To report my son as missing?

[stucky]

Wondering when to start panicking? DS 22, hasn't been home since Friday day time. He usually lets me know what's going on. It's not unusual for him to spend time at a friends for a day or two, however I've messaged his closest friends, no one's seen him since Friday. His phone been dead since Saturday morning. I know he's not a child, but he's my son and I'm concerned about his wellbeing. Should I report him as a missing person? Or am I overreacting? I just don't know what to do.

Please be kind, I am currently feel very fragile.

He could need help and be sat thinking ‘My mum hasn’t even bothered to check if I am OK’.

The first thing I would be be saying to the friends is to tell him to get his phone charged and come home asap but OP seems so lax.

Where is his Dad? Is he around?
Is he likely to be in touch with him?

It comes over as if you're walking on eggshells around your son, afraid you will upset him.

I'm sorry to be blunt but you're giving him too much rope.
He needs someone to call him out on this behaviour and hold him to account.
Your desire to 'not invade his privacy' has allowed him to behave without any consideration at all for you.

He's not an adult in a house-share, who can do what they want. He's living at home and that comes with strings. Like showing your Mum some respect.

You're setting the bar far too low in terms of his behaviour. It's possibly making him feel you don't care- ironically. Men who are 'lost' (not literally) are usually the victims of poor boundaries, low expectations, and not being taught how to behave responsibly.

If you need help, there are professional out there who you can talk to- and him.

Op what ido you think is the downside of reporting him missing?

My ds did similar. We drove to where he was suspected of being and bashed on the door, called his name etc then shouted we were calling the police.
Suddenly he sent a text saying to go away, he was alive and would get in contact.

He was furious with us but guess what, he's never gone missing like that again.
He was going through a rough patch and since then things haven't been so bad, but also, he now communicates and says if he's turning his phone off for a break etc because he doesn't want us to worry.

I now don’t believe this post is real.

Sending best wishes for a speedy resolution - stay positive.

@HerOopNorth - 2 is beside 3. The OP could have just mistyped. If the person is 22 OR 23, they are an adult out functioning in the world independently, and not all families have eyes on people at that age all the time. Some do. Some don’t. Same applies re privacy. This is down to the norms in individual families.

I don’t understand the hysteria on Mumsnet at times with people seemingly “investigating” OP’s, trying to poke holes in stories and create suspicion or drama, putting more pressure on the situation. People are surely all here to provide company and advice but there are always people on more serious threads who go down an accusatory route with OPs.

🤯

I think this too. I don’t think it’s normal behaviour from a worried mum.

Very odd all round. So he didn’t even pop back to feed the cats when you’re not there?

There are obviously other issues going on within this family.

OP you really need to insist on seeing him or speaking to him at the very least. Get back in touch with the friend who told you he was fine and at another friend's house. Tell him to need an address and you need to see your son to see he is okay, or you are going to call the police immediately and you'll be giving them his name as a place to start with their Missing Person enquiries.

Why has he been unhappy recently? Do you think he's been given the sack and hasn't told you? Just because you don't think he's not involved in drugs doesn't mean he isn't. You need to pull your head out of the sand and push for answers TODAY.

At a friend's house with a dead phone?
Sorry not wanting to alarm you but have you actually spoken to your son, if not I would still be concerned.

This.

Report him missing. What's the problem with doing that.?

If he turns up then just update the police of him bring found. If he doesn't turn up then at least the police are aware.

Assuming he is ok and just at a friend's.
I would be fucking furious if one of ours did this.
22 or not, ours know to let us know where they are (within reason) so that we don't get unnecessarily concerned.
I'd suspect he had taken a shed load of drugs.

@chattychatter The thread has moved on since I asked those questions.
The OP answered. I and other posters have since posted again, ignoring what could be a typo of the age. (Pointing out that 2 and 3 are next to each on the key board isn't necessary. I made the suggestion of a typo myself.)

The other comments you made about what is the 'norm' re. privacy etc. Do you have children yourself? Teens or young adults at home? I really hope you enforce boundaries and some sense of basic respect for parents if you have.

Are you scared of him OP?
Scared of his reaction if you involve the police?

What does this "close group of friends" look like? Lads he met at school/rugby club or a group of gangstas.

I think we can probably guess, the fact he got ‘jumped’ last year and not turning up for work is very worrying in itself.

Going forward OP tell him he doesn’t get to worry you for days on end, it’s unfair and really no excuse these days when everyone has a mobile. My DS is around the same age and comes and goes but he always tells me if he’ll be back for dinner or if he’s staying round his girlfriends/friends and will be back after the weekend or whatever, it’s basic decency. He would also feed the bloody cat or if he was hungover incapacitated get someone else to do it for him. If I were you I’d be having words about the cat being left hungry too, he’s 22 not 12 and needs to be more responsible.

If you report him missing and you have concerns for his safety the police will be able to check with his work, his bank and his phone records. I hope he turns up safely. But if you are concerned about his welfare and his safety it is irresponsible of you not to report him missing to the police.

I hope you find your son ,any word from him ? x

For your own sake, it would be a good idea to establish some kind of protocol. If he still lives at your house, he should really let you know where he is and when he's returning.

Oh OP thank God. My son who still lives at home often stays with friends after a night out and doesn’t text to let us know. You literally can’t relax until you know they’re ok. Xxx

Edit: I noticed that an hour after starting the thread, the OP said someone told her the son was at a friends home with a dead phone. So maybe that's why the police haven't been involved.

So you still haven't reported him as missing @stucky

Why not?

Fair enough.