Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

If there's no court order, there's nothing to stop you moving within the jurisdiction (e.g. England). If it really is the best thing for the kids, you can move, and then deal with the fallout - which sounds like it will be minimal. If she takes you to court, you'll stand a very good chance of the court agreeing with you (not guaranteed however).

The risk if she does apply to court is that the court will order the children to be returned while the matter is dealt with. I have seen this happen on a number of occasions. Judges don’t tend to like parents making unilateral decisions over something as potentially life changing as this.

Cafcass would then undertake a welfare report and you’d be asked by the court to evidence how you would meet all of the children’s needs including maintaining their relationship with mum (look into the flight costs and times, as I imagine the court would say a regular long drive wouldn’t be great for the kids). The quality of the current relationship with mum would be a factor, as would the children’s wishes.

It’s effectively asking the court to undertake a balancing exercise, pros and cons, in respect of the impact on the children.

What’s the chances this woman is on a kind of decent income? Less than zero I’d hazard a guess

Hi @LewisS087 I would say go for it. You’ve already said you would be willing to travel to Manchester for mum to see them (so potentially she could see them more than she is now, although she won’t change). The kids clearly have a great life with you and would be supported by both your and your partner’s family in Cornwall.
She could potentially take you to court to stop this, but she probably won’t and if she did I think it unlikely she would win given the current level of contact.
As long as the kids know you will always facilitate contact when they want (and when mum can be bothered unfortunately). I think you should make the move to Cornwall and enjoy a lovely life there.

What do you think her response would be if you applied to court to formalise your arrangement (maybe try and cut down the amount of time she is allotted to more closely represent the amount of time she currently takes them), then apply for maintenance and offer to drop the maintenance request if she allows the move to Cornwall? (I wouldn't offer to drive them up to see her more than a few times a year, though. That's a crazy drive for you and them).

I’d go for it, their mother clearly isn’t interested, you’ll all have a far better life in Cornwall. She can still see them.

I agree!

Back on planet earth -I would move. No question. I think many folk would too.

Usually I would say I think it's unfair and you shouldn't. But in these circumstances they are set to gain so much more than they will lose. They've got a half arsed Mum who doesn't bother and doesn't contribute and isn't interested, and they're not interested in her. They have so so much to gain fire having what will be a lovely family life down there.... Even if it's not technically all their own family. Go for it, please.

Is there an easier way to see new comments or do I have to keep scrolling to the bottom each time?

I’d move whilst she’s in Spain. Honestly she doesn’t sound the sort to take you to court so just go for it

If you can do it legally I would.

I'm pretty sure if this was a mum wanting to move away from a deadbeat dad to somewhere with good family support and guaranteed employment, plus the offer to drive kids for access visits then she'd get full support on MN.

See below 😀 (well, one my photo is given the ok!)

I wouldn't. As lovely as their step mum and step grandparents are I'm sure, they're not their real family and never will be. Sorry if that sounds harsh - it's not meant to be it's just a fact. Family matters. Their mum matters and always will, no matter how shit she is, especially as they get older and especially if one or both children are girls. I wouldn't do this to them. Nor would I do the long drive regularly - that's just awful. I also don't think Cornwall in general is great for teens - Manchester is much better.

Well then, former partner, since we must remain in Manchester, we need to work out the legal agreement. Which will include your paying maintenance and keeping to the visitation schedule. When are you free to meet with the solicitor?

I think the drive is very long but I looked up flights and they are not expensive so I would go that route.

I’d wait a little longer and try once more to show you did everything you could with her. I doubt she’ll change but what ifs are v painful for children.

My mum moved to Cornwall from London just before she had me with my half siblings, creating a similar distance between them and their dad (who’d already moved to the east coast). Contact was already v sporadic but it reduced to once a year in the summer. My brother was very angry and hurt in his teens by his dad’s absence and blamed my mum, encouraged by his dad who said he’d have visited more if they hadn’t moved.

Don’t give her that opportunity, explain you’ll move if things don’t change then document her failure to engage - use an app for contact so you have irrefutable evidence you are trying to maintain contact, go to mediation, etc. Seek a court order with that evidence so everything is by the book and she has no one to blame but herself.

I’d do it. If she is bothered she can visit kids in school holidays or kids can go up to Manchester during the school holidays. Travelling can be alternated and/or shared.
It may end any lingering contact that they have at the moment but it sounds like it’s fading anyway and she will keep letting them down.

I can't believe the people saying 'you can't move them away', etc. The mother is not interested. If it were the mother saying she wanted to move as her parents/support network were moving and the father was a deadbeat (just like this mum is!) then I sadly feel the answers would be a lot different.

My friend split with her husband and moved overseas with their daughter. She had to go to court over it but the court ruled she could take her, and put in place an order whereby the child has to spend so many weeks in the uk with their dad.

The court ruled in her favour to take the child overseas as there was no good reason not to, the mother was the main carer and she proposed a great lifestyle and benefits from living overseas.

I suspect it very much depends on the judge you get on the day if you get a court order for custody arrangement. but your ex wife can't stop you moving. She can go through the courts for custody, but it sounds like you have a good case to prove you should be the main carer and noone can stop you from moving elsewhere in the uk.

Not true that no-one can stop a resident parent moving elsewhere in the UK. The non-resident parent/court can stop a child from changing schools, which certainly limits where resident parent can move to. This is what happened to me and DD.

I say go for it (after getting legal advice). Sounds like you can offer a better life down there. And raise a claim for CMS!

Oh thats terrible :( i didnt realise about schools. Would this be if a court order is in place already? My friend had a big legal battle but won the right to move with her son overseas and change schools, but they had not had an order in place before that point. The father wasnt a deadbeat, it was just a messy break up so he wasnt a risk to the child. The court just found in favour of my friend.

You can fly from Newquay to Manchester pretty cheaply, if that's an option. Much better than 6.5 hours in the car each way!

Even if there is a 1% chance, I'd still do it.

Seek legal advice but it sounds like a really good plan for everyone’s future long term happiness and you’ll still be bending over backwards to try to accommodate their useless Mum but good god she’s had her chance!
Trying to imagine the advice if the roles were reversed, threads like this really highlight that some people (women) on MN have very different rules for Dads that are full time single parents compared to Mums 🙄