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AIBU?

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Original poster

To report my son as missing?

459 replies

stucky · 18/03/2025 21:23

Wondering when to start panicking? DS 22, hasn't been home since Friday day time. He usually lets me know what's going on. It's not unusual for him to spend time at a friends for a day or two, however I've messaged his closest friends, no one's seen him since Friday. His phone been dead since Saturday morning. I know he's not a child, but he's my son and I'm concerned about his wellbeing. Should I report him as a missing person? Or am I overreacting? I just don't know what to do.

Please be kind, I am currently feel very fragile.

OP posts:
IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 18/03/2025 23:10

stucky · 18/03/2025 22:53

Sorry everyone,thanks for all the responses. I didn't over the weekend because he does sometimes stay at his friends. His best friends share a house and he crashes there sometimes so it's not unusual for him to be gone till Sunday. I only became alarmed when his close knit group of friends said they hadn't seen him since Friday and he hadn't been to work when I called. I found these things out today when I started to become increasingly alarmed and did some sleuthing. As others have said it's hard to know when it's okay to breach your adult child's privacy and what consitutes reasonable contact with friends. Some of whom I've met, and many I haven't that I contact via multiple platforms to ascertain if he was alright.

I haven't spoken to him, I messaged everyone I could think of to get information before i called the police and someone said he's at a friends with a dead phone. I am both furious and incredibly relieved. Planning to attempt to sleep once the adrenaline wears off.

thanks for all the support. I know it seemed odd to post on here I just needed some perspective from people outside the situation who weren't bias.

So glad all is ok, you’re right, managing what to do when your child is only just an adult is very hard, it was something my mum definitely struggled with when DB pulled this nonsense. I hope the adrenaline wears off and you can get some sleep

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 18/03/2025 23:10

@stucky

I haven't spoken to him, I messaged everyone I could think of to get information before i called the police and someone said he's at a friends with a dead phone. I am both furious and incredibly relieved.

So you have heard back from police now - and they say your son is OK. I hope he is. How did they track him down?

Like several others here, I've got more questions than answers now though...So he's just been at a mate's house for 4-5 days with a dead phone, not been at work, and not been in contact with you at all?? All this time?? And he has still not actually phoned you himself or been in touch?

Is this normal behaviour for him? It sounds worrying. He is a 22 year old man, not a 14 year old. This behaviour seems quite odd to me. Did he not think to contact you? Did he not think you may be worried? As I said, I hope he's OK.

.

Bumcake · 18/03/2025 23:12

What strange behaviour, has he been unwell? Did he call in sick at work? I hope he will understand why you were so concerned.

Coffeeisnecessary · 18/03/2025 23:18

Gosh not surprised you were stressed. Hope you hear from him soon and find out why he didn't go to work or charge his phone. Hope all is OK.

LimeQuoter · 18/03/2025 23:23

Glad all is ok. You can sleep happily now 😌😊

Riversof0tter5 · 18/03/2025 23:41

Have you spoken to your son, OP? It sounds to me as if a friend told you he was with another friend. So you didn't call the police. Or speak to your son. Who hasn't charged his phone, or contacted his workplace. Am I understanding correctly?

Maybe he has been involved in something he is ashamed of. Maybe he has been attacked and isn't coping and has gone to ground. Maybe his 'friend' is not so much of a friend and is covering something up.

Please explain the situation to the police and ask them to do a welfare check at the house of this so-called 'friend'.

It sounds like you're in shock or unsure about boundaries. Young men are at risk of all sorts of violence. Please check in on him directly and strongly -- don't feel silly, you are not overstepping!

BlackCoffeeAndSugar · 18/03/2025 23:44

I'd still not really be happy with that. Someone's told you he is at a friend. But assuming that's not the actual friend he is with. How does that friend know that if his phone is dead. Why is his phone been dead for DAYS?! Why is he just not going to work and not contacting his work?

I still think you should have phoned as soon as you got advice when posted. Not try to phone round again as now you have a random piece of info but no actual way of knowing he is OK just the say so of someone who isn't there.

Presumably his friends are telling the friend he is with how worried you are?!!!

Twonewcats · 18/03/2025 23:46

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 18/03/2025 23:10

@stucky

I haven't spoken to him, I messaged everyone I could think of to get information before i called the police and someone said he's at a friends with a dead phone. I am both furious and incredibly relieved.

So you have heard back from police now - and they say your son is OK. I hope he is. How did they track him down?

Like several others here, I've got more questions than answers now though...So he's just been at a mate's house for 4-5 days with a dead phone, not been at work, and not been in contact with you at all?? All this time?? And he has still not actually phoned you himself or been in touch?

Is this normal behaviour for him? It sounds worrying. He is a 22 year old man, not a 14 year old. This behaviour seems quite odd to me. Did he not think to contact you? Did he not think you may be worried? As I said, I hope he's OK.

.

Edited

This is exactly what I'm thinking. Pls make certain he is safe and don't take the friend's word for it

Gremlins101 · 18/03/2025 23:52

Hi OP, is your son okay? I'm waiting to hear he is home!

I hope by now you are having a (gentle and calm) chat with him that he MUST NEVER DO THIS TO YOU AGAIN!!!

Wishing you all the best. You must be worried sick.

rivalsbinge · 18/03/2025 23:54

I think OP if I’m right you’ve heard via friend he’s ok? But have you spoken to him yourself, I think I’d need to see chat to him. I hope he’s ok.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 19/03/2025 00:14

stucky · 18/03/2025 23:00

Yes all quite out of character hence the worry. Hoping he comes home soon. For no other reason than to know he's okay.

Hope he’s ok and gets home soon.

All adults should know one phone number (not their own) of by heart - it always amazes me when people don’t! I know my partner’s so could borrow a phone to call him if I needed.

BubbaHorovitz · 19/03/2025 00:36

I hope he is ok and I hope you are ok. I don't understand why people are frantically quizzing you over your reactions and who you spoke to or didn't.

Sometimes this place really makes me doubt the fabric of society.

Frostynoman · 19/03/2025 00:45

What a relief for you that he is with friends. I hope you can get some rest now and then tackle him when he returns. It sounds like there may be some issues that need addressing

wherewasoldmcdonalsdfarm · 19/03/2025 00:52

Tell him when he gets home he is banned from staying anywhere that doesn’t have a compatible charger

obviously in joking but nice to hear he is fine

LittleCharlotte · 19/03/2025 00:53

I sound a bit distrustful but if you haven't spoken to him yourself how do you know he's actually at a friend's with a dead phone? How do they know his phone is dead? Everyone charges their phones. He hasn't gone to work either.

This is very strange I'm afraid. I hope he comes home soon.

Apreslapluielesoleil · 19/03/2025 00:54

Someone saying he is at a friends is a bit like Chinese Whispers. Could you go to this friend’s house in the morning to check up?I hope he’s ok.

RunLikeTheWild · 19/03/2025 01:04

Pp saying that everyone charges their phones, not if they don't have a compatible phone to the household charger.

This has happened to me although I only heard about it from my ds's gf who he lived with. Who became his exgf soon after it, and I don't blame her.
My ds was on some sort of bender I don't need the details of, phone died and no one had a charger for his non-iphone phone.

I hope this is what's happened op. Very worrying behaviour but I can say that my ds has grown out of it since graduating/leaving university and has new friends and a job he loves.

AnnaL94 · 19/03/2025 01:12

Odd that he didn’t turn up for work. I’d be inclined to think he’s using drugs at the weekend, most likely cocaine and been on a massive bender and now on a massive comedown.

Or he’s struggling a bit with life and couldn’t be bothered to turn up for work or rang in sick.

I’m glad someone’s seen him/knows of his whereabouts -but if he lives with you I’d be having a chat with him to make sure everything’s okay when he does return to yours.

Lostcat · 19/03/2025 02:28

Gosh what a worry for you OP. Thank god you managed to locate him. How strange that he has not managed to charge his phone since Friday and not turned up to work! Hope he comes home soon and you can get more to the bottom of it all- although I appreciate since he’s an adult not much you can do really.

medlow · 19/03/2025 02:40

Yeah, sorry OP I wouldn't be happy with that. 22yo's will go to the ends of the earth to charge their phone. Can you get the address of where he is from the friend you spoke to and drive over now. Tomorrow can you find out if he rang in sick to work or just didn't turn up. Ring his company , someone should know if he called or just did a no-show. That makes a big difference I think.
You poor thing. 22yo boys can be absolute idiots sometimes and not thoughtful of others. ( They do improve thankfully)

RevolutionaryMode · 19/03/2025 03:37

I’ve been in OP’s situation but it was my adult 20 something sibling who went missing. You don’t want to invade their privacy, but you have real concerns over their well being. it’s not a straightforward decision once it’s you who has to make it. It’s hard to know. 22 is no longer a child. I did report then missing, but it was a full 48 hours after I first realized.

I hope your son is okay, OP. This is an awful time for you, I know.

Edited to add that I was responding to a poster that was asking why OP had not reported her son missing earlier. (I lost the ‘quote’ somehow.)

Original poster
stucky · 19/03/2025 05:17

RevolutionaryMode · 19/03/2025 03:37

I’ve been in OP’s situation but it was my adult 20 something sibling who went missing. You don’t want to invade their privacy, but you have real concerns over their well being. it’s not a straightforward decision once it’s you who has to make it. It’s hard to know. 22 is no longer a child. I did report then missing, but it was a full 48 hours after I first realized.

I hope your son is okay, OP. This is an awful time for you, I know.

Edited to add that I was responding to a poster that was asking why OP had not reported her son missing earlier. (I lost the ‘quote’ somehow.)

Edited

Thank you. As I said it's not unusual for him to not come home on the week. It's such a difficult decision to make, when to invade he personal space when concerned about his welfare. I kept thinking I will be on a call to the police and he's going to walk through the door.

I haven't checked in with the friend, I feel that something has happened and in time he will come home. I don't want to press him when he's gone to such lengths to not be in communication or come home. I am trying to respect his privacy. Having reflected over night it's such out of character behaviour I am more worried about him than angry. I am just want him to know whatever has happened I will support him and that home is a safe space for him.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/03/2025 05:22

I think in your shoes I would check he’s actually there and ok. You seem to be intimating he has mental health issues and if this is the case with your ds, he’s vulnerable.

Joystir59 · 19/03/2025 05:36

I would still report him missing as it's out of character for him to stay out of touch this long and not attend work, not have recharged his phone.

Cadenza12 · 19/03/2025 05:40

Your son is actually missing so it would be a good idea to report it. Hopefully he'll turn up in which case no harm done. You need to phone.