To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

Was once told to take my younger sister with me when I was going out with friends to do a paid activity.
But my dm insisted I take my younger dsis with me. I refused and then she said I had to take her. Again I said no, then she smacked me.
My response was, well you can smack me all you want, but I am not taking my sis with me. I’ll just not go, so you will have to look after both of us.
She was not amused, but I didn’t go….

I was smacked. It taught me to lie to get out of trouble and be wary.

I was smacked as a child … and hit with a wooden spoon. I never felt loved because of it. It just felt reactive, angry, abusive and wrong … even as a child.

I would be smacked on the bottom if I did something really naughty or dangerous. However, I never felt abused in any way and tbh I most definitely deserved it. I've not had a bad relationship with my mum, we're very close indeed.

This makes no sense . How can you possibly know how you would’ve ended up without being smacked? Or your son?

Have all respectable adults been smacked? It’s not smacking or nothing. It never was.

I’m also a respectable adult and I was beaten. Should I beat DD? Should I advocate beating all children in case they don’t become respectable adults?

Talking of DD, she’s only a teenager and I never smacked. She’s a lovely, kind, polite and well behaved girl and that’s not coming from me, it’s coming from her teachers, peers’ parents and most adults she comes in contact with. Must’ve been magic.🙄

I once got smacked because instead of doing my 11+ past paper I spent a few minutes playing with a toy car on the table. I remember now trying to pretend like I was just looking at it, but I got smacked.

I think how people feel about it largely depends on how the smacking was done. My Dad for example, only smacked me a handful of times, when I had done something really wrong (and then it was only really a light tap). Though I wouldn't even do that to my kids, I hold no ill will to him over it, it was a common form of punishment then. My Dad is no longer with us, but he was a kind, loving and generous Dad, who would go out of his way for us.

My Mum on the other hand had a really bad temper and smacked regularly and hard. Often it felt I was being smacked because she was in a bad mood and not for anything I'd really done. I had difficulties learning to read as a child (turns out I'm dyslexic). On one occasion, she had me reading next to her and she smacked me every time I didn't say a word quick enough. By the end I was crying so much I couldn't get the words out even if I knew what they were. That night is the only time she ever apologised. Another time as a teenager, I was crouched down looking in the cookery books for a recipe (books were bottom shelf). As I had looked at a book I'd left it on the floor (I was planning to put them back once I'd finished). She came in screaming that I'd made a mess and then hit me hard enough to make me fall backwards (admittedly given I was in a crouched position I wasn't the best balanced, but still). So yes, I feel my Mum was abusive.

My DF smacked me a handful of times, it was an abusive act. He’d lost control of his emotions and it had nothing to do with what I was or was not doing and it didn’t teach me anything other than my DF can be violent when angry.

I'm so sorry to read this my mum used to take her anger out on me too and I think it affects you inside . I wasn't even a naughty child but I was so glad to leave home.

Same, also had vile teachers, but all behind me.
They were of their time, some more so than others, but forgiveness sets you free.

I did have a friend who wasn't just smacked, but beaten by her dad. Literally rolling his sleeves up and beating her and her siblings.

Another friend and I made the mistake of trying to intervene once, and she got double the beating for us being disrespectful friends.

That would have affected me. Often wonder where she is.

That’s the other issue with smacking, no matter how “light” it is. A lot of kids got smacked (and still are) for perfectly normal behaviours / stages of development, or worse for disabilities/learning difficulties, or not conforming to gender roles or a billion other spurious reasons that boil down to being an inconvenience. Which once again, it’s a complete mindfuck to a child even if the actual act doesn’t hurt.

I was smacked, hit and kicked by my Mother as a child!

I was a remarkably well behaved child! Apparently looking like my Father, or doing well at school was enough to set her off!

Her behaviour was abusive, both physically and emotionally!

I am glad that I barely saw her as an adult!

I have never missed her since she died! It was a relief to know that it was over!

I have never once smacked, tapped or hit my children! I never would!

Hitting children should be banned!

Same. We got smacked with a wooden spoon as well. Usually just the sound of the drawer opening was enough to make us stop. I don’t think about it, it hasn’t affected me in any way. I’ve never smacked my own kids though.

I was smacked. Occasionally.
I had a very lovely ,selfless , but also a very depressed (possibly autistic , now I look back as it seems to run down my mum's side of the family looking back , and with hindsight) shout-y mum. The shouting did more harm than the occasional smack . I love her , she isn't abusive in the traditional sense. But up until age 7 , I thought my mum didn't like me.

Ps I smacked my son, but it was only once or twice before I realised I hated myself afterwards, it didn't work & it was when I lost control and was hurting the thing in my life which was most precious to me.

My dad didn’t smack me
he beat me
he would put me over his knee pull my knickers down and prolonged spanking for trivial things
when I was a teen and found his Janus magazines about spanking, it really repulsed me even more.
I have a four year old granddaughter now and the thought of a man doing that to her makes me feel murderous.
my dad is still alive and a narcissist who thinks he’s never done anything wrong but omg so much more.

This is so repulsive on your dad’s part and so sad for you.

I’ve always suspected that men who smack their children on their bottoms are getting some kind of revolting thrill out of it. It is in no way normal behaviour.

It’s totally different to the frazzled mum losing her cool and giving a quick swat or parents who give their child a slap on the hand. I don’t agree with either of these personally and wouldn’t do it myself - but I can understand how it happens .

What you describe is a man who should never be around children.

And this is exactly why smacking needs to be illegal - so men like this can be prosecuted rather than being allowed to dress up their perversions and power play as discipline.

I hope you’ve managed to put it behind you and have a happy life

I was smacked, my mother was a teacher, I got ruler over knuckles as well. I never thought anything more about it. Short sharp is better than banished to sulk with no tea, isn’t it?

I turned on my mother when I was 14 when I suddenly realised that I was bigger than her.
I had just come through the door and she was accusing me of something and started to hit me around the head.
I beat her to the floor and told her if she ever touched me again I would kill her.
She never touched me again but I still hated her till the day she died.

I was smacked but not a lot. I don’t have many thoughts about it now as it was a sign of the times (80’s). The one time I remember was with a belt and it’s never left me. That said, I’ve never spat again so I guess it worked!

I did snack the hands if my children a few times. I never felt good about it and know it was always in frustration and lack of control so I stopped. I should ask them if they remember.

I was smacked a bit. But I also grew up with very loving parents who were supportive and encouraging. I am pretty close to them both now (probably closer to the smacker than the non smacker) and don’t really think about it. Being smacked was not ideal but nor was it formative for me. I appreciate that isn’t the case for everyone and so you’re not wrong to feel the way you do.

I used to get smacked. My mother would wait til she'd calmed down, tell me how she wasn't doing it in anger. Then make me come into the bathroom, take down my pants, lie over her lap, then she would hit me very hard with a wooden ladle a couple of times. Telling me she did it because she loved me. I was asked by my teachers after pe about the bruises it left.
I have a very strong memory not of the pain, although it must have hurt, but of the absolute fury and hatred and humiliation I felt at being exposed and having something done to my body against my will.
I have a terrible relationship with my mother now. Not just because of this. I don't think of it often but I knew it was wrong then and I know it's wrong now. I'd beg her not to do it as it was making me hate her. She said I deserved it, quoted Bible verses at me, and sadly went ahead.

I resent it hugely and I have a very distant relationship with my parents as a result. It’s assault. Adults should learn to regulate their emotions instead of physically abusing their children.

That thing about ‘didn’t do me any harm’ is patently nonsense. It obviously did: it turned that person into someone who thinks it’s okay to deliberately hurt children.

I could have written this myself. I have a strained relationship with my mother, and I’ve also been examining why. I was smacked frequently by her; she told me I was awkward, difficult and she wished I’d never been born. Ironic when she tried for children for ten years. My younger sister was never smacked or treated like this.

Mother is now elderly (80 this year) and wonders why we are not close. Our lovely dad died a few years ago, and although we visit out of duty, there’s not the same love now that dad has gone.

On my 40th birthday, as a sort of excuse for the way she treated me, she told me that I’m likely autistic, and have dyspraxia and ADHD. This is an excuse for the way she treated me, and the closest to an apology I’ll ever get.

I’ve never smacked my children, or spoken to them the way she did me. As a parent I cannot imagine laying a finger on my children; those beautiful beings that I chose to create. Anyone who hits their child, whatever excuse they use, is vile. A snack does so much long lasting harm.