Would you leave 14yo alone in the country for one night?

[iloveapplesandcakes]

Single parent here, no family around here, no support network.

DC is 14, very sensible. They'd go to school, I fly out at lunch time, they come back home, reheat dinner, stay overnight and go to school in the morning, I return home before they are back from school, I'd be away for about 30 hours. DC is happy with this idea, they can manage. I'm concerned about emergency situation. I badly need to go to help a close relative abroad. Can't take DC with me for a number of reasons, mainly school but also family issue which is the reason for need to travel.

Voting:
AIBU: I wouldn't leave DC alone, no matter how sensible they are.
YANBU: it's ok for DC to stay for 30h alone given desperate circumstances.

Yes, I used to do lots of favours for DC's friends parents specifically so there was someone I could ask if needed.

I’m sorry your faced with this dilemma but no I wouldn’t have done it

Your DC doesn't have any friends? You don't know anyone you can ask to help at all?

Sorry but deciding you have to go but not sorting a solution for your DC is unacceptable.

How is your DC in the position they don't have a single friend?

I am not sure that leaving your child with unknown adult is safer than leaving them alone.

Advice is just that.
At 14 I'd have been very sensible and quite able to be left alone.

While I agree that the OP should absolutely not leave her child alone, I can't believe some of you seem so happy to leave teenagers alone with unknown adults because somehow that's safer!

I think if you know the kids you have a reasonable idea what the parents are like.

If you can’t find anyone to care for DC then he’ll need to come with you and miss a day of school. Just bring a tablet and his phone plus charger and snacks and I’m sure he’ll be fine for a day.

Absolutely nonsense. Tell me how you know a parent is an alcoholic/drug addict/ pedophile/ wife beater by looking at the child?🥴

No I definitely would not. I am not in your shoes so appreciate that I don't have to ever been in your predicament that this is a decision I would have to consider. Is there absolutely no one that can have him? A classmates parent that you could speak to and explain your difficult situation to?
I am also a loss to understand what could be so pressing for someone overseas that a quick visit from you would resolve, your sons safety is not worth a quick visit.

Is this a boy or girl?

It matters as generally boys are less mature at 14.

I think you have to know your own child.

If you decide to go, do they have emergency numbers of friends and neighbours?

Do they understand safety around fires, not answering the door, what to do in an emergency if they hurt themselves or something goes wrong at home?

It IS odd they have no friend they can stay with - presumably they DO have friends and you can ask their parents to be an emergency back up.

if your child has no friends, that's an issue itself and another thread!

On balance, I'd leave them.

It's not that many years ago (my parent's generation) that children left school at 14 to work and had to fend for themselves in many situation.

Last winter I came home to find the carbon monoxide alarm beeping. Luckily I thought to myself I know I need to open the doors and windows, stay outside the house (sat in the car), phone the emergency help line wait for them to come out. At the same time, thought to myself that I think its a battery issue with the thing. I think I might have turned the boiler off, cant remember

It was freezing cold of course, sat in the car, they arrived half hour later, excellent service, cant remember what they're called now.

Little things like that can throw someone. I had to think quickly and just googled on my phone 'CO2 alarm/CO2 leak' and it came up with the gas people that you should call in emergencies like that. I normally dont have any battery on my phone, lucky I did

I dont think my OH would have managed it, he is very likely ADHD/ASD (no diagnosis). Im not sure a child would have the first clue

Kindly, that's a very different scenario - what sort of heating issue set off the CO2? You're talking about a grown man, and why don't you charge your phone? That's pretty irresponsible and dangerous.

Do none of you move house? Live abroad? Have small families? Have inappropriate family that you wouldn't leave children with? I could tick every box here and would be in exactly the same situation as the OP (and would take DC with me in this situation). I gave birth alone because I had no one to look after older DC other than dh. it's not "odd", it's a bit sad yes, but it's not a moral failing.

Difficult situation OP, but definitely not the thing to do, ask a friend to look after them rather than this

No too young, either your child comes with you or someone trusted stays with her. What if your flight was cancelled or delayed? There was an emergency at home, far too much responsibility for a 14 yo.

Regardless of the emergency overseas, presumably it is an adult not a child, your ultimate responsibility is to your child and you would be negligent to leave them like this.

Not by looking at the child, by knowing the child. You would know, I work with the children of such parents.

I would not leave my 14 year old unless she had access to a very trusted female next door neighbour.
Can she stay with the next door neighbour?
Can a female over the age of 21 stay with her?
Can a school friend and her friend's mother stay with her?
Is there an agency that speialises in babysitting? Can you and your daughter meet a local babysitter?

And the OP says her DC is mature. I've nothing against it in principle but not sure I'd be totally happy with no one to call on locally. No issue with the child being alone I'd love to know why all these sudden " emergencies' would only happen on the one night the parent isn't around. And I'm not sure a broken boiler is an emergency anyway

No, you would not. And I really hope you don't work in social care if you think that it's as easy as that. Trust me, I was a child in that situation.

Otherwise we wouldn't have children in these situations, because everyone would already know.

The people I know who work with children in these situations are the ones who absolutely don't do do sleepovers etc. they're certainly not in the "any adult will do if you have met the kid" set.

Also how well do people know their 14 year olds friends? Mine made new friends in secondary and I have met them briefly but it's nothing like primary school.

No of course not.

Os there no one in your relative’s country who can help them?

It's not that they would happen, it's that they could happen.

That's why we use child care ever, because a bad thing could happen, not because it's likely to.

I think MN tend to be ultra cautious and not always flexible.

A sensible 14 year old should be able to look after themselves for just over 24 hours when they are in school for the day.

As a society I think we have lost perspective. On the one hand, children are allowed access to all sorts on social media and smart phones, which are far more dangerous.

Yet when you consider that not so many years ago they were working at 14 , getting themselves up, out of the house, and being independent, the notion of 'risk' has changed.

OP if you can keep in touch with your child and they have a neighbour to call in an emergency, I think they'd be fine. But you know them best.

You'd need to lay the law down like no visitors etc.

You know signs to look for then as you work with such families so have experience.

Lots of people wouldn’t know signs to look for and I don’t believe you would always be able to tell.

Plenty of children with parents who are alcoholics or abusers can tell you nobody knew a thing.