To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I remember reading that the year after corporal punishment was banned in schools, assaults on teachers by students halved. I remember more big playground fights in my own primary school than in my dcs'. Smacking has been illegal in Sweden since the 70s, but I'm not aware that it's a particularly violent country.
You said you don't smack your own kids. Are they violent? My dc fought a lot less than me and my sister did as violence was normalised in my family.

I was smacked and beaten. Several times a week. Sometimes with her hands/fists, other times with implements such as wooden breadboards with a handle, shoes/slippers, feather dusters. Whatever was close to hand. We weren’t naughty kids but would be beaten for the slightest thing. I was often beaten/hit for the crime of not controlling my younger siblings when they were naughty/squabbling.

When my sister challenged her about it many years later she denied it! Didn’t remember any of it! I’ve been NC with her for almost 10 years now for many many reasons. And I never hit/beat my kids.

I get annoyed/upset about it sometimes. I often wonder why neighbours never reported it. They must have heard the screams and shouts. She gave my sister one hell of a hiding at a caravan park one summer, all the doors open and families about. No one said a thing!

I think it entirely depends on the circumstances. I was smacked by both of my (separated) parents. My dad it was very rarely, never particularly hard and only ever when I had done something very bad/dangerous and repeated warnings hadn't helped. I actually only remember it happening twice, though he admits it was more than that. I don't feel any resentment or fear of him and honestly don't feel that it harmed me or our relationship. My mother was very different. I was smacked for being bad, but also for being tired, for being slow, for talking, for simply existing when she was in a bad mood. I was threatened with a studded belt, hit with objects, humiliated in public, called disgusting names, generally neglected and underfed. So honestly I find it rather upsetting when otherwise loving, decent parents are tarred with the same brush as actual abusers for simply following typical parenting methods of their time.

I was smacked as a last resort by my mum . Never felt it was abuse as used very rarely and to be honest I deserved it most of the time . Nowadays I just feel that parents try to be friends with their children instead of parenting

Me either. It probably kept me on the straight and narrow

I got a smacked bottom from time to
time when I was in primary school. Never thought much of it at the time nor do I now. Middle class parents, nice house, good schooling etc- early 90s and lots of parents did it ( friends’ accounts).Wouldn’t do it to mine but harbour no ill will.

I was smacked with alarming regularity all over but especially the face I used to wonder how my head didn’t fall off because she would gear up like she was fighting an adult not a tiny toddler.

in response to the question I despise my mother and I have very low contact if at all she knows nothing about me and life.

not only has it left me with emotional wounds such as C-PTSD, low self esteem etc it’s also left me open to abusive relationships with partners as I assumed I was to be treated poorly.

I’ve never hit my children this cycle ends with me, I’m not a perfect parent no one is but I want my children to have a childhood they don’t need to recover from.

I was smacked in the ‘80’s. Not often and always with a warning beforehand. I’ve never really given it much thought although I wouldn’t smack my kids. Things change.

I was smacked (quite a lot as I was the ‘naughty’ child in our family apparently) - I hated it at the time, but I don’t think it’s done me any long term damage. It’s just what it was like back then in the 80s / early 90s. I think what I have noticed far more since I have had my own children is the lack of expression and love in my childhood family setting. I tell my children I love them all the time, and while we obviously fall out occasionally or they get fed up with us when we have to discipline them (never by smacking or other physical means though), they almost always say “love you” casually back to me as they leave the car in the morning at school, or when I go up to say goodnight etc. I can’t recall a single time when my parents have ever said “I love you” to me, nor have I ever said it to them. It simply wasn’t the done thing back then and being very stiff upper lip-ish is just engrained in me now with how I deal with my parents. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer, my mother sent me a card that had “get well soon, best wishes, Mum and Dad” written in it, and then we never spoke of my illness again. Families are funny, I have no doubt that my parents must be fond of me in their own way, but they just would never say it. I can recall being highly delighted on the one occasion my sibling was smacked, so maybe I am a psycho after all (or I was just sick of him always getting away with everything because I was the scapegoat and he was the golden child)!

I feel sad, mainly. I was so scared all the time of doing something ‘wrong’ and giving my mum the excuse to lose it. Even using my eraser on my maths homework, leaving rubber bits on the breakfast bar, was enough to catch it. It resulted in me being sneaky, trying to hide mistakes and desperately doing everything to keep my mum as happy as possible while simmering with resentment inside. Classic people pleaser behaviour.

So much to unpack and unlearn as an adult. I’m just sad at how long it took me to get over being smacked as a kid. To everyone who still maintains that it’s useful for discipline…erm, nope. It just makes grown ups with the instincts of scared, confused kids.

I was smacked occasionally and I'm really close to my parents. I was also an absolute shit head si it was probably deserved 😂I have smacked my eldest twice (she's 15 now) but never the younger 2. I didnit when she ran in the road, and touched the fire(not switched on) , so 2 things that could have serious consequences for her. The younger 2 never did anything i deemed naughty "enough" and also times change (i certainly have) and i learned better ways to deal with things.

I was smacked by my mum. My dad never smacked me.
I loved my mum more than my dad because I always knew she loved me and parented the best way she knew how.
The fear of being smacked also ensured I tried to behave myself because kids can be feral and it did help to ensure I didn’t get into trouble.

I was never scared of my mum, I was scared of being smacked by her for doing something I shouldn’t do.
This has also helped me take accountability, she wasn’t a raging lunatic and being smacked was a consequence of my own behaviour and not anyone else’s.
as I got older, smacking was pointless as I got less scared of it, there were other consequences like talking to me about something I’d done which made me feel awful and in some cases, I’d rather she just smacked me. 😂but I was generally a good kid anyways.

I don't think, hitting a child in anger is ever discipline but in fact someone losing their temper.

If someone is going to choose to smack (I wouldn't) it needs to not be when the parent is angry and potentially out of control

Depends entirely on the severity and the regularity. I probably got a tap on the hand when I was very young...but don't remember. Other than that I can only remember my DM doing it once and my DF the same (though that was mostly fear).
I don't think it negatively affected me. Always surprised how honest I was with my parents compared with some I know, so it didn't effect the relationship.
If kids are of an age you can have a decent 2 way discussion with them I don't see the need for smacking.
Often,eg SILs, kids are appalling but then she never followed through, let them do whatever they wanted when little and was constantly saying the opposite of her partner which is basically the what not to do guide (she also smacked in temper but with or without that they didn't stand much chance....1/3 of SILs DCs turned it around.

There's a big difference between being smacked and beaten.

I was smacked once off my Mum, out of pure fear I had put myself in danger and once by my Dad when I went too far. They both didn't like it either.

I don't remember any pain, just a bit of humiliation. Oh and I learnt from those couple of incidents, thinking it could happen again but it never did as I realised a sense of respect, not fear.

I was smacked as a child, and as a result I have grown up to be a harworking, respectable adult. I dont think about it, and it certanly hasnt caused any mental health issues or ptsd. I have smacked my kids (on the bum). They to are respected hard working adults. When I say to my children that I am sorry that I hit them, they say that they know I would of only done it because they were being really naughty and thank me for caring so much to do it. Otherwise my son says, he might of grown up a brat with no respect for anything like kids do today.

I work in child protection and have done for nearly 20 years. I am also just about old enough to remember the head master in primary school being able to use 'the slipper' on occasion. I was never smacked, this did not mean I had a sunny and care free childhood, my mother's poor mental health and mood swings on reflection now an adult were a different form of punishment/control.

I really believe the smacking children should be made illegal in England (as it is in other parts of the UK and the world). Essentially it is an adult loosing control, does not work and there is a massive power imbalance. For all those saying 'it did not hurt me', well there are thousands of children it did.

As an adult, if I resulted to settling an arguement with physical violence towards another adult I would quite rightly be prosecuted. So how can it be right that someone much larger, with much more power and having adult comprehension of right and wrong can legally assult a minor? It is a loss of control by someone who should have the maturity and life experience to do better. In the longer term, the message this gives out to children with developing minds and without adult comprehension is wrong on so many levels. The behavior children learn is modelled by the adults and society they grow up with.

Father used belt often for little reason. My Mother didn’t try to stop him. Flashbacks to this day.

I was smacked, usually because I had been told several times and didn't stop whatever it was! It wasn't abuse, I just pushed boundaries until I got a smack and I knew they meant business!
There is definitely a difference between getting a smacked backside and being beaten, especially when you have been warned repeatedly as a child and still carried on!

I was smacked as a child, by my mother and stepfather. My mother was struggling mentally and my stepfather was sexually abusing me and my sister. We were smacked for different reasons by each but much more by my stepfather. The emotional impact of having an emotional abused mother and being sexually and emotionally abused by my stepfather was worse.

A lot of people followed on from their parents, my DF & DM would have had canes used on them in the 60's. Whenever we were smacked in the 80's it was followed by an explanation and then asked if we were okay.

The threat worked.

There is a huge difference between a smacked bottom in the 80's from a loving parent, versus a violent physical attack by a cruel parent

That is unforgivable. Smacking today, is unacceptable.

I was smacked as a child and would get a proper beating in my early years. Yes I very much view it as abusive looking back.

Looking back now there is a frustration and sadness around it - it’s impacted my own ability to regulate my emotions, and I’m sad for my younger self that I was disciplined with anger rather than with love. At the same time however I can see that I was disciplined in the only way my mum knew how, it reflected her own upbringing and her own inability to properly regulate her own emotions. She used to beat us until one day she beat us really badly, and it shocked her enough to stop. I’m proud of her that she did, but I’m sad for myself that I experienced it. There’s also a bit of anger there that I even have to experience these confusing emotions of feeling sorry for her when I wish she’d maybe tried harder, but it is what it is. She worked hard to break generational issues, and she did her best. Now I do my best, and I’d never lift my hands to my own kids. I’d never dream of hitting another adult, why on earth would I hit a kid who I’m supposed to be guiding into adulthood?

I agree with the posters who have said it was a different time then. However there is a smack and then there is a beating. We were smacked as children but I always felt very loved and secure and I have a great relationship with my parents now. In fact sometimes as kids we knew we would get a slipper in our direction if we did something rebellious and it was almost exciting. I never recall feeling physical pain and most of the time my mum would threaten to “smack them teef off your face!” 🤣

I was smacked a bit but not often. I do remember them still when happy memories are not easy to remember.

I am close to my mum though. We definitely weren’t hit a lot.

I was smacked when I did something wrong. Mainly fighting with my sister's or arguing with my mam. I think a lot of people were in the 2000s which is why there is very little discipline now. I remember feeling so helpless and will never hit my children. I won't even shout at them.