To think it's odd this family don't use terms of endearment?

[WhatGoesHere]

So, a family I've known for over 35 years, all lovely people etc but they don't use any form of endearment in every day life. I've spent many days and nights and holidays etc with them, so have seen them at their best, worst and all in between.
There's no darling/hun/sweetheart/dear/dearest etc
It was so jarring once I noticed.

AIBU it think it's a bit odd?

I mean, nothing at all to do with me, doesn't affect me... but find it a little sad to be frank.

I don't understand how you can reach adulthood and not grasp that a lot of things that happen in families are cultural and didn't spring fully formed from an innate rightness and how things must be.

It's a bit shitty to mock other people's cultural norms calling them bizarre, madness and implying that other families don't love each other, their children don't know that they are loved, and don't communicate that love in a way that is culturally normal to them.

You are not wrong to communicate affection within your family via the medium of pet names and frequent use of words such as sweetie, darling or hun. My first impression would be a sense of insincerity a la Ab Fab, but obviously I would a) realise that's just how you were and b) certainly not mock you.

Other people are not wrong to have different ways of communicating. I do use pet, love, hen sometimes but mostly no, that's not how we communicate in my family and you might never hear me use those words as I don't pepper my speech with them routinely.

Those terms of endearment are so vulgar, especially in front of other people - there is only one thing worse - people saying 'I love you' at the end of a telephone conversation on public transport!!!!!!

@owlexpress "Not everyone has kids. You don't need children to be a family."

Wait for the OP to pop up and say that they find that "bizarre" too.

Just remembered that dd sometimes calls me dearest, darling mother. However, there is a distinct sarcastic undercurrent to it and it always precludes a request of some sort, usually because she has forgotten to do or get something.

Swiftie1878
My mother never told me she loved me. Not once. And l don't remember her ever cuddling or hugging me, either, even as a child. Never played with me. (I was an only child).
The first time l stayed at my best friend's house (I was 14) when we were going to bed, her mam hugged her and said goodnight, God bless.
Then she did the same to me. And it was so overwhelming l burst into tears.
Her poor mam was so puzzled, and when my friend explained to her the next day, she couldn't believe it.
My friend had two brothers, quite big age gaps between all of them, but they were all affectionate and clearly very close.
My friend's mam turned out to be like a mother to me. I've never forgotten her kindness.

Totally agree. All that 'I love you hun' 'hi sweetheart' shouted as loudly as possible is completely ridiculous.

OP you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I'm also failing to see why this bothers you so much. YABU

Glad I'm not the only one.

This thread has turned tedious now with people outdoing each other to go the other way - so far using pet names is vulgar and a sign you haven't been brought up properly.

Two sides of the same ridiculous coin.

Whether you call your loved ones pet names or not means absolutely fuck all.

It’s not bizarre, what you’re used to doesn’t mean it’s what everyone else does or is used to. My parents never use terms of endearment like the ones you’ve described, we all fiercely love and look after each other and are extremely close, but don’t do pet names/nicknames, never have. You’re coming across as very judgemental and close minded tbh.

My parents never used terms of endearment just our names and nicknames. We had a lot of laughter and love in our house and I honestly never gave it a moments thought.

Hopefully I’m not insulting anyone here but I think it’s a bit of a generational thing. I know my parents and grandparents say it but I don’t speak like that and have never heard my siblings or friends say anything like that to their family.

I have nicknames for my children but silly ones, we say I love you but I don’t tend to say “no my love” or call anyone sweetheart or dear.

Report them to Social Services immediately.

Seriously, OP, you don't think that they might be censoring themselves around you, having noticed you're agog for complete irrelevancies to be judgemental about?

We don't use terms of endearment in our family, nor does anyone in our extended family. I use loads of nicknames for my children and pets though. If I use an endearment with my DH, it would be sarcastic - "yes, dear" type of thing.

We jokingly say things like "I'm quite/very fond of you", "I like you", "You're ok", "This is alright, I'm glad you're still here". We know for us that this means all the nice things.

When I was a kid, we never used to say 'love you' in our house, though I was never in any doubt that I was loved. I mean, there were seven of us. If each of us told the others every day that they loved them, that'd be fifty 'love yous' per day at least, if we got it right. And presumably it'd be terrible to leave someone out.

No, we've all grown up fine thanks. You're right that kids need to know they are loved, but there are plenty of ways of letting them know.

My OH does come from a 'love you' house. So I have to do it rather more than I naturally would. But I really hate the escalation it leads to.

"Love you! Bye!"

"Bye."

"Wait - aren't you going to say it too? You just going to leave me hanging?"

"But if I say it, it'll just be because you said it. Surely that's worse than me not saying it at all."

"No, no - you have to say it! That's the deal."

"If I don't say it, will you think that I don't love you?"

"No! Well..."

"What?"

.....this can go on for minutes. I really don't get it.

What’s bizarre is that you think everyone should use terms of endearment when clearly many people don’t.

I always felt really uncomfortable on the rare occasions my mum called me "love" or anything like that, because it just didn't reflect our relationship at all. I will always refer to people who are younger than me affectionately though, (if I have a genuine fondness for them), usually Sugar Plum or Little One, nor really sure where those came from, to be honest!

Not true. Myself and dp have fab relationship

I use darling for my two or their nicknames. My DF always said love and my DGP said darling as well.

My DS has an unflattering nickname for me.

I don't think I've used the word darling in a serious sense in my life. Nor honey. Nor sweetie. All a bit blurghh. Oi you! Pick that up! That's more my style.

I don’t use any terms of endearment for my husband. And only one very specific nickname one for my son. I promise I do love them, I’m just not the type of person who does that, for any of my relationships 🤷‍♀️

DH family is the same. He doesn’t recall ever being told they love him. My children say “love you nanny/grandad” every time they leave and they just reply “ok, bye”. I do know they love my children, they just are not affectionate at all. My own parents were a little better with me but not great. Me and DH are both very affectionate and have lots of pet names for children.

Calm down, OP. People aren’t saying they have “never once” used terms of endearment just that they don’t habitually.

Well they are saying that 🤷‍♀️

There is a big difference imo.

I tell my son I love him every day. I just don't do it shouting it 'love you hun/dearest/sweetie' across public spaces

So... You use terms of endearment... What's your point?