BE - dog and newborn guilt

[Cat921]

Three weeks ago we had our reactive 14 year old Jack Russell put to sleep because of his strange behaviour around our newborn baby and I feel so guilty.

Our dog was our whole life. We loved him dearly! My husband had him before we met since he was a puppy so for 14 years and I had him for 9 years. He was very reactive and we changed our whole life since I have known my husband for him. He was very territorial of the home and we couldn’t invite people over so we would have to put him upstairs away from visitors. He had previously bitten two people who entered the house quite a few years previously.
He accepted my mum eventually after she give him treats but had to be introduced with a muzzle. On walks we kept him close to use as he did not like other dogs or people and we were unsure if he would bite out of anxiety. He was an anxious dog who hated baths, blowing out candles, and sneezes. He would need to be on a lead in the garden as he hated the dog next door and would bark at him incessantly through the fence and we also were worried about him getting out and potentially biting someone out of fear. He hated when parcels would be dropped off and we would have to fight to get to the door. He had three people in his life he was fine with and who he loved. He hated the car and we could not take him anywhere or to public places as he would get so anxious.

When we first returned home, for the first three days we were surprised as our dog was fine with our newborn and we introduced them from a distance and let him smell her blanket and baby grow. I bought extra treats and toys for him. I naively thought he would be fine but my husband had had prior reservations before we brought her home. We were hoping he would sense my pregnancy as he would always sit on my knee for cuddles. After a few days, he barked at my baby in her Moses basket and my husband grew unsure of his intentions. He started becoming stressed when she cried as if he realised that she was suddenly here and would hide under the table and started weeing in the house. We never sanctioned him for this. He then started taking an interest in the Moses basket in the living room and was obsessed with jumping up at it even when she wasn’t crying. He wasn’t necessarily bothered about her when I was holding her on the sofa. We contacted a dogs trust behaviourist for advice. We couldn’t have a behaviourist come to the house as he does not accept visitors. He then continued to bark when she cried and we recorded my babies cried and used a doll (suggested by dogs trust) to positively reinforce him leaving it alone with treats but this did not work. He then started jumping up at me on the sofa when holding my baby with his tail down and we recorded this and sent to dogs trust who said it was potentially concerning behaviour. Our dog slept in our bed with us his whole life and our baby had her next to me crib in there and I felt uneasy about him accessing it if I was asleep at night as it was on his level. He never bothered it the previous nights but I ended up sleeping downstairs with her the few nights after that which was hard with a newborn. We had to put his muzzle on to calm him in the house as he would not leave the Moses basket alone.

We were able to manage all of this behaviour previous to my daughter being born as he was the most loving dog with us and never bit us or showed any aggression to me and my husband. We loved him so much but this was hard to manage with a newborn. I think I know ultimately it was the right decision but feel bad as he looked to me to protect him and would always come to me when scared! The guilt is awful! It was such a stressful situation and hormones were everywhere and feel we should have gave him longer than a week to adjust but me and my partner just were unsure of his behaviour and couldn’t read him and weren’t sure if we could take that chance with our newborn. We were worried this anxiety would manifest itself into aggression. We could not rehome him as he would not do well in that situation and could be a potential risk to strangers. We also read that dogs don’t see babies as human and as potentially an animal and prey which scared us. We are heartbroken that we had to make this decision. Anyone had a similar situation and how do I deal with this guilt?

It's actually about someone's random kid, not my own. I'd take a bullet for my kids and my dog. My dog is my best friend in a completely different way to my relationship with my children who aren't by my side 24/7. I'm sorry you can't understand the love some of us have for our animal family members. I'd actually save my dog over my non immediate relatives such as cousins etc too.

That's why it's a silly hypothesis as it doesn't really mean anything other than that you really love your dog. In an equally silly hypothetical situation, I'd let every dog in the whole world die if it was a choice between them and my children. But that doesn't really tell us much other than that I love my kids more than a random stranger's pet - who knew??

Well, exactly.

Well, that's more understandable. But there are people who still believe their dogs are equal to their children and that is not right. It makes me feel sad for their kids.

I understand that people love their pets, but I personally wouldn't take a bullet for my pet. I'd rather live to look after my family and enjoy my life.

Yes exactly . But when pp said that earlier a lot of people got unnecessarily outraged. People become rageful and scornful at the idea that a person could truly love an animal as a member of their family. This is because we live in a culture/ society that depends on a social norm that animal lives are disposable and of low value- as per most of the responses on this thread.

I think people were taking the analogy a bit too literally. Taking my even more ridiculous example above and flipping it, tbh I would think it a bit weird/unhinged if someone said they would hypothetically allow every child on the planet to die to save their dog. That's not me being hypocritical, because pets aren't children.

IME people who say their dog is literally part of the family (as in, saying the dog is literally like a child rather than like family in a "we love him so much, can't imagine life without our lovely dog" kind of way) say that to try to manipulate others. There was a thread at christmas where a lot of crazy dog people were ripping into the OP for not wanting her family members to bring their dogs into her house. People who think like that conveiently don't think that their furry family member needs to behave itself, however. When it suits them the dog magically becomes an animal again!

I still can't believe that some people think the OP should have potentially given up the opportunity ever to have children for the sake of a 14 year old mentally ill dog.

Like I said, dog people are crazy 🤷‍♀️

say that to try to manipulate others

why would people on this thread be expressing that then? Who would they be trying to manipulate for what purposes?

Some people feel differently to others about animals. There are actually plenty of people who vastly prefer animals to children- sometimes other humans in general

dog people are crazy
some people don’t accept the dominant social norm that animals’ lives are disposable / low value.

You did protect him. He clearly had major issues which came out in reactive aggression. A happy/well dog does not behave that way. It sounds like previously you did everything and he still had problems.

The worst thing for this type of dog is to be abandoned or taken to a shelter and then go through the stress of being stuck there or going to another family where there is a huge risk of injury.

I didn't mean on this thread, I meant in general, in my experience. If the dog is presented as a literal family member then it makes it harder to enforce reasonable boundaries re the dog, eg saying you don't want it on the furniture in your own home when it's there with its owners. It's an attempt at manipulation, to try to get their way.

Some people prefer dogs to children, and that's their prerogative. But the dog people also need to accept that they can't enforce on other people their belief that their dog is part of the family.

On the whole, just like with people:

• if someone encounters negativity from someone towards their dog, maybe that person just doesn't like dogs; but
• if someone encounters negativity from most people towards their dog, the problem is the dog and/or the owner, nit the other people.

You also keep mentioning the point around people viewing animals as disposable. You're right, and it's sad, but you're directing the comment at the wrong people. It's (some of) the ones with pets who are the problem on that front, not the ones without...