BE - dog and newborn guilt

[Cat921]

Three weeks ago we had our reactive 14 year old Jack Russell put to sleep because of his strange behaviour around our newborn baby and I feel so guilty.

Our dog was our whole life. We loved him dearly! My husband had him before we met since he was a puppy so for 14 years and I had him for 9 years. He was very reactive and we changed our whole life since I have known my husband for him. He was very territorial of the home and we couldn’t invite people over so we would have to put him upstairs away from visitors. He had previously bitten two people who entered the house quite a few years previously.
He accepted my mum eventually after she give him treats but had to be introduced with a muzzle. On walks we kept him close to use as he did not like other dogs or people and we were unsure if he would bite out of anxiety. He was an anxious dog who hated baths, blowing out candles, and sneezes. He would need to be on a lead in the garden as he hated the dog next door and would bark at him incessantly through the fence and we also were worried about him getting out and potentially biting someone out of fear. He hated when parcels would be dropped off and we would have to fight to get to the door. He had three people in his life he was fine with and who he loved. He hated the car and we could not take him anywhere or to public places as he would get so anxious.

When we first returned home, for the first three days we were surprised as our dog was fine with our newborn and we introduced them from a distance and let him smell her blanket and baby grow. I bought extra treats and toys for him. I naively thought he would be fine but my husband had had prior reservations before we brought her home. We were hoping he would sense my pregnancy as he would always sit on my knee for cuddles. After a few days, he barked at my baby in her Moses basket and my husband grew unsure of his intentions. He started becoming stressed when she cried as if he realised that she was suddenly here and would hide under the table and started weeing in the house. We never sanctioned him for this. He then started taking an interest in the Moses basket in the living room and was obsessed with jumping up at it even when she wasn’t crying. He wasn’t necessarily bothered about her when I was holding her on the sofa. We contacted a dogs trust behaviourist for advice. We couldn’t have a behaviourist come to the house as he does not accept visitors. He then continued to bark when she cried and we recorded my babies cried and used a doll (suggested by dogs trust) to positively reinforce him leaving it alone with treats but this did not work. He then started jumping up at me on the sofa when holding my baby with his tail down and we recorded this and sent to dogs trust who said it was potentially concerning behaviour. Our dog slept in our bed with us his whole life and our baby had her next to me crib in there and I felt uneasy about him accessing it if I was asleep at night as it was on his level. He never bothered it the previous nights but I ended up sleeping downstairs with her the few nights after that which was hard with a newborn. We had to put his muzzle on to calm him in the house as he would not leave the Moses basket alone.

We were able to manage all of this behaviour previous to my daughter being born as he was the most loving dog with us and never bit us or showed any aggression to me and my husband. We loved him so much but this was hard to manage with a newborn. I think I know ultimately it was the right decision but feel bad as he looked to me to protect him and would always come to me when scared! The guilt is awful! It was such a stressful situation and hormones were everywhere and feel we should have gave him longer than a week to adjust but me and my partner just were unsure of his behaviour and couldn’t read him and weren’t sure if we could take that chance with our newborn. We were worried this anxiety would manifest itself into aggression. We could not rehome him as he would not do well in that situation and could be a potential risk to strangers. We also read that dogs don’t see babies as human and as potentially an animal and prey which scared us. We are heartbroken that we had to make this decision. Anyone had a similar situation and how do I deal with this guilt?

Ridiculous comment. You have no idea how old the OP is or what fertility issues might not make this feasible. And even if it was feasible it’s still a ridiculous comment. They gave a very anxious reactive dog a great quality of life for a long period of time until they couldn’t. I can’t imagine many other people would have built their life around a dog like this and it would have been put to sleep a long time ago.

Sorry you found yourself in this situation. It's heartbreaking. You had to protect your baby. You would never have forgiven yourself if the dog had hurt baby.

I am 34 years old and have fertility issues and had been trying for a baby for a few years. We were unsure if it would happen for us! We had a few miscarriages along the way. I couldn’t hold off having children as sadly fertility doesn’t work like that. I loved him and genuinely believed he would grow to accept the baby.

I just feel guilty that I didn’t give him longer to adjust and keep thinking that maybe we read his intentions wrong and he was maybe just curious about the baby and would eventually settle but it was just getting unmanageable and got to the point that the doubt was put in our heads. I didn’t want him to have a life separate from us in the house or to be muzzled.

He had 14 years of a fantastic life with people who truly put him first. He was very lucky to have found that. The reality is he would have been miserable and it could have been a disaster. A devastating decision to have had to made but 100% the right one.

You did the right thing. You couldn’t risk his behaviour escalating.

This really is on you and you are right to be feeling guilty, but not because you've decided to protect your child by removing him from the house. It's because you've had so many years to tackle his issues, but instead you took the easy way out and accommodated him and his anxiety. You never gave him a chance to overcome his problems, you didn't keep trying, you just gave up on him at some point, and then you had him put to sleep when he became too unmanageable.

Don't get me wrong, I agree with everyone that the baby's safety is paramount and you had no other choice. But you left yourself no other choice, too, and that's on you.

Not an easy decision but 100% the right one. My DP once treated a days old baby in ITU who had been nipped by a Jack Russell who decided to investigate the Moses basket 💔
Much better to have guilt over putting a reactive dog to sleep than the (potential) alternative guilt over the dog doing something awful to your child.

I 100% agree with this.

You're absolutely correct. A dog behaviourist 9 years ago may have prevented the dog being PTS prematurely.

You clearly adored your dog, who sounds incredibly challenging.

You gave him 14 very good years.

I cant imagine there are many other owners who could have managed that.

He had a good life. And I really don’t see that you had any other option. He absolutely couldn’t be around your daughter, and you are correct that he couldn’t be rehomed, he wouldn’t have been happy.

He was 14. It would be so much worse if he had been 4. But 14…..that’s a good life.

No.

You have to be very vigilant with even the most placid, predictable of dogs when they are around babies /children.

You could never have relaxed around your dog. He was not going to have a full personality change and you know that.

Dont give yourself a hard time. It was the only option.

We had a behaviourist come out when he was around 3 years old and they said that his behaviour was too challenging and they didn’t understand and couldn’t read his behaviour in some circumstances. It didn’t help at all! We tried to remove triggers for him and he loved a happy life with me and my husband. We genuinely thought if we introduced them properly it would all go okay. I don’t feel bad for getting pregnant as unfortunately fertility doesn’t work like that

I have a reactive JRT, and since my child was born she has had to live with my parents because it is just far far too dangerous around a baby. Fortunately she saw my parents’ place as a home anyway as we were there so much. Now even 2 years later we have to manage the dog at all times and it’s really hard work to have dog and child in same house. We could not have lived that way. However guilty you feel now, you would have felt a million times worse if the dog had harmed the baby or worse. It is your responsibility to keep your child safe, and you did so. Ignore people on here who have no experience of a highly reactive dog. Most people put them down or surrender them to shelters. You gave your pet a good life.

Then you have obviously never owned a severely reactive pet. However much work you do - and you can improve behaviour to an extent, some dogs are never going to be safe around children, other dogs, people. I spent years in specialist classes, with behaviourists and training my pet and while her behaviour improved she will never ever be ‘safe’. I have known experienced dog trainers who have surrendered reactive pets because certain behaviours cannot be trained out.

You could have given him longer to adjust and he seemed fine and then still could have turned later down the line, then you would have never forgiven yourself.
He had a long happy life with you both and personally think would have been more stressful for him to be re homed at that age so think you made the right decision x don't be so hard on yourself x I think your just having a natural reaction as a good person x

Yep

You did the right thing. I Rehomed my dog recently after he showed aggression to my toddler. I feel guilty as I had him for 9 years, but oddly I’ve found comfort in still talking to the dog each morning as if he’s still here. It’s my habits and his absence that hurt.

also, little weird but I’ve found it comforting to snuggle a furry soft toy for a few minutes when I’m sad, and say my doggies name and scratch the toy like I did my dog… I also explained to the soft toy between kisses why he had to leave and how much I love him. I know it sounds a little weird but going through those motions have helped me grieve.

maybe you could try that? 🌺

Less people should be afraid of BE, sometimes it is the best option and it was here. The dog had no concept of tomorrow and he wasn't happy, an anxious dog is not a happy dog.
You didn't pass the problem on to someone else you took responsibility for it and handled it in the most appropriate way.

sending you love

So so sorry for your loss, but you have done the right thing, your darling dog was a good age for a JRT and you gave him 14years of being your world, but his age meant he would probably only get worse as he aged.
the baby stressed him and so you did the selfless thing that was right for all of you

You’ve done the right thing. When my DD was a baby a Jack Russell mauled a newborn to death in its home, it was in the news, and it really upset and stayed with me. You can’t be too careful, ever

Just to say I’m so sorry for your loss, but you have done the right thing. You clearly went above and beyond to accommodate your dog and gave him 14 happy years. Be gentle and forgive yourself.

My mums dog was so reactive that Spaniel Aid nearly PTS. She had severe SA, shadow chasing, aggressive (not reactivity) to men, bite history - basically everything a dog could have go wrong, she did.

But my mum adopted her, worked on her triggers, and now she’s a balanced and happy family member.

Oh, and by PTS - I mean they nearly gave up on her as the fosterer couldn’t deal with her (guess what, despite being an ‘experienced trainer’) and no one wanted her. She languished for months.

Yes, some dogs are challenging. But too many people don’t shop around and find alternative trainers or ways of working with the dog - they see some person fail and say ‘dog can’t be fixed.’

I’m sorry OP lost her dog, she did the right thing at that stage. But if she couldn’t manage or fix its for years issues, she should have engaged more than one trainer or rehomed long ago to someone who could helps - particularly as the dog had bitten on two separate occasions. Dogs with bite histories need people to help them - not shove them in a different room when people come to their house, thereby making their fear and terror and, in some cases, anger worse.

I will be honest and say I found your post extremely upsetting to read and whilst it’s done now, I feel you should feel guilty and I do hope you don’t own another dog again.

You just thought the dog would adapt to having the baby?? You had nine months and you made no plan to get him used to sleeping outside or to thinking of what happens if he doesn’t get used to it? Your husband had reservations but still neither of you proactively did anything? You say he finally became used to your mother - was she unable to take him in or at the very least to have him for a week when you came back and you were feeling this way?

you put him to sleep after just a week of bringing your baby home? Of course, you should consider your baby’s safety but you did this in such a hugely irresponsible way and prematurely ended the life of a dog that considered itself also part of your family.

I agree with the poster - I know she is being flamed here - who said you shouldn’t have had the baby. I have a reactive dog. He in particular does not like children. I’m 38 and I have made the decision not to have children if I can’t accommodate him and find him somewhere where he loves as much.

I think your excuses sound really lazy. There are dog shelters - good independent ones - that deal with reactive dogs with a history of biting who will
come and give advice.

I think it’s a real shame. When you take on a dog it should be for life come what may and you should be aware you may through no fault get a reactive dog and if you aren’t prepared to do cope with that then you shouldn’t get one. I think it is odd to have been trying for a baby and to have done very little to have prepared for what might happen if he wasn’t able to get used to it.

What is BE?