To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I am so sorry.

Is this what people are referring to as ‘beating’ ?

This is what happened to me, it was called spanking.
I really struggle with it and hate the word.
I think I am scared to say the word beat as it’s so obviously unforgivable.

I was born late 90s and was hit regularly. I do view it as abuse. It wasn’t done always as punishment just if they felt like it or if they perceived you’d done something wrong even if you hadn’t and they didn’t bother checking first. It definitely negatively impacted our relationship and I don’t let them near my children as I know they’d do the same to them.

I manage Sue. Sue was giving me right attitude yesterday. She was warned that if she didn't start behaving in line with the respect at work policy then she would be disciplined. Unfortunately, she was unbelievably rude to a customer. I took her to one side and said "I told you there would be consequences if you continued. You were warned". Then I gave her 3 hard smacks on the bum. Not hard but hard enough to feel for a minute or so. Now she'll know what rude behaviour gets.
It's the best way to learn. I don't know how else I could get the message across.

It's disgusting. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I cannot comprehend how someone "calm" could inflict that level of pain or humiliation on any child, nevermind theirs.

You didn't deserve it. It wasn't good or Godly or anything remotely reasonable.

Not really
I’m 53
we’ve had a fractured relationship
my mum died when I was ten
I now have a narcissist step monster who never let me a part of the family and they paint me as crazy and unhinged. I’ve actually seen emails from them to friends and heard friends tell me what they’ve said.
I finally drew a line before Xmas.
I’ve spent years wondering what to do. I’ve taken police advice from family in police who detest him to counselling advice etc.
He used to take naked pictures of me too that I have some of now, pictures of me showing my knickers as a small kid and he used to masturbate in bed next to me. I never knew why they bed shook till I was older with someone who would do the same and then I realised.
There was physical abuse more so after my mum died let alone emotional abuse.
I tried telling school as a teen but they told him and I got beaten more. Even my nan told them.
I was kicked out at 16 when I became pregnant by an older man. It was my escape.
I had a job set up when I left school (in the 80s) so I could save to leave home but then he told me I’d have to have my wages paid into his bank account and he would allow me travel money to work etc but I had to pay him back all the money he had spent on me as a child.
I have tried to confront him with this but he denied it and gaslights me.
I got him a gift of ancestry dna test few years back as he does family tree etc…did not tell him I did it too. No match!!
I have never let my kids be left around him and when my brother had his daughter I tried telling him but he did not want to hear and we fell out for nine years. He let his daughter stay over etc and he’s a police officer!!
Police have said to me that it’s all very hard to prove and I’ve gone through so much in life I am not sure if I have the strength to go through something like that…six year legal case in the high court after my son was left brain damaged by hospital negligence broke me!!

I remember being smacked but not what for.

She was proud of the marks she left.

I was scared of my mother from childhood until the day she died. Not just from the smacking, she did other things.

My 30 year old uncle did that to 6 year old me. At my grandma's house. Nobody stopped him.

Thankyou.

I knew I deserved to be punished but I always knew violating my body integrity in this way was wrong.

Inflicting pain on kids to make them learn is so clearly wrong I don't see how anyone can defend it.

Yeah this didn't feel like I deserved this.

I think this is understandable

It’s so wrong, back in the 70’s and 80’s when most of these stories occur, men generally didnt get involved in the day-to/day childcare - it was all the women.

But it seems that the point that men(dads, uncles, brothers) stepped in was to hit a tiny child on their bottom in a way that overpowered, frightened and shamed them. Why? Even if you thought there had to be physical punishment (which I never agree with myself) - why is it delivered by the man?

Id be really interested to hear the thought process of any mothers who allowed a man to hit their child.

I was smacked as a teenager. And sometimes with the belt or slipper. By my Mom.

It was for disciplining purposes only.

I’ve had conversations with my mom about it since. I never disagreed with being smacked, I just disagreed with the use of the slipper/belt as I didn’t feel the punishment fitted the crime (I was a fairly well behaved kid, it was my mouth that got me into trouble). I didn’t feel that being lippy with my Mom deserved the belt/slipper.

However, I have an amazing relationship with my mom. Always have had. We’re best friends and I’ve never ever felt I was ‘abused’. I was just disciplined, sometimes harshly in my eyes, but disciplined nonetheless.

I am a seventies child and was smacked by my parents, hit with a wooden spoon on my legs and bum and my dad once took his belt to me on one occasion.

The time my dad took his belt to me was when I took my sister to a friends and never told anyone where we were going and everyone was terrified and panicking looking for us both. I was 8 she was 6. He only hit me once with it and afterwards he was so upset and apologised to me. My mum was horrified he did it, but they had both been beside themselves with worry.

I never really questioned it in those days, as that's what everyone did and how I and my siblings were brought up. My friends were also brought up this way.

It wasn't a regular event and I was in no way abused, but I was made aware that I had done wrong and my behaviour was out of order. It was of it's time to a certain extent.

I have a daughter and I have never smacked, hit her or treated her in that way, and I am glad that it is now frowned upon, however I don't have any long lasting trauma or bad impression of my parents.
Mind you I still remember my dad hitting me with the belt across my legs, so maybe I am traumatised, but I never did it again!

I was smacked constantly but I preferred that to the name calling and shouting in my face. I never smacked my two sons because I never wanted to hurt them in any way.

my mother died a few months ago and I never shed a tear because I never felt loved by her. Smacking was an outlet for her anger - she was brought up in an abusive home and carried on her own parents behaviour. My best revenge was breaking the cycle.

My dad used to hit me. It stopped at 16 when I hit him back. We have no relationship. Would never hit children. It is abuse, a larger adult hitting a smaller vulnerable child. Anyone who can't discipline any other way needs parenting classes imo.

My brother was incredibly violent as a teen and I have no doubt this contributed to it as he hit people who he thought had done wrong

My mum smacked me throughout my childhood. She now denies it, or rather says it didn't count, but she does admit to smacking my brother, including as a baby and toddler. I often wondered whether having been smacked myself would mean that, when I got cross with my own children, I'd feel the urge to smack them. I am pleased to say that the answer to that is a clear no.

I’m also of this age too and it has never bothered me as an adult . My mum was the one who dished out the smacks , but when I was a teenager I remember her getting ready to smack me after an argument and I just got her hands and held them down and told her not to hit me ever again, which strangely enough she didn’t. Felt quite empowering.

I was smacked if I pushed my parents to the limit but never for minor infractions. One time it was for persistent whining when out, and another time my parents had got a new bed and me and my brother snuck behind the old one when we were told not to, my Dad smacked us both as it was dangerous. When I was about 7 I used to fixate on being smacked and exaggerated it, wrote about it in a story at school etc but looking back it didn't happen very often and my Mum was hurt that I seemed to make such a big thing of it.

I've never smacked my own children, though I have physically intervened when they have done something dangerous such as running into the road.

Maybe your 7-year old self fixated on the smacking because it was a big deal for you as a child (even if it’s not now)?

Did your mum try to understand your feelings around it or just tell you she was “hurt”?

Well done to you (and all the other people on this thread) who managed to break the cycle for their own children

I think I was smacked , difficult to remember. My mum was a teacher in the 60s/70s/80s and certainly wasn't against it.

At our school the head teacher and deputy head used to cane and slipper kids.

I remember one kid coming back to class with huge welts on his hands , tears silently running down his face. That headteacher must have had a cruel and abusive streak..probably went home to his family thinking he done a good job.

I think back now that he was lucky the child's parent didn't take revenge on him..can you imagine now your child coming home from school having been physically assaulted by an adult in charge of them? You would be phoning the police.

My Mum (and my Dad) couldn't get their heads around why I thought it was such a big deal that I was smacked as a child. Thankfully it had no lasting effects as I got older. They did the same to my brother and for the same reasons. I think as a parent, I could understand more why they might have reacted, for example a child whining all the way home would cause a parent to snap and I would be the same (the amount of times I have got cross with my youngest for crying when I've told her no or when she hasn't been listening).

He should be in prison. His behaviour was physically abusive with an element of sexual abuse as well. I hope he dies alone.

My mum didn’t just allow it, she used to try and goad my dad into doing it. He’d get home and she’d be in bed all teary eyed, migraine she feels sick etc because how horrible I had been.

He only did it a couple of times (he was more the talk it out type , probably because he was beaten as a child himself) and the last time he left a mark with his ring and felt so guilty he never did it again. He did still shout or tell me off but never raised his hand again. Funnily enough mum’s dramatic episodes had massively decreased after that.

Yes, the alternatives could be more damaging!

i feel the issue is not whether a child is smacked per se but whether the punishment is part of a loving and supportive parenting approach.

If parents are not loving, then many punishments are worse than smacking imo eg emotional blackmail etc.

I am remembering my friend's son who would punch her in his autistic rage when younger. This didn't stop until he was around 17 years old. Sometimes she was black and blue and definitely traumatised. I don't believe she ever hit him and I don't think it would have helped but I do think it's a good example of a parent needing to defend themselves against their child.

My son has just turned 13 years old and is already taller than me and has a longer reach. I am grateful that his autistic rage has always been limited to shouting and pacing (although that can be pretty wearing) as I don't know how I could defend myself if he became physically violent.

We have never used smacking as part of our discipline with our DS but then he talked early, his autism causes him to be quite rule-abiding and we have generally been able to reason with him. Smacking? Just no real need, fortunately. With a different child, it might have been a different story. Who knows?

I sympathise, hugely, with people who have described lasting damage caused to them by parents who abused them regularly in anger. I feel there is no excuse for this type of abuse.

However, I can also relate to people who experienced smacking as a rare disciplinary measure that they feel caused them no harm.

I also think that many of today's children (my DS, for sure) would envy them their opportunity to learn effectively in well managed classrooms but how to have good discipline without the possibility of abuse?