To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I was smacked, usually on the leg sometimes in the 60s. It had no effect on me whatsoever and I couldn’t care less about it. I wouldn’t give it a moment’s thought!

I hit my dad age 17 before he had the chance to hit me. He never did it again. He was still a miserable sod though.

Doesn’t bother me at all. I think my mum was right. Parents are scared to discipline their kids these days and parents are more scared of their kids.

No. I've never been scared to discipline my kids. A parent has to discipline kids because kids need to understand what's acceptable and what's not.

And what's not is hitting people so that they will do what you tell them.

I'm in my early 70's - born mid 50's - and it was standard practice to discipline children, both at home and in school, with smacking or similar in the home and even caning or hitting on hands/legs with a ruler in school.

My personal experience of this is that it was proportional and I actually consider myself a better person as an adult for having very clear discipline, clearly laid down rules and a clear idea of what was right and wrong. I fully acknowledge that other kids of my era had parent and teachers who over-stepped boundaries on this issue.

I do not consider that I was abused as a child because I was smacked occasionally to reinforce parental discipline.

Do you hit your kids if you think it’s ok? If not why not?

it is more than possible to “discipline” kids without physical violence. I have never needed to use punishment or fear based discipline, simple reinforcement of boundaries and modelling acceptable behaviour appears to have been effective enough.

i deliberately did not raise my kids to accept “my word is law, don’t question”. As girls I wanted them to have the confidence to voice their opinions and expect to be heard. Not to be conditioned into accepting authority whether that authority is right or wrong. I taught them to ask questions and stand up for themselves and others if needed.

my motto has always been doesn’t matter what the problem is, I will help you fix it. Not I will punish you for your mistake.

This.
It's not remotely negatively affected my life.

This isn’t a thread about if people hit their kids it’s about if they were hit as a child. I agree with smacking. It does not bother or upset me and I feel nothing about it as an adult.

At one point in time it was also illegal to be gay and domestic abuse was acceptable. We can still acknowledge it was wrong and an abuse of power.

What I don’t understand about smacking is that yes, on paper smacking looks like terrible parenting and setting a bad example. So why are children not only so badly behaved but so miserable/anxious since smacking was made illegal? I was smacked, I don’t really care, I’ve never smacked my own children or even raised a hand to them as I’ve never needed to. I haven’t grown up to be a violent person yet there are many more violent kids in school since we stopped ‘setting a bad example’? Why?

I has affected me greatly. Also my relationship with my parents. I see why they did it, but it is unforgivable.

I’m 71 and reading this thread is incredibly painful; my mother regularly hit me using her hand, a clothes brush or a cane. I was terrified of her. I would constantly ask if I’d been a good girl and she wouldn’t answer so I lived in fear of her.
My father never touched me or my younger siblings, he seemed to just ignore her behaviour towards us.
I would get hit for something my younger sister had done, she was a great liar, of her twin and I would get hit because of something she’d done (she was the golden girl until the day my mother died in her 90’s)
I never did anything right in my mother’s eyes, and I never grieved when my parents died.

I think there is a big difference between smacked and beaten, I was smacked quite a number of times, quite happy to admit I fully deserved it. Didn't do me any harm.

Same here.

I was not smacked by my mother but she sometimes told me how disappointed she was with my behaviour and that really made me upset and want to behave more kindly.

My Dad smacked me three times that I can remember.
I was very naughty - flicking something in my brother's eyes, breaking off newly planted roses and calling my mother a horrible mother.
I was very young the first two smacks and they happened right there and then, near the brother and near the roses.
I was a young teenager when I spoke terribly to Mum. I was warned that I would get a smack if I spoke to Mum like that - so I called her a horrible mother again and was asked to step outside to receive a smack on the back porch.
It stung and I knew I deserved it. I was nicer to Mum afterwards and I apologised but was still a pretty mouthy kid at home as a teenager.
I remember always being proud to behave well in public, I enjoyed being good. It was comfortable and I felt like an equal member of society when I followed protocol.
All of my siblings also received about three or four smacks and we discuss them, still. No one was ever sent to their room or given long discussions. We knew the rules; the smacks were fair. We were a large family and we socialised with our parents and other families quite regularly. Sunday School, Brownies, Netball, Gala Parades, Flower Shows, Pony Club.
No kids were smacked by their parents in public. Some naughty children were told that they would get a smack but I never saw one.

Kids were formally smacked at school in the 1970s and 1980s. I earnt one smack once for climbing onto the school roof. The waiting in the headmasters office and being told that my parents would be informed was worse than the smack on the hand with the ruler, to be honest.

I was smacked, although not often. On balance my parents were good parents trying to do their best. There are a number of things they did badly in my opinion that I've tried not to repeat with my own children. They parented in the 80s which was a very different time and culture. They are good people and having acknowledged the things that were particularly impactful on me, I've let it go.

I think it's useful to acknowledge when any unhelpful voices in our head are their voices and where any patterns in our behaviour that stem from childhood no longer serve us and we can replace them with our own thoughts and behaviour. Their values don't have to be our values etc. But I also think the pendulum has the potential to swing too far and we can lose our sense of perspective a bit.

To all those posters that are suggesting the demise of snacking is the cause of poor discipline in schools (and elsewhere): correlation is not cause. Other things that could be contributing to this include, but are not limited to: a lack of outdoor play (both in and out of school, for all sorts of reasons, most of which aren’t within the power of individual parents to control); a lack of physical play (obviously linked to the former); a lack of unstructured, unsupervised play (again, for complex, societal reasons); starting formal education far too young; a one-size fits all curriculum with failure deliberately built in for the least-academically able third - and few opportunities for dignified, rewarding work beyond school for said third . . . I could go on, but the point is, it’s not that simple, and anyone who claims it is, is not really interested in finding the true cause (s) and fixing it (them): they’re just indulging in a bit of parent-bashing, because, well, it’s what we’re all do, isn’t it, blame rather than seek to understand. It’s more fun/satisfying.

I was smacked the odd time, and it didn't do me any harm that I'm aware of. It was only when I did something really stupid/dangerous. OP, your mother was an abuser. I have cousins who were most likely messed up by their mother. They lived in terror of her. Their father was no saint either, but she was a demon when she was in a bad mood.

I would never smack a child as I think it's wrong.

how do you feel about it now?
That DM chose to use me as her own personal stress ball when I was little continues to inform my view of and relationship with her (it's not the only thing though). I don't think smacking was that acceptable - my friends witnessed (and commented on) DM hitting me but it was my normal, not theirs.

There’s a smack and there’s abuse. Different things. Quite frankly I think a smack today would do some bratty children good.

If you got smacked did you also get beaten up at school?

Ditto.

but once again people can’t differentiate between a slap on the back of the leg and being beaten with a slipper, belt, cane etc.

I was smacked (rarely though) but my next door neighbours (similar ages) were hit with a belt. That absolutely horrified me. There are always limits.

I don’t think you can blame the rise in violence on banning smacking as it’s only illegal in Scotland and Wales so England should have well behaved young people by that standard. You say you don’t smack so how are your children? Mine have never been smacked and are not violent or aggressive and that goes for most of my friendship group.

The issues with young people and violence is probably due to many factors including social media and internet access, having both parents who work, permissive parents, poverty, decline in opportunities for young people… it will never be down to just 1 factor.

70s baby here - v v regular smacking: hands / wooden spoon (leaving marks)
looking back it’s strange because I was a v quiet child not at all ‘naughty’

Parents have little recollection of this and if I have ever brought it up they would change the subject

I was smacked by both parents. I think it's lazy parenting because it's discipline through fear rather than appropriate consequences.

Having said that it was quite common and of its time. Most of our friends, cousins etc got smacked too.

The times I must remember and feel angry and aggrieved about however are the times my parents lashed out and smacked before establishing the position (i.e. that a different child had committed the "offence" or something had broken/ fallen accidentally; we weren't allowed to explain as that was "answering back" and resulted in more smacks). Or, even worse, when the parent just seemed to be hitting out of pure anger to make themselves feel better. Those are the times that seemed so unjust and make me feel upset even now, decades later.

The answering back thing was unfair and ridiculous. I used to think even a criminal in a dock is allowed to defend themselves but I am not.