To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I was smacked. I won't say uts traumatised me or anything as I rarely think of it. But when I do, I feel a hot, creeping sense of shame, which is completely ridiculous given that all kids make mistakes.

It did definitely mean I was too afraid to go to my parents with real problems though, which wasn't great when I got into my late teens and could really have used their support.

I still feel upset now if I see a child being smacked or yelled at in an out of control way in the street. I don't normally take much notice of children out and about as I don't have any of my own, but I feel upset and anxious on the child's behalf, it takes me back to my own childhood.

Good points!

I wonder which parenting style (70s vs now) is better overall for kids?

I personally had a great childhood with lots of freedoms and fun in the 70s whilst at the same time having strict rules and boundaries that involved being smacked when I misbehaved. It seemed to work!

@PresidentBarklett It did definitely mean I was too afraid to go to my parents with real problems though, which wasn't great when I got into my late teens and could really have used their support.
Certainly, this happened to me, and I expect to many others as well. I got into a habit of only telling my parents problems long after they had happened, not at the time, when they might have been able to help. As a young adult, if I was considering doing something new, such as a new job, I didn't tell my parents about it until it was un fait accompli, in case they disapproved.

I think on this thread there is a lot of conflating serious child abuse and intimidation with an occasional smack in an otherwise predictable and loving family. No-one would ever say the former doesn’t have serious long term consequences but it is so far away from the occasional smack in a received which was the cultural norm at the time. Yes massively outdated now like so many aspects of my childhood, but for me really not damaging.

I agree. I had parents who loved me and genuinely wanted the best for me. I was safe with them. If I was badly behaved I was occasionally smacked... I have not been affected by this long term. I wasn't scared of my parents.

Lots of these stories though are horrific, and the smacking crosses over from a dated way of disciplining children to abuse.

It’s striking (no pun intended) that many of you say “it didn’t harm me, I never think about it but I never hit my kids”. If you really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, why not hit your own kids?

Because that's not what people are saying when they say it didn't harm them or they don't think about it. We're not saying that there is nothing wrong with it. Of course it's not the right thing to do but many are simply stating that it left no long lasting damage. And that's okay; because everyone's experiences are different - I don't need to be psychoanalysed for hidden effects. It was just part of life and it wasn't regular.

There's a world of difference between a smack and some of the abuse posters have mentioned on here. That level of abuse is obviously going to leave you with some trauma. But a smack from my parents who were otherwise extremely loving, and who I had a good relationship with; I got over it pretty easily.

Times have moved on. It was accepted once upon a time, it isn't now. Same as driving after a few shandies or not wearing a seatbelt. Neither of those did me any harm as a kid but I wouldn't do them now.

Did anyone ever try and block and fight back? I remember once I blocked and my mum was like "what will you do next. Hit me?!!"

My biggest shame now, at 50, is that I never fought back. I wish I had. I wish I’d knocked their teeth out.

I was smacked occasionally, usually if I’d done something very rude or dangerous. I am not traumatised by it, have a great relationship with my parents, and looking back think that they were probably just at the end of tether and snacking was the go to punishment. I sometimes shout at my children (which I’m not proud of) but think my parents smacking me was the equivalent. They actually rarely shouted at me ironically.

I also agree with previous posters who say that we actually now appear to have more problem children in the classrooms, who lack respect, and I wonder if the more sensitive way we now generally discipline/teach our children influences this.

To be clear, I think that had I done that, they’d have beaten me further in ways that were just over the legal limit - they’d discuss when they’d accidentally left lasting hand prints or bruises - they felt and feel justified and righteous - problematised me as out of control, later ND (I’m not), rather than killed me.

If I was smacked for something I did wrong ( in the 60s / 70s ) then I deserved it so didn’t feel resentful. If I got smacked if I hadn’t done wrong or smacked for someone else’s actions then yes I resented it big time . Being grounded and not allowed out with my friends hurt me a lot more than being smacked , so I used that method to punish my kids instead of smacking them .

I was smacked fairly regularly - with hard bottomed slipper and a wooden spoon, once I think with a belt. I seriously have neutral feelings about it, not traumatised in any way. On the whole my mum was very loving tho and I was cuddled waaaayy more than I was told off, if you don’t feel safe or as loved with a parent the rest of the time it must colour the way you remember punishments.

Exactly.

"It never did me any harm."

"Well, it did, didn't it? It made you the sort of person who thinks that there's no harm in hitting children."

I was born in 1971 and still remember the angry, red handprints on my thighs from where my mother used to smack me. I don't recall what I'd done wrong, but I remember looking at the perfectly formed handprints and being quite amazed.

For those who say perhaps knowing they were loved reduced the effects of the slap, I never questioned my mum loved me. She was my no.1 advocate, but what she didn't realise was she was also my no.1 adversary and the person who did me the most harm. Really ironic. It messes with your head to be so fearful of someone you love and to know that they love you whilst they beat you. It sets you up for normalising abuse in the future.

Mid 60’s, so yes I got the occasional smack (with a hand) as a child, from my Dad and once at school from a teacher. I was a mischievous, at times naughty child, usually when I was a bit bored, and looking back possibly did give my (very loving parents) some grief at times. The school smack was misjudged, I was tall, had long legs and strode out walking our class “snake” into the back of another class. Deemed a school crime, me the girl got a smack on the legs, the boy I was with got the cane. Different world. Did it ruin my life? Not at all. Did it spoil my relationship with my parents, not at all. Having said that, it was very occasional, one smack on the legs, and not that painful. I recognise that some children were traumatised by ongoing parental discipline, probably proper abuse. What I did get out of mild chastisement, was never to repeat the same behaviour. Vocal bullying would have been far worse. Personal response obviously.

I think one of my biggest issues with being smacked is I never got chance to defend myself. Not physically, but I was never spoken to about it. I remember the indignation a lot of the time for receiving what I considered an unjustified punishment, and thinking if only they’d listen to me…

I agree with pp is well. It led to me hiding a lot of my problems and never discussing anything. My mum in my teenage years would get frustrated because I “never talked to her” but why would I? I never knew what would trigger punishment or disapproval, often with no actual discussion.

Like I said I was smacked by my mum and dad a couple of times and I always knew exactly why they did it. It was mainly for doing something unsafe. It was never done in anger or frustration.

I have a lot of respect for my parents and never felt terrified growing up. They just put boundaries in place very early on and there were consequences for your actions and because of that we hardly ever overstepped our boundaries. I grew up in a house filled with fun, laughter, respect and love.

I got punished way more at school than at home 🫣 (eg late homework, uniform not up to standard or someone in class misbehaving and whole class gets punished). I went to a very conservative secondary school.

I was smacked by both parents, not that often and I can say it didn't harm me in the sense that it isn't something I dwell on or even think about.

I recall being threatened with a smacked bottom but don't actually recall anything ever being done or having big feelings about it. My dad doles it out as a cheerful threat, and he's the "big softy" of the family - I think my sister says he only did it once as a tap.

My mum was a bit more insidious - she would threaten to take away favourite toys forever, would ban us from parties etc (as an aside, for offences that were either not our fault or rather spuriously connected to the offence).

It wasn't effective, it just drove us to lie and avoid her.

We got one smack, only if we ignored all warnings. I have no doubt it was absolutely justified by my behaviour. I’ve met loads of kids who could do with a smack. And I think lack of discipline is a massive problem today. My parents were not particularly strict but we knew how to behave, especially in public.

I was only smacked a few times. I’ve never thought about it.
I have smacked my daughter a couple of times she’s 35. She said it hasn’t ever bothered her. She doesn’t smack her child.
I think it’s a thing that used to happen, like driving without seatbelts.

Yes smacked and I was terrified of my mum and her temper. We've actually talked about it like adults and she has apologised. It was "normal" then and yes even teachers smacked children. I asked her if she would smack her grandchildren (my children) and she said absolutely not.

I have no feelings about it tbh. It happened and I've accepted it and moved on.

I was smacked by my mother / doesn't bother me now. My father beat me once with a rubber tube and broke the skin - i never forgot that but he died shortly afterwards so there were no repeat opportunities ( he used to beat my mother)