Would you leave 14yo alone in the country for one night?

[iloveapplesandcakes]

Single parent here, no family around here, no support network.

DC is 14, very sensible. They'd go to school, I fly out at lunch time, they come back home, reheat dinner, stay overnight and go to school in the morning, I return home before they are back from school, I'd be away for about 30 hours. DC is happy with this idea, they can manage. I'm concerned about emergency situation. I badly need to go to help a close relative abroad. Can't take DC with me for a number of reasons, mainly school but also family issue which is the reason for need to travel.

Voting:
AIBU: I wouldn't leave DC alone, no matter how sensible they are.
YANBU: it's ok for DC to stay for 30h alone given desperate circumstances.

You've said yourself that in an emergency situation (which could be anything when you're 14) there is no help or support network. Who does she call if something happens?

Also @Holidayfixit’s worrying that you work with families and say you ‘would know’ if a parent in a family was a paedophile. That’s a crazy thing to claim and a worrying thing to claim if you actually work with vulnerable children in any capacity.

@iloveapplesandcakes - sorry you’re in this position.

@Holidayfix has put it really well. It is a bit concerning that you both seem so isolated (ie that your DC has no friends they can stay with) but perhaps you’re new to the area, and anyway that’s not something you can fix today. But given your isolation, you can’t leave your DC alone, in case something goes wrong.

“Holidayfix · Today 07:24

If there's really no one you can leave him with, I think you have to take him with you. He cane miss 2 days' for an emergency and take schoolwork/ electronics to keep him occupied and away from the crisis.”

The relative is clearly not in sub saharan Africa or another third world area as OP only going for 1 night so clearly the country does have some sort of social or health care and support system.

We were in a situation recently where DH was away, I had my phone off for a couple of hours and at around 10pm just before I put my phone back on DC (eldest 16) thought they heard something in the house and ended up calling granny as they couldn’t get through to us. I would have hated for them to have had no one to call.

I wouldn’t risk it

It's very easy to not have a support network.

Neither DH or I are "local"
DH's family are in another country.
Mine are scattered around the UK. Not that they're of a life-stage to have the capacity to support from a distance.
I have got some local friends that I made in my 20s- they are the best support that I have, but the DCs would be loathe to stay with them.
I didn't make school-gate friends because first I was working, then DS1's autism became apparent and that inhibited socialising. Then the Covid years through junior school re-shaped school friendships.
DS1 has no friends beyond school life.
DS2 has friends, but we are all families with autistic children (be it the child or their sibling) affecting our family social capacity. Having friends over to each other's houses causes significant disruption to our autistic children's routines. They mainly game online together or meet in neutral places like the park.

When you start with a poor social network it's difficult to build and expand it. We've had chunks of years with no appropriate babysitter avaliable. It's mainly been Rangers/ Explorers from local Guiding/ Scout groups, but their window of being the right age is short. At one point DH and I went 5 years without a night out together.
Most people near us have local family support so it's difficult to exchange mutual support favours without venturing into Cheeky Fucker territory.

I have friends and local aquaintances, but that doesn't translate into being the right support that my teenagers are comfortable with in an emergency.

It's not a particularly unusual situation to be in, and I can easily understand OP's predicament.

Even if it is a MH crisis or legal issue you are dealing with, take DC and leave them in a hotel / cafe/ library when you are dealing with it.

I’ve taken mine with me to work abroad when I had to . It’s a pain but needs must

@iloveapplesandcakesI probably would have- but it’s a bit concerning that he has no school friends he could stay with. Or is it that you just don’t want to ask? Because it sounds as if you’ve got enough to worry about without worrying about him too.

Yes but then it really isn't realistic to leave themalone unfortunately. She needs to take the DC or pay for someone to stay the night.

It would probably be ok but how is it that between the two of you there is not a single person who could be asked to help? Even just to be available in emergency?

Is your home that isolated?

What about a hired nanny for overnight?

You can’t leave the child with no support or emergency contact. No way.

Can you afford an emergency nanny for one night? At least then you have a responsible adult with your child. And they will be registered and DBS checked.

Depends on your neighbourhood. If close neighbours they could run to in a significant event, yes. Middle of the country with no other house for a mile, no.

I wasn't saying that she should leave them. I wouldn't, but my 14yo clearly isn't ready anyway.

My point is that there's been several replies of people being incredulous that there isn't friends or family local or trusted enough to leave a 14 year old overnight with as though it's highly unusual. It's not highly unusual and is a common situation for people with long-distance families to be in.

I wouldn’t be inviting an overnight babysitter i.e. unknown person into the house.

It's still the unknown factors in what you're doing that would worry me. Sure, there are lots of regular flights. But you're counting on being able to do what's needed to resolve this 'emergency situation' within the 30 hours and get back as planned. What if you can't? What if your relative hasn't told you all the details and it's worse than expected?

My other thought is: you've said there is no support for your teenager locally, just you. Are you also the only person who can fix this emergency situation abroad? Are there no other contacts who can help your relative, is there no way of paying someone to do what's needed? Why does it have to be you?

If you're the only person who can be the support in both situations, then someone has to lose out. For me, that would not be my teenager.

Overall, I agree with this. I stayed home alone at 15 or so and it was not a huge deal, but we were in a semi with neighbours on the other side of the wall.

I watched TV (this was mid 1970s, no devices) and sneaked my mother’s cigarettes.

OP how close are the nearest neighbours?

There must be a friend or family member who can help even if it involves travelling to see you! Just ask! People like to help each other.

The child must have friends too?

No

I actually think there's a big difference in maturity between 14 and 16. 14 year olds are generally pretty silly, ruled by their hormones and peer pressure. 16 year olds tend to have grown up a bit, are more responsible and self-sufficient. There's a reason 16 is the legal age for a lot of things.

Personally I think it's too young for overnight, OP. I understand it's borderline though. I would try to take him with me - could he spend time with other family or friends there?

No way , could they not stay in a friends house over night and go home after school the next day ?

Absolutely not, not in any circumstance. Surely they have a friend they can stay with?

I would do it IF I had an emergency contact, plan for if something went wrong. I think they need to be able to call someone who can be there within half hour max if something goes wrong. Having noone is really difficult. I have people in the village that I only know through bumping into each other when I walk the dog but I know if I said in an emergency could DC call on you they would be fine with this, as would I. It doesn't mean DC has to stay with them or even see them but they need someone they can call if disaster strikes. Most people are kind and would be happy to help out in an emergency in my opinion.

My child is 15 and I wouldn’t do it until 16 and finished school. But even that worries me how would they cope in an emergency etc. In your situation I would rather they stayed with a friend if that’s possible.

Why can't you ask a school friend? Agency childcare? 14 is too young, and even more so if there's no support to call upon.

No they’re still a child. If it’s a genuine family emergency school should authorise leave. Can he stay with a friend ?