, and this is an emergency, can’t they stay overnight with that adult, even if it means sleeping on the sofa (or the adult come to stay with them)?

I left my eldest at 14 overnight. We've got a few smart cameras round our house which I check religiously when we're out for extended periods of time, his dad is a 10 min drive away, his step grandparents less than 5 mins away, we're in a very urban area and the neighbours have our phone number. He's lazy af so would never attempt to use the kitchen above sliding a pizza in and out of the oven (which is what we leave for him), nor would he ever answer the door. We're dragging him to stay with grandparents 3hrs away at Easter for 5 days and he's absolutely fuming (he's approaching 17 now) but I wouldn't leave him for that amount of time yet because he'd just turn into a mummified pizza on his gaming bean bag. We're also toying with the idea of leaving him overnight to supervise our 12yo in a couple of months but the 12yo gets anxious so...... Basically, it's all totally subjective isn't it. There is no wrong or right answer (within reason) in my opinion.

Really, you'd fly abroad and leave them alone with no way to contact a nearby adult if needed?
You'd risk not being able to get back on time and have them maybe stay alone another night, again with no adults nearby to help if needed?

Even if the answer to all those questions is yes, I still wouldn't do it. There’s a first time for everything and emergencies are not something you can plan for. Imo it’s unfair to put that burden on a 14-year-old.

I would let literally any of my DC's friends come and stay for a night, feed them and get them to school the next day, if their parents so much as put a message on the local parents whatsapp group saying they had a family emergency and needed to be away. People might surprise you OP! Other than that I'd take them out of school for a day.

I’m sorry for your situation but there isn’t a predicament on this planet that I would feel warrants leaving my 14 year year old alone for 30 hours especially whilst I’m not in the country. Absolutely not.

Don't be daft . 14 is far to young

There's a huge difference in maturity between 14 and 16, and when your children reach that age you really see the changes. Legal adulthood is actually 18, anyone under that age is still considered a child.
Leaving a 14 year old on their own for and out of the country trip is not OK. Given the circumstances that's its an emergency situation type visit means that the trip may need to be extended as the situation is a bit unknown on the other side.
It's terrible decision making if the OP decides to go.
The OP even states - no support network so it looks as though there's no one even close by!

DC does not have one friend he/she can spend the evening with? I don’t really know my DD’s friends parents but they would definitely let her sleep over at theirs in an emergency and I would do the same for them.

Has DC actually asked any of their friends?

I wouldn’t do it. Being an hour or so away in a car with the ability to get back quickly would be alright but being in a different country? Too much at 14.

Practically would say it depends on the 14 yr old. I was left alone overnight at 14 a few times. No issues, I loved having the house to myself and knew what to do if I needed help.
My younger brother however would probably have burned the house down or some such disaster if he'd been left alone 😄

Saying that I probably wouldn't do it with mine as times have changed, we're all more cautious.