Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

Do it, OP. Whilst she’s in Spain. Maintaining a relationship with a ‘mother’ who only lets them down will do more harm to them, than good!

If courts get involved, you can say that she told you she’d moved to Spain for good (which actually sounds fairly likely).
Honestly, if she was at least bothering with them once a month then I’d say absolutely not. However given how she just turns up when she feels like it and lets them down, then I truly believe you’ll be doing those DC a favour and saving them from their teen years filled with let downs, broken promises and broken hearts….

@LewisS087 start tonight noting things down .
Work your way back this year then go further abs work through the txts. .

You could keep it quiet and move and see how long it takes for her to figure it out . Would she find the money or even be bothered to fight to keep you there ? It’s a risk but I doubt a judge would over turn it in the circumstances.

Or do it the legal way.

there would only be a legal issue if she bothers to take you to court. She have to pay to petition the court which some deadbeat parents cba to pay for or organise.

I don't claim maintenance for the kids as she said she stop contact all together with them if I did.

That's your answer.

Claim maintenance (which the children are entitled to).

Hopefully she'll cut contact. Problem solved.

@TerrysCIockworkOrangeI 1000% agree. Sexism is rife on here. A woman posts and refers to how she’s a SAHM and nobody bats an eyelid. A woman posts referring to how she’s has an agreement with her partner that he stays at home and does everything, whilst she earns all the money and her partner gets called a ‘lazy dosser’ or similar. It’s appalling.
I often wonder if one day someone will conduct a social experiment on Mumsnet and post two identical situations but with sex roles reversed.

Let’s agree to disagree, I live in Cornwall and have done so for over forty years, with family up north and have done the journey countless times. If you’re prepared to make an early start you can whizz down here. In the 80/90,s yes traffic was jammed, but not now, in fact we often comment on how easy is.

I would move. I would seek legal advice but still move. If my ex was a deadbeat dad (and she is a deadbeat mom) then I would do what works best for the family.

No court order, we've never been to court, she left when my daughter was stil a baby and she's had some contact since but it's not been regular as she refuses to stick to it.

I wouldn't be running my life to adhere to the wishes of someone like that.

You obviously need legal advice on your rights before you act but I don't think you should consider this woman at all - she sounds utterly useless. It'll probably be better for the kids to be away from her and the constant letdowns.

This is about your DC’s childhoods and what’s best for them. Not what’s best for her (so-called) parenthood.

Well yeah. If you set off at the crack of dawn, or middle of the night, you'll "whizz down" (not sure 5odd hours is whizzing, but ok). But that isn't very realistic to do as a return trip on a monthly basis, with children is it?

I'd say go for it OP. You have the chance to give your kids a happy, stable life. The mother clearly isn't interested. However she may well not take this lying down and cause a fuss out of spite. You may be best taking this to family court.
I have a similar experience and the mother has caused many issues, even down to not allowing her dc to have covid jabs when she herself had them, to try and stop them being able to go on holiday. Some parents are just vindictive and certainly don't put the interests of their dc first. Your ex sounds like one.

It probably does a lot more harm to a child to have a parent who doesn't show up when they're expected to than to live a long distance from that parent and see them at infrequent intervals but reliably.
I think you should keep a diary of the times that the children's mother was supposed to come, the reminders you sent, and the times she did not show up. This might help strengthen the case for being allowed to move further away.

It's if parents both have PR, as either can seek court approval to block the other moving their DC's school. The court will often consider multiple factors, including how much the DC see the non resident parent, any extended family, etc. In the case of a far away or foreign move, it can help if the RP can evidence that they have to move for their job, or will be unemployed, rather than it being for additional lifestyle reasons. So I had a job in Kent, and wanted to take a new one on the other side of London, but XH opposed DD moving schools and said DD should come and live with him instead (though he was only seeing her for half a day a month!). The court refused to let her move school, prioritising her half day with her father over the benefits of moving near my extended family. So I couldn't take the new job, but at least I got a court order in place for contact, which stopped him messing us about with me taking her on holiday.

I seen some people asking if I was in a relationship when my daughter was a newborn. No this is not the case my daughter was one and son was three, I met someone and we took it very slow, spending lunch brakes together and the very occasional Saturday, didn't meet each other's children until 7 months of seeing each other, it's been 5 years now, we have a home, joint money and will be married this year, she loves my children and I love hers. I would love my kids to have a good relationship with their mum but I just can't see it happening, I would never stop her seeing them, she's free to see them whenever she wants, the kids have such a better life when we are in Cornwall and with my parents there it would be wonderful. I have made a note in my phone of how many visits she's had over the last year and all the times she's let them down, I am going to get legal advice tomorrow and hopefully get the ball rolling as I'm worried this is going to be long and difficult.

Be interesting to what the legal advice would be

On a side note how far away from Manchester airport are you currently? Apparently you can fly from Newquay to Manchester once a day, who knew?

I also would not do the drive tbh. A friend of mine did similar - moved from London to her home town because her deadbeat ex refused to pay child maintenance or provide any other support ao she had to move near to family.

At first she did the drive backwards and forwards because she was obsessed with him “having a relationship with his dad” and felt guilty moving away. But it was so problematic she gave up and he started seeing his son once a year.

Surely this is something you can take to court or mediation to have them decide. They will look at what is best for the children which is all that matters. They will consider all the evidence.

for the people saying it is too far, I lived 300 miles from one of parent’s growing up so never saw them in term time. I only saw them in the holidays. Not ideal for sure but we maintained and still do have a close relationship. It was the best decision for my parent who moved for a variety of reasons.

Do it OP, you'll have a better life and if your DC's Mum wants to see them, she can make the effort to visit.

My DB lives near Manchester and spends a lot of time in SW Cornwall. They make an early start and can get there in five hours.

Ignore the posters who say the DC will want to leave or will hate it as teens. My DC have grown up in a rural area - one of them has left but the others are happy here and want to stay. No one can predict their DCs choices and it's years away.

Well, for all the posters saying that Cornwall is too far and you are being unreasonable, I say your EX ids being more unreasonable, hardly bothering with the kids, when they are only 5 mins away.

So I would want to put the kids first and move to Cornwall.

It wouldn’t be you ending their mum’s relationship with the kids; she’s doing that all by herself.

the kids absolutely love Cornwall and they have friends that live near by partners parents, they constantly ask when we are going back, we wouldn't even consider moving if the kids didn't want it also

Sure. Do they understand time and distance and the impact it will have on their already complex relationship with mum?

I feel for you. I moved post divorce and got court permission for it although the ex ended up moving too. They are young adults now and their relationship with their dad is pretty shit - but that is 100% his doing. I am glad that in the end the distance wasn't a factor. I do think if they'd seen him less it would have been easier for him to blame me, literally handing him the stick of dynamite to throw at difficult adolescent-parent relationships. I like they knew him warts and all and that they never got the opportunity to put him on an undeserving pedestal. If a stroppy adolescent girl goes to live with mum at that distance you will struggle to maintain your own contact - and the impact could be huge. Be careful. Really careful.

YANBU imo, Cornwall sounds great for your kids

I’d suggest mediation then court if you are really serious. I can see your side and the kids right to a relationship with their mum side.

it’s not just about you doing the drive it’s the amount of time the kids are in the car too.

also do you plan to have a child with your partner? Is it then fair to leave her parenting alone every time you drive the kids up to their mum?

even if you don’t share a child. Both you and the children are going to be tired and grumpy from such a drive once a month. That will impact their schooling and possibly impact how nice a partner you are to current partner. Not just mood but your share of the housework etc will slip if you are ferrying back and forth and that’s not current partners job to pick up the slack.

i do understand how you feel. I’m tied to my area by an ex who cancels his minimal contact as much as he has it. Kids always come back stressed and challenging. I’d love to move and have a better life but know I can’t win it in court because he DOES see them. You will have the same problem. Get legal advice to confirm but that was the advice I was given. And this may be the only situation where sexism goes against the man. It’s lawfully seen as both parents equal but many people still feel a mother more important

Lawyers always verge on the side of caution . They won’t give you best outcome just the worst .
They also want you to spend your money.
They won’t tell you what you should do but what the law says you should do .
Honestly there is never often any consequences i these situations. .
I doubt any judge would think the mother has much say in this one .

I would definitely go if your kids want to.

The only issues are that you will be the one moving away, so you will have your be the one to drive them to see her.

If she goes to court for more access, then this could mean that you legally have to drive them to see her more often which could be a problem.

I moved a similar distance and my DCs dad (who had barely seen them and had refused contact) tried taking me to court to stop me moving away.
It was purely a control thing.

Your ex could do the same.

I would tell her it’s happening soon.
That way, if she takes you to court etc you can sort it all out beforehand and see if it’s feasible for you to still move.

Make sure you screenshot every message she sends you, as she could turn around and say you’ve stopped contact or she’s been seeing them more than she has.